OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
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| Support » What to believe » December 1, 2020 1:11 am |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 10
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Hi Inafog—I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.
Personally, I would talk with a lawyer. It sounds like your husband has already checked out of the marriage....but wants to keep you around as his "fallback option" or doesn't want to deal with the financial ramifications of divorce. You deserve so much better.
This is a pretty traumatic experience for anyone to go through—and I hope you've found some support—a close friend or therapist to talk to.
| General Discussion » How Much Responsibility Should Be Taken? » November 27, 2020 7:25 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 14
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Melanie—thanks so much for sharing the Minwalla podcast. I think it's worthwhile for all straight spouses to listen to it. Even in the best of scenarios, there's some trauma to wade through....It can be difficult to recognize (yet alone process) when you're in the thick of it.
| General Discussion » Getting Over Resentment - How? » November 23, 2020 5:11 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 12
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Hi Rotties—So sorry you've found yourself here. To quote our resident gay Sean: Your ex sounds "gay as a rainbow." For your own sanity, you need to not live in the same house or be his dating confidante. No house/ neighborhood / yard could possibly be worth it. I'd definitely consult a lawyer to see what your options are (before talking to your ex). You can still have a friendly relationship—but you need some space to heal, reflect, and move on first.
Best wishes <3
| Support » Feeling very alone today » November 20, 2020 7:17 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 9
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Hi CD—It's understandable that you're feeling lonely & heartbroken. There's no playbook for this sort of thing...Even in the best of scenarios, it's still incredibly sad. I think it's great that you have a friendly relationship with your (ex)wife...but, understand that anger is often a natural part of the grieving process—and it may hit you when you least expect it. That's normal—and OK. Twenty years is a really long time...You're not going to detach with (romantic) love overnight...but it will happen.
I read your original post, and it seems like you're blaming yourself a bit. Please know: There's *nothing* you could have done to prevent this. Do you have someone you can talk to? A therapist or close friend? I think Daryl's advice is really good...You really need to focus on yourself now—maybe find new hobbies (or revisit old ones)...Maybe even meet new friends with shared interests. I hear that Bumble is a good app for that (though I know things are really complicated now with the pandemic!) Exercise and meditation were also helpful to me in those first several dark weeks.
Take care—and keep posting! <3
| Support » Learning a lot » November 18, 2020 11:55 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 6
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You don't have to make any decisions today or tomorrow...It's great that you're getting some one-on-one time with a therapist...I'm listening to a podcast now with Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg...He reframed "co-dependency" as "self-love deficiency." He said: If you can heal the reasons that created your self-love deficiency, you can see the light, embrace your past as a learning experience, learn to love yourself, and heal....so you don't repeat the cycle.
I believe it is Lily who often says: Be your own best friend. I think that's really great advice. We get so wrapped up in trying to untangle our partners' sexuality, we often lose ourselves. Self-love & self-care are so important.
Take care <3
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » November 18, 2020 1:02 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 2507
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Séan wrote:1. Your husband said "I'm bisexual" because he's going to ask for an open marriage. The most common scenario is a gay-in-denial husband acting so angry, depressed, and unhappy that only gay sex appears to be the solution. That's bullsh*t of course. If your husband follows the path of most husbands here, he'll eventually start testing you to see if you'll give him permission to "date" (read: f*ck) other men.
…
Trust me, my friend...I made it very clear that I would never, ever consider an open marriage. It was one of the first things I said when he told me he's bisexual. He said he doesn't want that either. I think the more likely scenario (in his head) was that we'd get a divorce.
2. Let me guess: couples counselling turned into him blaming all of his problems on you...and the counsellor mostly siding with your husband. Am I right? All of us have wrongly attempted couples counselling because we believe something is wrong with the relationship. I advocate for individual counselling because the gay-in-denial spouse has to work on him/herself. I'll use my pool metaphor again. If your husband is drowning in the pool, the last thing you want to do is get in the water because he'll just drag you down to the bottom. Throw him a lifering (a therapist) so he can learn to swim on his own.
There was definitely some blame-shifting in the form of vague accusations like "I didn't feel like you really loved me"...I think the pool metaphor is good...I definitely felt like my husband was drowning a bit...and the "coming out" was as self-destructive (in a mid-life crisis kind of way) as it was cathartic.
I'm the one who contacted the therapist, but I didn't feel like she took any sides (we only did about 7 sessions...and we each did one solo session). Like I mentioned earlier: In hindsight, I think we should have started with individual counseling...But, at the time, I felt a desperate need for clarity: [i]What does thi
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » November 17, 2020 10:50 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 2507
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It doesn't seem like he's active these days....but I found this old thread from Cameron (another gay man who was married to a straight woman) interesting...even though I necessarily agree with it all.
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » November 17, 2020 10:36 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 2507
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TangledOil wrote:
Julian,
I’m curious. Did your husband tell you why he decided to tell you? I’d guess there had to be a reason.
TangledI struggled with this a lot...because why would he throw a bomb into the marriage unless he wanted me to *do* something with that information? I'm not sure I'll ever really know the answer. As I mentioned earlier, there weren't any typical red flags. I was in complete shock. He was in a pretty depressed state for several weeks before "the big reveal" (on his birthday of all days)...but I thought it was just because of work stress.
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I did not take the news well because I felt deceived...lied to...And, honestly, at the time I thought this marriage is over. I got us into marriage counseling soon after because I wanted to make things as painless as possible for our (at the time) 3-year-old daughter. He is truly a great dad—and our daughter is naturally my #1 priority—so no matter what happened with the marriage, I wanted to make sure we could move on amicably.
He was actually pretty cold during this time: emotionless and seemingly devoid of empathy for what I was feeling. ...In counseling, I felt like I was sitting on the couch with a pod person. It was an incredibly difficult time for me. I don't know how common this is.
Eventually, things just sort of calmed down...I felt like my life was becoming too consumed with his sexuality...and trying to untangle that confusion (on my own)...so I started exercising more, reading more, meditating more... I think this has really helped...and we're in a much better place now.
He did say (sometime early on) that he felt like a weight had lifted off of him...which is great...but, I sometimes feel like I carry that weight now. We don't talk about it anymore...which is probably unhealthy...but, honestly, I don't even know what to say. Once this COVID craziness is over, I'd like him to get into solo counseling if he's willing. If I could go back in time, I
| General Discussion » 1 out of 24 » November 17, 2020 5:31 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 18
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Hi Buck—I think you did the right thing. I would absolutely want to know if my husband were putting my physical & emotional health at risk. Who wouldn’t?!
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » November 17, 2020 2:21 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 2507
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Thanks all for commenting on my post!
…
Sean: "Ok. I have a question for you: if everything appears to be ok with your relationship, why did you join this forum?"
I was a HOT MESS. I felt deceived / angry / inadequate / sad / confused / isolated.... every single emotion. I didn't know anyone IRL whose partner "came out" years into their relationship...I've lived mostly in cities—and run in liberal circles, but I've never even met a single bisexual. I had no idea what this meant for my marriage (but it certainly didn't feel like good times were ahead!) Even though a lot of the details vary, it's amazing to me how much commonality exists in a lot of our stories. I was so grateful to have people here who understood what I was feeling—and cautioned me about things to look out for.
Sean: "Here are some common "symptoms" I've read about here which apply to my former marriage: - Gay-in-denial husband rarely initiates sex- The relationship is mostly dry kisses and squirmy hugs- The relationship feels more like brother/sister or roommates than lovers- As the GIDH ages, sex becomes more infrequent and might even stop"
None of these relate to my current situation, but I worry very much about your last bullet. He's 36 now—and we've not had any sexual issues....yet. And there seems to be a fair amount of passion...(biting, slapping, hair pulling, etc.;) ) Is it all for show? I can't say. It does seem like a lot of our spouses come out later in life (40s, 50s, 60s even)...Hence, why I fear he will get...as I not-so-elegantly put it...gayer with age.
Karis: "His male relationships are just that important to him. What I feel like I am missing out on the most, is passion and desire."
My husband doesn't actually have any friends....Early on, I became a bit preoccupied with figuring out the "cause" of the bisexual