I'm so glad to have found this forum. I need advice from others who are in a similar situation.

I've been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 10. We've raised my child from a previous marriage together, and for many years, were very involved in his sports. When he started having a life of his own, we realized there were some major gaps in our marriage. Through counselling, we've come to realize we probably chose each other more for my (our) child than for each other - I had a son and wanted a good role model for him; he didn't have a child of his own and wanted to be a dad.

About 18 months ago, we decided to open our marriage. Our sex life was virtually non-existent (though, in the early days, it was very good). We have very few common interests, and he has no desire to do anything with me if it's not something he already likes to do. During this time, he started to act on his attraction to men.

I had no idea he was ever attracted to men. I only found out because I saw him watching gay porn on his laptop one night and asked about it. That's when he told me he's attracted to men and thinks he's bi-sexual. It wasn't a complete shock to me as I had suspected his sexuality was fluid, and had told him so a few times.

He has no interest in me or any other women. It explains so much about our relationship. He had difficulty getting erections with me, couldn't orgasm with me (had to masturbate), and made no effort to fix our relationship. He proclaimed to love me, but for the last 4.5 years of my son's education, I was counting down the days until he graduated as I wasn't going to divorce and disrupt his life again. For years, he refused to go for counselling, and when we did, he didn't do any of the homework or commit to trying. He told me later the sessions felt like he was "gnawing off his own arm".

We've since separated, but live together. We share a home. He's going to finish the basement and live there, while I will live on the second floor. The main floor will be kitchen/laundry will be shared. For now, he's in the spare bedroom upstairs.

I'm glad, for his sake, he's come to terms with his sexuality. I think, over time, he will realize he's gay - not bi. He's got no interest in pursuing women, and has said that he'd like to have a live-in relationship with a man. I have many gay friends and they think similarly. He just needs more time.

For me, it's difficult to watch. He's putting so much effort into his new relationships that he never put into ours. He takes his dates on "spa nights" to hotels with jacuzzi tubs - complete with wine and candles, he makes special dinners, he makes an effort to see them and spend time with them. He goes to night clubs with them, and has even said he'd go camping! (something he REFUSED to do with me). He did none of those things for, or with, me.

I know part of it is because these are new relationships, and he's a mid-50's man who has finally "come out" and is enjoying this new part of himself. Still, I'm the woman who's been with him the last 10 years, wanting to work on our marriage, and having zero effort put in by him. He lied to me about being on dating forums (said he wasn't, when he was) and spent the evenings on our Mexico vacation last winter chatting up men on an app rather than enjoying the resort with me. 

I'm in a new relationship myself, and am very happy. My boyfriend is everything I've wanted, and more. I'm finding it very difficult, though, to see my husband is/was capable of making an effort and simply chose not to do so with me. I asked him a few times over the years to leave - that the marriage wasn't what I wanted. He insisted it's what he wanted, that we fought so much because, "things worth having are worth the fight" - yet zero effort on his part. He thinks we will share the house forever as roommates - we love the house, the yard, our neighbourhood. I'd give it up tomorrow it was financially feasible. I'm planning to meet with a lawyer and discuss my options if my husband refuses to sell or buy me out.

He seems to think I can still be a best friend. He tells me details of his dates, even when I've asked not to hear them. He doesn't seem to understand how hurtful it is for me to hear. I'm happy for him, but I'm not a best friend yet. We haven't had enough separation to give me the space and time to process the changes and his new identity. 

I feel hurt, resentful, and disappointed. I know these are my issues and I need to work through them. I have the support of my boyfriend and son, but it's still difficult. On some level, I believe he truly loved me and thought he was doing his best, but it always felt like there was something preventing him from getting fully intimate (mind, body, spirit). I know now what that is.

How do I be happy for him and get past all the feelings of "why didn't you do this for us"?