MJM017 wrote:

Yes, he bears 100% responsibility for his actions. He sounds like an immature, self-centered & impulsive man. You have every right to feel angry & betrayed, especially with a baby on the way. The timing of his announcement could not be worse.

Let us know how else we can support you.

I agree 100%. I am furious with this guy, so I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster knielson is on. 

Knielson—Post here any time you need to vent...and try to avoid any stressful interactions with your husband as much as possible (easier said than done, I know!) I know it is probably difficult to see it now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.....Many here have found it & you will too. <3
 

Hi Echo — I'm truly sorry you've found yourself here. I remember how devastating those first few days/weeks/months are — and how incredibly confused and isolated I felt when my husband dropped the bi bomb (on his 35th birthday of all days). We also have a young child (seems to be a pattern with our spouses: open Pandora's box of sexuality *after* having children). I felt like I was carrying the weight of 3 people & didn't want to make any rash decisions.

Prepare for a wild rollercoaster of emotions...It gets better (I think?), but 15 months later, I still have moments of intense grief...and that fight-or-flight feeling never really goes away. We have really happy days...chunks of time where I don't think about the elephant in the room....but, honestly, I don't think things can ever go back to "normal." I'm still searching for those success stories, too! But, for every happily monogamous bisexual on the Internet there seems to be 5 that are on the "down low" / swapping penis pics / lamenting that they'll "die if they don't get to be with another man." (Trust me: Stay away from the bi subreddits!)

Like you, I'm worried about what's next...terrified that I'm wasting my years with someone who has this secret fantasy life that doesn't involve me....wondering what else he's hiding....(also terrified of being Grace and Frankie!) Many "straight spouses" talk about their sense of reality being shaken — and I'm definitely struggling with that myself. I hope this goes away in time.

I know the timing sucks (seriously, how could your husband drop this bomb on you during a freaking global pandemic?!)—but you'll really need someone to talk to....even if it's a close friend. Also: Be your own best friend. Meditate. Carve out some alone time. Do things that bring you joy....and keep posting here. <3



 

Tackleberry wrote:

How do we incorporate her “bisexuality” into our sex life together without having an open relationship? We’ve talked about watching sensual lesbian television shows together like the L Word and I have also expressed to her that I would be willing to fantasize with her about other women, or to incorporate more bisexual fantasy into our love making.

But...I just feel lost and my head is a mess. Any advice or help on how to make this work would be so so appreciated! Thank you!!

Hi Tackle   My personal advice would be to take some time to focus on yourself first (the bi bomb years into a marriage is quite a whirlwind, isn't it??)....Bad timing now with COVID, of course...but once the dust settles, maybe you should seek out a good couples therapist who has experience with mixed-orientation marriages. I know there are several Reddit groups, but I'm hesitant to refer anyone there because what I've found (overwhelmingly, unfortunately) are mostly threads from bisexuals lamenting monogamy...You may find some positive, helpful threads from monogamous couples in the mix, though.

Best wishes. Take care of yourself. <3

I’m so sorry, Doug. I know how much this sucks. I keep hoping for that one success story here, but it never comes....and I’m not naive enough to believe I will be it. It seems like you will be ending this relationship on the very best terms possible (again, this sucks). The bit of light is that you’re still young enough to find love & make decades worth of memories with someone new while still maintaining a kind, loving relationship with your (ex) spouse. That is the best any of us can hope for in this situation. This “bisexual” thing is quite cruel because it keeps us chained to the *hope*....but that bomb never stops ticking, does it? I wake up in the middle of the night and there it is....

Sending loving vibes your way.
Xo J

If you can swing it, I would recommend individual counseling for you both before making any big decisions. Your needs are important, too! There may be some free or low-cost resources available for your wife (especially if you're in/near a city). I agree with others that trust will always be an issue — and, in the end, you'll have to decide if you're willing to live your one precious life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Best of luck to you in the days ahead. Post here any time you need an empathetic ear. We've all lived through some version of this — and truly feel your pain.
xo j