Hi Echo — I'm truly sorry you've found yourself here. I remember how devastating those first few days/weeks/months are — and how incredibly confused and isolated I felt when my husband dropped the bi bomb (on his 35th birthday of all days). We also have a young child (seems to be a pattern with our spouses: open Pandora's box of sexuality *after* having children). I felt like I was carrying the weight of 3 people & didn't want to make any rash decisions.

Prepare for a wild rollercoaster of emotions...It gets better (I think?), but 15 months later, I still have moments of intense grief...and that fight-or-flight feeling never really goes away. We have really happy days...chunks of time where I don't think about the elephant in the room....but, honestly, I don't think things can ever go back to "normal." I'm still searching for those success stories, too! But, for every happily monogamous bisexual on the Internet there seems to be 5 that are on the "down low" / swapping penis pics / lamenting that they'll "die if they don't get to be with another man." (Trust me: Stay away from the bi subreddits!)

Like you, I'm worried about what's next...terrified that I'm wasting my years with someone who has this secret fantasy life that doesn't involve me....wondering what else he's hiding....(also terrified of being Grace and Frankie!) Many "straight spouses" talk about their sense of reality being shaken — and I'm definitely struggling with that myself. I hope this goes away in time.

I know the timing sucks (seriously, how could your husband drop this bomb on you during a freaking global pandemic?!)—but you'll really need someone to talk to....even if it's a close friend. Also: Be your own best friend. Meditate. Carve out some alone time. Do things that bring you joy....and keep posting here. <3



 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (July 30, 2020 1:35 pm)

Echo wrote:

Hi, I'm new.
I hate saying that. 2 days ago my husband of 11 years told me he sought out a man to see if he would like it. For labels, he's bisexual and apparently has felt that way since puberty.
...
I'm 31. I am lots of things, but I'm really scared right now, and I'm not seeing many success stories that feel like true happiness. 😭

The sexual orientation isn't the main thing, it's about the person (personality, character), how your relation is defined and how you both live your life and make decisions. There are many many monogamous MOM's where one spouse is bisexual, without this fact as such is posing a problem. (I'm in a happy marriage with a lesbian for many years, this may seem a bit suprising but even that is possible without a looming Grace and Frankie scenario).

What you wrote about your husband sounds like he made a statement (a bit like: take it or leave it). 

So... how is the communication in your relation? What about his empathy and respect for your feelings? Where is the love for you showing in his actions and words? These kind of things are much more important issues than the bisexuality.

I'm going to try and lump my replies. First of all, thank you for the emotional labor you put in, sharing here. I really appreciate it. 

I'm not sure where to go. He basically said he's been bicurious since he was a teen. He decided to abruptly go outside of our marriage using an app to hook up and see if he liked it. He said he hoped it would be a hard no, instead he begrudgingly said he didn't dislike it, and after some peppering, he said if he didn't feel so guilty he would probably pursue it recreationally if he were not with me/someone. He said he's 90% girls but guys do attract him, but he would never want a relationship romantically with one.  So, after some reading I guess the term is heteromantic bisexual? 

He's not asking to do this again. He's asking forgiveness and to stay. Like, if he had just said, "I'm bisexual," I would have been like, ok, nbd. Instead we are dealing now with infidelity, deceit (while short, it was still lies), and then of course the added STD testing. He also has a prostate infection. 😷 He told me he asked if the hookup was clean and was told yes, but he didn't ask for proof. They did use protection but I won't take any risks. 

I just don't even know where to start. Like now I have to worry about cheating with guys and girls? Like, his job nature is frequent separation. This is awful. 
He's a magnificent father. He's a really great spouse - involved, emotionally there, sexy AF, pretty good at communicating after 12 years. I can understand how he got from there to here. But, I also don't understand how he could suddenly decide to actively pursue this.

Last edited by Echo (July 31, 2020 10:35 am)

Welcome Echo. When I first got here, after I got my bearings, the first thing I searched & searched for was the same as you: Does anyone actually stay together? I kept seeing so many negative stories. So many tried & tried to make it work, only to have a divorce in the end.

Right now isn't the time to make decisions. That was the first thing I learned. I always said if my husband cheated on me, that was IT, no 2nd chances...but, when it happened, I realized leaving right away just wasn't the answer....at least not yet. It just wasn't the time to make such a big decision.
 
Right after finding out he cheated with a man for 2 yrs (just physical sex/nothing emotional...he didn't even know the guy's last name. They met at the local porn video store and went into the dirty little back rooms and 'did their thing', which was oral sex. He originally told me about the ONE man. Then, after he realized I was really going ahead with a polygraph, after denying having sex with ANYONE else for over 1 1/2 yrs!!!!, and my finding evidence on his computer with porn, dating sites (including gay sites-with a nude avatar of him!...that was a shock!), emails to men...... he finally admitted he has been having sex with men (boys then) since he was in boy scouts. He did it continually through girlfriends and until I found out, it was 'no problem'..... He had the mentality "what she doesn't know won't hurt her".....Well, he was WRONG on that one. All the lying for 1 1/2 yrs, while looking me straight in the face really did its damage to trusting him. That's going to take a LONG time to get back, if ever. Before this, we were best friends/ been married 15 years/ got married after my 1st husband passed away (32yrs married-he never cheated & was straight as could be!)/ and I NEVER suspected anything. I trusted him to the point that until he accidentally showed me a nude photo of a man on a CL ad (M4M), that i never even looked in his computer or phone. So, no clue. He did all this during the day while he was working (has his own business & goes to homes & businesses doing installations). So, inbetween, he'd do this.......
He's been 'clean' since May, 2019. No porn, contact with any men, anything. He does think about men & sex with them about 4 times daily (his counselor had him note when he did). Both counselors he's been to say it's normal.
We decided to make the marriage work. I told him the only way I'd do it was if it is monogamous. I can not have an open marriage. I thought & thought about it after hearing so many doing it. But, I also saw that a lot of wives (mostly men want this) gave in to their husband's 'needs' to have a man on the side, and were guilted into doing it, or did it just to try to save their marriages, but didn't really want to. They ended up miserable. I know I would, too. First, I'm just plain monogamous, and can't change that--- it's one of my core values; both in my faith and beliefs. I also could not stand it when he would go out with his 'dates'. I would be in total agony while he was out, and not be able to get it off my mind what went on.
He would rather have it open, and made a statement "I'll do it, but can't guarantee I'll be happy". I told him if he "had" to have a man and it was more important to have sex than to have a lifetime of a marriage, then he could leave.
So, here we are; trying. We have good days, and days where we have really lonnnngggg discussions over all kinds of things (not even the cheating any more, just everyday things that used to be all right now are hot spots...it's getting better, though)

Now...some good news> even on this forum, there is a member "Dutchman". You can find one of his threads in this section "Happy MOM for 15 years and still going! Lesbian & str8 man". His posts are great, and explain a lot how they 'did it', and have made it work so far. You can also click on his name, and get a listing of all his posts. ***BTW, I had started typing this before the Dutchman posted on here, but couldn't exit my writing to read what had already been written. Thanks, Dutchman!***

I can't find books on successful MOM's, but I found a great article titled: "I'm a Gay Man Happily Married to a Woman, and I'm not the only one". It's a good article.

So, MOM couples do make it. It takes a lot of work from BOTH of you. Honesty and communication are key.

Keep searching and reading all you can. Put into use the positive things you find. the Strategies for MOM's section is more positive if you're trying to make your marriage work. Some of the others can get you discouraged a little more, but read whatever you need!

And, talk to people you can trust, especially if they've been through this.

breathe and take care of yourself. Post all you want. Ask anything you want.

((((HUGS)))))))
 

Last edited by SusanneH (July 31, 2020 5:06 pm)

Cacophony wrote:

Hello everyone..........

Welcome Cacophony There will come a time when the mists clear and you'll know what path you're taking. We put so much work into these r'ships that it's difficult to want anything else. Does it seem as if your wife is on a completely separate path than you? 
And do you have support from family/friends

Elle