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1 of 1- rockyroad
- New member
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Boundaries
Early days into my new found situation with my lesbian wife and lots of discussion. Most of it as positive as can be, trying to find a way through.
But one area of tension. She has told me that there is a friend she is strongly attracted to, although nothing has happened and her friend is unaware. She has also told me that she feels that she would like to explore this side of herself. But when I press her on how strong those feelings are, whether she has emotional attachment to this woman - if she's a bit in love with her - and how strong her need to explore that side of herself is, she tells me that I'm crossing boundaries and prying into her thoughts/feelings which she says are her own personal business.
She says that line of questioning isn't helpful. She may well have a point. I'm not sure what I'd do with the information in any case. But surely these are natural questions for me to ask. I'm trying to find out exactly what I'm dealing with here. I need to know how strong this pull is for her. And what that means for all of us.
My wife is happy to talk about us, our relationship and our family. But she is very reluctant to discuss her feelings for others (either women in general or real individuals). Should I respect those boundaries? Is that reasonable?
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Boundaries
Let me get this straight: your wife tells you she's attracted to women, to a particular woman, and would like to "explore this side of herself." But when you try to figure out what her relationship to this woman is, you're out of line?
She wants to be married to you, but to have private relationships with women--or this woman--on the side, and you're supposed to be ok with not knowing anything about those other relationships, because they're same sex?
No. It is not "reasonable," and she doesn't have "a point"; she does, however, have a lot of gall.
- TangledOil
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Re: Boundaries
Nope, this is not her personal business. You have every right to know what is going as as this will effect all your decisions. You need to look out for yourself and do what’s in your best interest.
I’m a year out from my husband telling me he’s bi and I think my boundaries are getting more firm with time, not less.
Last edited by TangledOil (December 13, 2020 2:30 pm)
- Dutchman
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Re: Boundaries
Rocky road,
The reason she doesn't want to tell you is likely because she knows it will hurt you if she did tell.
Sure it will have to come out, but it's probably better if it's soften up a bit and spread over some time.
It gives you both time to process and think things over. I know this seems troublesome and unnecessary, but as such it's not a bad idea.
Give it some time, that's probably the best for both of you. Because it's all quite a lot to take in.
Considering her wish to explore: If this means more bonding with that woman, maybe evolve to physical, that's a sure way to the end of your marriage.
So if that's the path you both want to go, maybe it's better to divorce first and let her "explore" after that. It'll save you a lot of hurt, thats my opinion.
Although it's different if she just wants to be sure she's lesbian and understand her feelings in this regard. (still the connection to that other woman should be broken). Even that is complicated enough (read my story), but you have to draw boundaries.
If she feels accepted to explore within those boundaries, this could be good enough for her. Meanwhile, this can bring you closer emotionally (my guess in recent years this gap was growing more and more).
It's a good thing you're talking, maybe discovering the first steps of a new level of communication. If so continue, realize this has just begun, there's a long way ahead in this regard.
Main question stays what you both really want. That is a choice, not somethings that just happens.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Boundaries
Hi again, Rocky. Wow...a lot has happened since your first post just 10 days ago. Either your wife is moving ultra-fast into her new life or you're being "trickle-truthed."
It hasn't even been a full month and she's gone from "there's no one else"..."I want to stay with you" to finding someone she is "strongly attracted to" and making you feel badly about asking questions that affect *your* life & family.
It doesn't seem like she is being very respectful of your feelings...and I can imagine how hurt you must feel. I'm sorry, my friend, but I don't think this is going to end well without serious boundaries & discussions.