OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Anon2222
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I would like opinions.
I would like opinions on this piece, by those who have gone through it. This is prominent article/source that is used about "mixed-orientation marriages". This is an excerpt:
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From Being on the Down Low to Straight Spouses Being in the Know
Few revelations are as dramatic and potentially traumatic as revealing one's homosexuality to an unknowing spouse. How straight spouses react depends largely on their personalities and experiences within the marriage. However, anyone who is confronted with such a revelation needs to examine their marriage and their role in it.
Some straight spouses go into the very closet their gay spouses are in the process of leaving when they learn that their partner is gay or lesbian. Once they acknowledge that they knew or suspected, on some level, that their spouse is gay, they then have to deal with their own denial and, in some cases, their homophobia, and the homophobia of others as well.
Some straight spouses feel humiliated, cheated, and fooled. They believe that they have been victimized by their gay or lesbian spouse, who has ruined their marriage and disrupted their comfortable lives. Most often, they particularly resent their spouse's deception.
Some straight spouses grow so enraged that they refuse to examine themselves and the situation from any perspective other than their own anger and pain. These spouses typically make no attempt to reconcile or to understand their partner's dilemma. They usually insist on a divorce and often attempt to turn their children against their spouse.
Feeling a sense of betrayal in such circumstances is understandable, but staying betrayed and embittered only perpetuates a bad situation. Those straight spouses who cling to their negative feelings unwittingly betray their loyalty to the gay or lesbian spouse who has inflicted pain.
If they decide to stay married, their motives may simply be their underlying need to be attached to any spouse no matter what. Frozen in time and unable to move forward in life, these women may cultivate their humiliation because they enjoy the sympathy they receive as a victim.
Some straight spouses, however, feel relieved by the knowledge that their husband or wife is gay or lesbian, which they often find explains things about their marriage that they had found perplexing. They may have blamed themselves for the problems in their marriage--especially sexual problems--only to realize now that they were not at fault. Others are happy to feel released from the obligation of having a sexual relationship with their spouse and grateful to enjoy a continuing emotional, non-sexual relationship.
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So, what do people think?
- lily
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Re: I would like opinions.
Well. I think it reads like it is written by a cheating lesbian wife!
it feels like a passive aggressive attack on straight spouses.
- lily
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Re: I would like opinions.
yes exactly - victim blaming.
I have reached the conclusion that it is not just our individual experiences with specific people, the whole world is going into victim blaming straight spouses. I have no idea how to handle it.
- MJM017
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Re: I would like opinions.
Frozen in time and unable to move forward in life, these women may cultivate their humiliation because they enjoy the sympathy they receive as a victim.
My late GIDXH once told me some gay men are just as prejudiced against women as straight men. This is probably the only time he told me the truth.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- HereInMpls2717
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Re: I would like opinions.
I agree- clearly written from the POV of the lgbt spouse who doesn't have or express empathy for their partner.
I've maintained that I have empathy for my spouse. I understand and believe her when she describes her experience. I don't blame her for repressing her sexuality. HOWEVER, I have also had my own experience that she acknowledges in a general way, but is also unable or unwilling (or some combination of the two) to acknowledge the pain she's put me through over the course of our marriage due to her concealed sexuality, and especially since coming out. The damage done to my confidence and sense of self is pervasive. Her isolation of me and lack of support has been devastating. There is an amount of that inability that I believe is simply personal limitation. Some of it appears to be based on not wanting to accept responsibility for the pain she's caused.
The consensus from most everyone I've heard from is that the pain isn't coming from the revelation of their sexuality. I think most of us could understand someone repressing or hiding something like that because they feared for their safety, loss of family, social persecution, spiritual repercussions, etc. What everyone seems to be most hurt and impacted by are the actions of our spouses as a result of their coming out. These are people we've loved deeply with our whole hearts. It's not the coming out that has been the problem.