For the last few years I've been really interested in personality disorders and have always been interested in psychology. I found a book titled "Confessions of a Sociopath" and it's fascinating, albeit deeply disturbing. The author (M.E. Thomas, pseudonym) runs the website Sociopathworld.com. Here's a link to an interesting post on sexuality. You can spend quite some time going down this rabbit hole if you aren't careful.

http://www.sociopathworld.com/2009/05/sexuality-and-sociopathy.html

A lot of the people who interact on that site are self-described sociopaths. After reading the book and some of those posts, I think it's possible that many of us aren't experiencing the fall-out we're dealing with because our spouse is lgbt, but because they're sociopaths. The lying, manipulation, apparent lack of self-concept, ability to fake something so foundational to one's identity, the lack of empathy for what we're experiencing, being so opportunistic without moral underpinnings, etc. Could be narcissism or something else instead but it has me thinking.

Something Anon asked in another thread got me thinking. I've tried to imagine having the capacity to be in a long-term intimate relationship with someone opposite my orientation (or even as a 1-time thing) and I can't. That's why I had a hard time accepting that sexuality is fixed for a while. My LW told me it would be like me being with a man, but I assumed she didn't understand her analogy. That would be impossible for me. Even with a gun to my head, I couldn't. No offense to or judgement for gay men, it's just not for me.

Accepting that she understood her analogy just fine is partly what tanked my self-image so much these last many months. The person I shared everything with was acting. Whether it was malicious or not, everything was a lie. I was a cover for her survival. I've been of use.  

I really hope my comments/thoughts came across the way I meant. I'm not saying hormones changing has anything to do with anything... I was questioning just about everything with the timing and I'm NO expert. 

lily wrote:

Well I think one thing that puts a bit of perspective on the question is do you think you were born straight?

And for those of us that have been through menopause - has it done anything to change your orientation, certainly hasn't changed mine.  Yes I got some hairs growing on my chin, sigh.  I stopped having periods.  My hair became a bit curly.  My skin became more delicate - that's all due to hormonal changes isn't it.

I just don't feel like orientation changes, it would be like having grown with feet facing forward to waking up one morning with feet facing backwards - not gonna happen.  One set of bits or the other.

I think the phenomena of mid life switches has it's basis in timing - family grown up the romantic thing comes back into play.

Hi Sean,

I have some questions. I'm a man married to a now coming out lesbian wife. I've known for almost two years. Her IG is often LGBT activism posts, her with our kids, her with friends. I'm in a holiday picture now and then. It's not that important, just a metaphor for how I feel in our relationship in general. I poured my entire adult life into our family and loving her, only to be mostly erased because she realized she likes different parts (she actually used those words once).

1- She went dancing drunk at a gay bar with a woman. I signed up for dating apps. Why would she think what she did is perfectly fine and then rage at me, screaming and crying, because I wanted a straight woman to show interest in me? (I literally wanted a straight woman to express attraction to me, that was all, I wouldn't have even met irl).

2- It feels like she's trying to slowly exit our relationship while keeping me as a source of safety and stability. I feel used, I do support and affirm her, authentically, not just lip service. Why does it seem like she can't do the same for me?

3- I'm not angry at her for being gay, or coming out, or even how this is blowing up my life. I don't blame her for that stuff. What is destroying everything is the way she's handling things and treating me through it. Why doesn't she support me as much as I'm supporting her? Why doesn't she take more responsibility for this? Why am I expected to shoulder so much when the only thing I did to cause this is fall in love and marry her? I gave up so much for her and it's like she's spitting on that. I don't expect that there's a roadmap for doing this better, but then again, is there? 

I know you can't know what her reasons are but your perspective might help. Thanks! 

Hi Jersey,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't personally understand the bisexual experience either, since I'm not bisexual, but there is a stereotype that bisexual people can't commit, can't be happy with one person, and often can't be happy no matter who they're with in a given moment because they simultaneously desire what they aren't experiencing right then. That said, there are plenty of bisexual people who don't fit that stereotype at all and call that an awful lie. I think the stereotype comes from people who cheat and happen to be bisexual. It's not an identity issue.

If you want a monogamous relationship, both partners have to be willing to commit fully to the other, regardless of sexuality. Both people are giving up opportunities (if that's how you view it) to be with other people. Gender doesn't matter. Being attracted to both genders doesn't matter. Understand what he's saying- committing to you is denying what he wants and who he is. That means he wants to be with more than only you and he associates that desire with his identity. That's a pretty intense statement, to say he has to sleep with multiple people in order to be who he is. I don't know how the poly thing works and I have heard it described as an orientation, but idk. Maybe if you're looking for clarity, repeat those things back to him and make sure that's what he means. I think the conclusions you've drawn from the multiple affairs are likely correct.