All of that self doubt is so so common! That doesn't lessen the pain of it, but it's nice to know you're not alone.

I am a SAHM too, three kids. Just got a job and will go back to work soon. This is not what I wanted. But I think it's good for my kids to see me react to their father's mess by picking up our lives and moving on. 

The roller coaster of emotions is such a journey. I wanted my spouse back for so long. As time went on, I realized what I really wanted was the security of my family and the naivete of not knowing the truth. 

Living separate-but-technically-together lives is unsustainable. You can't be stuck in the closet with him and thrive in any way, shape, or form. And your kids will suffer from that just as much as from a divorce.

You are doing great. You've taken a steps to take care of you by getting out of an impossible situation. Does that make it any less painful or traumatic? No, but it's a start. Be proud of yourself. Expect the wavering emotions and resolve. It's all part of the process.

" Fun, going out, sex, but there was always something missing I felt, i just couldn't put my finger on it but she told me I was hard to get close to which I found odd as I have always been pretty open with people but I promised to try harder, I had fallen in love with her."

This was EXACTLY my relationship with my gay spouse at the beginning, middle, and end. There was always a missing piece. I told myself he just expressed love through loyalty and steadfastness and so it wasn't ok that he wasn't emotive and was distant. 

Bullshit. I wish I'd known then what I know now, but I was just a kid. And now I will never, never again settle for anything less than a partner who both can't keep his hands off of me and knows how to emote.

I don't know how many of you read the article in HuffPost that this response refers to, but the link is included in the response article. I read the HuffPost article when it was published and I was appalled. Be sure to read the well-thought out comments on it.

Here's a response from SSN and it's wonderful:

http://www.straightspouse.org/frankly-my-dear-i-am-the-victim-of-homophobia-too/

 

Jkpeace -- I never actively considered suicide, but I did sign an agreement not to harm myself and I did wish nightly that I would not wake up the next morning. The first three months post disclosure I was in shock. Then the holidays came and I started to tank. I was seriously depressed from the end of November through April. Tried a million meds, finally got a mix that worked, but also I think just started to heal over time. It was living hell. I know I am so so much better now, and you will be, too.

I will say that living one to two days at a time (and sometimes hours) helped me immensely. An acquaintance who was left by her cheating straight husband told me she survived in 15 minute increments. If I think too much about moving, etc, I get so overwhelmed. So I try very hard to focus on this week and that's it. It's the only way not to drown in so much change. 

Also, I said EXACTLY the same thing that you are about dating. I was sure I never would again. That turned out to be wrong for me. I don't want to be alone forever and I deserve real live love. It's scary to be vulnerable, but I refuse to chain my heart up and rent out space to my ex in my head. He cannot fuck up my life forever. 

My kids are 7, 11, and 13. They are all struggling, but hanging in there. I am livid with my ex for putting them through this. I literally want to scratch his eyeballs out of his head for hurting our kids.

Laurence, my ex took it upon himself to tell the kids about his sexuality. The 7 year old doesn't get it. The 11year old is fine with it, as far as I can tell, but careful about who she tells. The 13 year old wholly embraces it, and doesn't see why it bothers me at all. After all dad is "bi" as he's told them, which helps them understand our family as not a farce. However, I am convinced he is lying through his teeth and is gay. I called him gay once in front of the girls (my older two) and they both went off on me and corrected me. Obviously framing him as "bi" helps them

Hi, Stavros,

Welcome and so glad you are here. This place has been a lifeline for me. I feel like my experience with my husband's coming out parallels so much of what you've written. Our sex life improved dramatically when he told me he was bi and I was so hopeful and excited for our future.

Looking back he was trying to see if enough sex with me would make his SSA go away. It didn't work. He went down the path of finally asking me what I thought about him having encounters outside of marriage. I drew a line in the sand and then he left me. We are in the process of a divorce.

I don't believe sex exists without strings attached. Especially sex outside the bounds of a marriage that involves one of the partners. 

I so feel for you. I can tell you love your wife very much. I felt much the same way. This is a painful process. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds, but from the way your wife is talking, I believe a same sex encounter is going to happen and she will not stop until it does. And that will most likely not be a one time thing.

Hang in there. Think about what you want. Keep talking to her. Keep talking with us.

Best,
Sue