I have heard it said that what you feel can be a better indicator of what is going on than necessarily what you think is happening.  The feelings you describe are familiar to us here.

Look you know her, she is your wife and I am just reading a post so what do I know but when I read 'my wife recently came out as bisexual'  I just think oh, she's got a girlfriend.  

And I don't believe she's only just discovering she is attracted to women.

When she says' she is still discovering her own feelings'  I translate it to mean she isn't sure if the relationship with the woman will provide her with everything you do and she wants to keep her options open.  'go out on friendly dates' she wants to have both her and you and not feel guilty about it because she has your permission?  wow, that will make it your fault that she has a girlfriend further down the line!

sorry, that's just the way I read it.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Jp,

Welcome,  you are in the shock of discovery.  Please read the first aid thread we have.

I remember the shock of finding out well. It's like getting hit by a bus.

The horribleness and abuse  of a spouse saying they have same sex attraction is lost on these spouses. They think they are being honest or even kind.
For us we now have in addition to the hurt..fear, anxiety, doubt, trauma..

Like others said the most important thing to do us not to go it alone.  Build a support system for youself.. know that you did nothing wrong.

Hi JP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My son is also a straight spouse, who's wife came out as a lesbian several. months ago. My heart breaks for you, it has been a devastating experience for my son and our whole family. Time helps, but we are all still raw, trying to help support him as best we can. I hope you have many loving friends and family to help you navigate your feelings/situation. It was difficult for my son to reach out, but he finally did and I know his friends have been very helpful and understanding. He is also talking to his therapist weekly to care for himself. Selfcare is so important at this time for you. This group has been incredibly helpful and supportive for me. I'm glad you found it. Hugs.

My husband came out about 9 months ago.  It is absolutely soul-crushing and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In that initial conversation, he said he couldn't be 100% committed to me without exploring that side of himself.  I think there was a point early after his disclosure, where he thought we'd have a separation or something, while he "figured out" if he was gay...and I'd be there waiting on the back burner just in case.  He keeps saying things like, what if he gets out there and it's not what he expected or wanted, and he's already lost me and the kids and ruined everything, like I'll feel bad and give him a free pass.  It didn't help that his therapist essentially told him, wanting to have sex with a man doesn't necessarily make you gay, and of course he was "confused" if he'd never had the experience to know if he liked it or not.  Then a gay man who also came out after 14 years of marriage asked him how he knew he was gay if he had never been with a man.  Thanks guys.  He's asked for a hall pass, he's asked for threesomes, he's asked for an open marriage, he's asked for a separation so he can sow his wild oats.  He's asked for every possible way to have his cake and eat it too.  

I say all this because...frankly, you should be aware that there's probably more to the story.  She may have feelings for someone.  My husband denied it when I asked him point blank if it was a specific person, but the truth eventually seeped out.  Emotional infidelity isn't "cheating" in some people's eyes.  She may already be casually dating (or sleeping with someone) and is afraid of getting caught, so if you give her permission, you can't be mad.  She may be working her way up to bigger asks or a bigger disclosure. They don't wake up one morning and throw a bomb in your marriage bed unless they think the risk is worth it.

This is your marriage too.  You didn't sign up for this.  She can't just come in with an announcement and expect you to change the rules for her benefit.  Your marriage is supposed to be about BOTH of you.  Make sure your voice isn't lost in all of this.  I've had to learn that the hard way.  

In most cases, when a partner admits to being bisexual, it probably means they are actually gay/lesbian, but won't admit it yet.   Being "BI" means you are still attracted to your spouse and can be fulfilled by them.. and that makes your marriage legit.  Admitting you are gay means admitting you have been lying to your spouse and brings on a lot of guilt.   So most times they inch their way toward the truth by saying they are just "bi" or "curious" or something like that.  

I'm sure that doesn't bring you much optimism or happy feelings..  Sorry!    I just want to prepare you for what is likely to come later. 

You don't have to sit back and let her dictate the future of your relationship.   Would she let you go out on dates with other women?  Maybe you've always wanted to date a redhead or an asian woman or a much younger or older woman?  Do you think that would be ok with her?   Her request is no different.  If you are not ok with her courting or dating or sleeping with another person, then let her know this.  If she choses to do it anyway, then your decisions for your future become much easier to make. 

Sorry you are going through this.  I know how hard it is.   I spent months trying to plead and convince my ex to stay married and committed to me... She was my life.. all I knew.  I couldn't face losing her. 

years later...  I'm so glad she left!   My life is so much better now.