Pyrolysist wrote:

....I’ve been researching mixed orientation relationships, sexual fluidity and non monogamous polyamorous marriages.  Anyone have any experience with this?

Welcome to our Forum Pyro
I'm a woman with a bisexual partner so our situations are slightly different but I can tell you about the feelings of being not quite good enough and of having to hold back emotions when he was heading off to "spend time" with somebody else.
I thought I was the one loving him enough to let him go out and express himself when really he cared less about how it was affecting me and more about his own right to do what he wanted.
We're still in this mess of a Mindfuck, everything's fine on the surface but we're both resentful, and neither of us talks about The Elephant in The Room.

Once you choose to enter a mixed orientation r'ship and knowingly welcome others in the dynamics of it change and, if it never does sit quite right with you... it simply becomes unequal.

Once you say "yes" to an open relationship (non-monogamy...what a crock of shiite) the power that was the two of you, the special bond two people think is theirs alone...it's gone. And you never feel it again


 Elle

I hear what you’re saying, and I’m truly sorry to hear that this has been such a negative experience for y’all, hell for all of us. 

But I’m a firm believer that love conquers anything.  This life is extremely short, who am I to say what she can or can’t do? I was upset because she didn’t choose me or my happiness when she started this, but the desire is so strong for her and the need to see what’s on the other side of this door; how could I ever say that I truly love her if I were to deny her this because it hurts my feelings?

I have too much invested in our lives together to just give up because my mind wants to stay closer to this possibility.  I would rather stay married while she figures out what she wants from this life than give up on her right in the middle.  And I don’t even know that would be any easier than what I’m doing now, all I know is I want to do everything I can from whatever angle I can to see that my marriage survives.  If that means giving her unlimited freedom to explore what she needs to explore, I think I can do that.  And honestly, if my marriage doesn’t make it, I’ll be devastated by what that means but I know I’ll be ok.  And I’ll know that I did everything I could to keep my dream alive.

I feel the grief of losing what our marriage was, but who knows what the future holds.  Who knows if bigger and better things aren’t in store for us down the line!

Pyrolysist wrote:

I hear what you’re saying, and I’m truly sorry to hear that this has been such a negative experience for y’all, hell for all of us.

But I’m a firm believer that love conquers anything. This life is extremely short, who am I to say what she can or can’t do? I was upset because she didn’t choose me or my happiness when she started this, but the desire is so strong for her and the need to see what’s on the other side of this door; how could I ever say that I truly love her if I were to deny her this because it hurts my feelings?

I have too much invested in our lives together to just give up because my mind wants to stay closer to this possibility. I would rather stay married while she figures out what she wants from this life than give up on her right in the middle. And I don’t even know that would be any easier than what I’m doing now, all I know is I want to do everything I can from whatever angle I can to see that my marriage survives. If that means giving her unlimited freedom to explore what she needs to explore, I think I can do that. And honestly, if my marriage doesn’t make it, I’ll be devastated by what that means but I know I’ll be ok. And I’ll know that I did everything I could to keep my dream alive.

I feel the grief of losing what our marriage was, but who knows what the future holds. Who knows if bigger and better things aren’t in store for us down the line!

Take my advice how you will....but, you're at the beginning of this. You are very new in the process. And I'm gonna be honest with you....you have no idea what you're in for and sound a bit naïve. I'm not trying to be mean, just saying you have a lot ahead of you.

I was you, several years ago. My husband came out as bi. I was so in love. I believed love conquers all. I supported him. Went through counselling. Worked hard on my own opinions and beliefs. I fiercely believed in marriage and monogamy. 

Let me tell you......marriage and love conquering all only works if you're BOTH on the same page.

Because, turns out he wasn't. He then decided he was gay. And he sat down beside me and said "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you".

I offered everything - open relationship, poly, even just living as roommates for the emotional support. He was the love of my life. I thought he was my soul mate. I did not want a divorce. He wasn't even open to a conversation about it. Just told me he decided he had 0 attraction to me and didn't love me anymore. And I found out he used the last year or so to detach from me and the marriage.

The whole time I was in it 100%.....and he was just lying and half assing it while making his own decisions that only benefited himself.

Look at it this way....your wife has already cheated on you. Whether you decide that you're ok with this, is up to you. But, it is what it is. I'm assuming she didn't come to you with her feelings and plans and get your approval first? Has she sat down with you and asked how you are doing in all this? Talked openly about what she wants? Has she asked you what you want?

It's insidious. All of this. It beats you down. I honestly believed my husband loved me, wanted to be married to me and saw me as his soulmate. Watching how easily he walked away was gut wrenching. I have yet to pick up the pieces of my life and I consider it a good day if I can just function. 

There is a reason that the large majority of these relationships don't work out. And the ones that do, seem to be more about choosing monogamy and working through every step together (and no one cheated). 

Like I said, I sounded just like you....once upon a time. Until I learned that "love conquers all" is actually incredibly naïve. You can love someone all you want, but you can't force them to love you back.

Pyrolysist,

Welcome.  When I think of mixed orientation or non-monogomous marriage conceptually I think of her going out with her girlfriend and you going out with your girlfriend and the two of share say a home and kids.  I mean I lived it for 2.5 years except I had no girlfriend to meet up with. 

Basically it didn't matter what I wanted..my GX did not want to be married anymore. I mean she liked the money and me as a baby sitter..but ..  She did not like that I lived in the house with the kids and she couldn't have sex in front of me with her girlfriend.

No amount of love or money in the world could stop my GX from  hurting me over and over.

Wishing you the best.

Dude, what are you, 12?  If love conquered all a whole lot of us would still be married.  

Your wife cheated on you; don't let the sex of the person she cheated with obscure this fact.  Go visit ChumpLady.com and get yourself unchumped.