Todd,

Maybe I'm being a wimp, but this is the way I think about it at this point. We were together 20 years. He was a good husband. There was no abuse, no gas lighting, no cheating (that I know of). We got along well. The sex was very, very good, just not frequent enough. I think he loved me. I think I was his best friend. From bits and pieces of what he's said, plus my own intuition, I think he convinced himself he wasn't gay as a young man, dated women, married me (at age 23), and for the first 5-8 years was still convinced he was straight. I think by year 10 he started looking a porn. I think his attraction to men started to become something he couldn't ignore around year 18 or so. I think by year 20, at age 41, he realized over a six month period, after the death of his homophobic father, that he was bi or gay, and that he was no longer willing to not have sex with men. Then he left me. 

I honestly believe he loved me. But did he love me as a straight man could have? No. Did he love me as a best friend, someone who enjoyed many similar things, someone whom he shared children with? I think so. 

Again, maybe I'm taking the easy way out, but this is what I think happened.

At the same time, do I think some people know for sure they're gay the minute they marry and use it as a cover up? Absolutely. And if I learn some day that that's what happened, I'll have to accept it. 

And bigger than anything else, I'm learning that anything about our history, whether I deduce it or he says it, is still ultimately a mystery, because I do not live inside his head and cannot trust him to be truthful. So I will never really know. Which blows your damn mind the first time you realize it. But I know I was all in, I know he was my friend, and for me, that has to be enough to know.

Otherwise, I never move on, and I'll be damned if I'm letting him have rent-free space in my head, as someone else eloquently expressed on this forum. 

Best to you, Todd. You are a good person.

S

I'm with Kel. I've been on Paxil for years and was doing really great. When TGT came along I had to up my dose and add two other drugs (another antidepressant and an anti-anxiety) to get through. My eventual plan will be to go back to the lower dose of Paxil alone. But at 11 months in, I am not in any hurry. I am waiting until the divorce is final. 

The added drugs meant I could sleep, decreased both depression and anxiety.

I'm just not willing to go without. 

Flakes,

There will be a "discovery" process as part of the divorce where your husband will be required to put on paper ever penny he has. He won't lie about the account with the 10K in it, because he'll perjure himself. And, that 10K is a marital asset, regardless of whose name is on the account. It belongs to both of you. 

Sue

Oh, I so so know the pain of leaving the kids. I'm a SAHM mom, too. I will tell you it does get better over time. I'm ten months into this process and about a month or so ago I finally came to acceptance of the fact that I am just not ever going to be with them all the time again. It look me a long time to get there.

Anger helps. So does letting the tears flow. 

Remember, you are their mother, the most important person in their lives, and nothing can change that. 

And essentially, you've not only lost your partner to a web of lies, you've been fired from your job. That was something I don't think my ex ever appreciated. He got to stick with his career, which is a lot of the foundation of who he is, during this process. We, on the other hand, lose not only a marriage, but what we did day in and out. It's a lot to mourn and you have the right to mourn it as long as you need.

You're in my prayers today. Hang on. Keep posting. 

I took a class undergrad (granted this was 20 years ago) entitled Psychology of Sexual Identity. We learned sexual identity is set way way before college age. 

So I'm not so sure I believe your ex. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't.

The only possibility is some complete dissociation from her sexual identity because it compromised her morals or scared the hell out of her. But still, that means it was in there, and had crossed her mind before she decided (consciously or not) to box it up and put it away.

Sue