OutofHisCloset wrote:

Here's the other things about such stories: stories like that are the ones that get published.  The stories we tell are not.  The stories we tell are characterized as "unsupportive," "bitter," or even homo/transphobic.  I think of it as cultural white-washing, with the magazines doing the ideological work.

When the Guardian published this story last year, I made the mistake of reading the comments section on their social media page. Over half were from people who were angry that one of the straight spouses said she "didn't believe in bisexuality" and believed her spouse was gay. Her husband told her he wasn't attracted to her, had feelings for other men, and jetted off to the Caribbean with his male lover the next day—and people were furious over what they called "bi-erasure."

I agree, Rob....It was probably written years later. I was furious at the husband reading this story....What the wife described as the "stretchiness of love" felt more like trauma coercion to me.  

This part really got to me: "Those first few times he met his friend, I had what I can only describe as out-of-body experiences. Women in online support groups (Making Mixed-Orientation Marriages Work, Alternate Path, New Normal Facebook—I joined them all) suggested that I do something for myself on those nights, such as meet up with friends or book a massage..." 

It's hard to imagine there's this online universe out there where women are telling other women to "get a massage" while their husbands are out having sex with strangers they met on the Internet. 
 

Hi Birdy—I just wanted to say I completely understand how you're feeling right now. Those first few weeks were pretty brutal. Months later, I would still find myself waking in the middle of the night in tears. As much as I tried to comfort myself mentally (he's still the same guy, right?), my body would not stop feeling the hurt...and that "fight or flight" feeling persisted. It's gotten better (nearly two years later), but sometimes I think that maybe I've just gotten better at repressing the hurt. I feel like I'm in the closet now. 

Like you, I struggled (still do) with not being OK with it. But, in the end, I don't think it's so much about the sexuality as it is the deception...it's the fracturing of trust. I wonder...if he's kept this from me for all of these years, what else is he keeping from me? What else is he capable of keeping from me? And how did I not know? 

My advice:
You have to tell someone...even if it's just a therapist or close friend. The weight of that secret was killing me...and I felt much better after talking to my best friend.
Don't immediately jump into couples counseling (you both should seek individual counseling first).
Let yourself feel all of the emotions...but try not to be so consumed with untangling your husband's sexuality that you lose yourself.

This blog helped me in those early days. Sometimes, it even made me laugh. https://www.thestraightwife.com/about

Hang in there, Birdy...and keep posting. You're surrounded by people who get it. <3

Hi again, Rocky. Wow...a lot has happened since your first post just 10 days ago. Either your wife is moving ultra-fast into her new life or you're being "trickle-truthed."

It hasn't even been a full month and she's gone from "there's no one else"..."I want to stay with you" to finding someone she is "strongly attracted to" and making you feel badly about asking questions that affect *your* life & family.

It doesn't seem like she is being very respectful of your feelings...and I can imagine how hurt you must feel. I'm sorry, my friend, but I don't think this is going to end well without serious boundaries & discussions.

You don't feel sexual because your heart was broken & your trust was betrayed. That's a big deal! You did nothing wrong here. Be kind to yourself!