I agree- clearly written from the POV of the lgbt spouse who doesn't have or express empathy for their partner. 

I've maintained that I have empathy for my spouse. I understand and believe her when she describes her experience. I don't blame her for repressing her sexuality. HOWEVER, I have also had my own experience that she acknowledges in a general way, but is also unable or unwilling (or some combination of the two) to acknowledge the pain she's put me through over the course of our marriage due to her concealed sexuality, and especially since coming out. The damage done to my confidence and sense of self is pervasive. Her isolation of me and lack of support has been devastating. There is an amount of that inability that I believe is simply personal limitation. Some of it appears to be based on not wanting to accept responsibility for the pain she's caused. 

The consensus from most everyone I've heard from is that the pain isn't coming from the revelation of their sexuality. I think most of us could understand someone repressing or hiding something like that because they feared for their safety, loss of family, social persecution, spiritual repercussions, etc. What everyone seems to be most hurt and impacted by are the actions of our spouses as a result of their coming out. These are people we've loved deeply with our whole hearts. It's not the coming out that has been the problem. 

Anon,

When I was at my very lowest, literally intending to end it right then, I texted my LW a number of times. She knew I was suicidal. Her only response was to tell me not to post on social media. She says she was protecting herself. I guess that was what was most important. 

I don't know what to tell you. I'm hopefully moving out in 1-1/2 weeks. I feel sick about the idea of trusting a human being ever again. I can't connect with my faith right now. I'm just holding out until I feel like I can breathe again. Weight training helps me still feel alive for some reason. Once I move I'm going to start making artwork again and hopefully that'll help me process things.

I'm only commenting to tell you that I know many here care about you. I wish there was more I could offer. 

gwendolyn and MJM,

What does TGT stand for?

I'm in my own therapy, have been for 2 years (aside from many 8-12 week periods over the last 6-7 years). We're attending joint therapy sessions for separating couples to work through what needs worked through so we can co-parent our kids as successfully as possible. I wish she'd have been willing to do that before all of this. 

We talked alone about what we were going to say to our kids. I asked if she wanted to tell them we were getting a divorce, or if she wanted to tell them we were separating and figuring the rest out. We've both talked about not wanting a divorce but there have been so many issues. Since we've spent so much time apart lately I've felt better so I thought maybe if we separated, we could heal and figure out a path forward. I know that probably sounds stupid that I'd put that out there as an option. I needed to try one last time. We talked about things that bothered her and I tried to explain my side. I told her she has no idea the psychological and emotional damage this has done to me and she doesn't even seem to try to. She said that she's put so much work into becoming okay with divorcing and was visibly frustrated. I said that's fine, we'll stick with our decision. 

Then we told our kids. The conversation went pretty well all things considered. I'm moving out in 2 weeks, 6 blocks from our house so the kids can have easy access to both places. 

I don't know why I'm sharing all of this. I feel numb.

Wow that was an amazing episode!!!

I’m a straight man, currently legally married to my lesbian wife. These are my opinions:

The non-sexual things you ask about (work, general disinterest, etc) could be for any reason. Lack of emotional depth or connection within himself, personality disorder, response to childhood trauma, etc. None of those say anything to me about his sexuality on their own.

Not being jealous means he’s not bonded to you. There isn’t much connection to speak of, you’re his wife but it’s more like a job, a role you’re filing. The normal, even minimally emotionally available man is naturally protective and defensive over his wife. Nothing crazy but being okay with you sleeping with another man? Clearly lack of connection to you.

Straight men generally do not engage in sexually explicit banter directed toward each other. Being critical or insulting of each other? Yes. Hyping each other up some? Sure. If his “friends” and him are talking about doing sexual things to each other or sexualizing eachother, they aren’t straight. Period.

If a woman is even minimally attractive and good to him (especially if he also loves her), he’s going to want to have sex with her. Barring some physical abnormality, hormonal issue, mental illness or its medication, or indoctrination or beliefs from childhood that have shut him down. It can be complicated but it really sounds like he’s not straight and is focused on his desire for men.

For examples of some of those caveats, read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.