Jeremy,
    When my ex came out to me he had a bit of a chip on his shoulder.  He believed that he was hard-done-by all around, mostly by society for its condemnation of his sexuality, but also by his mother, whom he believed shamed him when he expressed vulnerability.  I came in for a lesser amount of blame, but he got around to me, too, although he couldn't blame me for not accepting him when he came out to me, because I was quite supportive, and at a steep cost to myself that I didn't recognze at the time. But when we were in the process of divorce, one day he said, "Our problem was communication," and followed that up with,  "But I didn't feel like I could talk to you," leaving unsaid what he meant, which was "because you made it difficult for me to talk to you." 

It seems to me your ex has done something similar, in a sexual vein.  We had also had our years of difficulty connecting in the bedroom, too, but when you're in a marriage, thinking you're a partnership, you do think in terms of that partnership, so you look at it as "our" problem, and look to see what you yourself might have done to contribute to the problem, and what you might do to fix anything that might be down to you.  What we don't know, when we're partnered to people with whom our sexuality is mis-matched, is that not only are we not a "we," no effort of ours is going to fix the problem, because there is a fundamental mis-match in sexual attraction creating an unbridgeable distance that prevents intimacy.  I think you're right; we don't have intimacy issues--we have spouses who were unavailable to us in ways that made intimacy impossible. 

I read your story, and this phrase really stuck out to me: "I'm wondering why I had made so many concessions when she was the one going through the change."  I think this is very common for straight spouses.  We try to accommodate, for many reasons, among them to be supportive, to try to save our marriages (part of the thinking as a "we"). I remember jkpeace, who was on the Forum when I first came here in September 2016, saying she told her husband that if he was even a very small percentage "hetero" that she thought they could make it work.  Later, after their divorce, she wrote she looks back on herself and what she was feeling when she made that statement to him and can't believe she was that desperate.
  
For what it's worth, my two cents are that you are being more than reasonable to tell your wife that you have decided you are no longer comfortable with the ping-pong arrangement you have, with you shifting between houses.  You need to grieve the loss of your wife, the loss of the future you thought you were going to have, and you should not have the added burden of doing so with evidence of her new lesbian life in your face.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 22, 2020 3:23 pm)

....or in the case of my story, he shifts the blame to me saying, 'you were never happy no matter what I did'.....I guess wanting to be touched by the man I loved and have some intimacy is a high expectation.  But it's not his fault he wanted to be with men, that was all of the people in his life suspecting that he's gay.  It's their fault that he wasn't sure.  You see, it's always someone else's fault.  In fact, I ended it b/c I found out he had affairs with men.  If you ask him, it ended b/c he wasn't happy.  He can't even address the elephant (or the gay man) in the room! Hang in there, it's a mind-twisting ride, but this is a great place for support.

Her journey is not your responsibility, separation ended that. You have a responsibility to the kids and yourself. I must say the idea of home swapping seems to me to be unsustainable. You need your space, set up your way or else you may feel like a constant (unwelcome) guest at both properties. Don't neglect your own peace of mind during this process. (And get some legal advice if you haven't already done so.)

Straight Spouses should take precisely zero responsibility.  The reason for the demise of the relationship is directly related to their concealed sexual orientation.  So you were a straight guy trying to keep a lesbian happy in marriage?  The probability of success is low.

Sometimes, the non-straight partners try to accuse us of behaving badly or irrationally after discovery or disclosure.  But how can any Straight Spouse be the best version of themself after a nuclear bomb has been dropped on their life?  Again, a failing task.

Z.E.R.O.