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December 15, 2020 10:47 pm  #1

Need support

Hello everyone,

I am a straight husband who has been married for more than 10 years. My wife recently came out as bisexual. When this happened my whole world crumbled to pieces in front of my eyes. She says that she still loves me but she is not sure what the future may bring as she is still discovering her own feelings.

She says that she would like to go out on friendly dates with other women once COVID is over. I honestly do not know what to do. 

I am devastated, angry, sad. I feel like I have been living a lie all these years.

Any feedback would be really appreciated.



December 15, 2020 11:58 pm  #2

Re: Need support

I have heard it said that what you feel can be a better indicator of what is going on than necessarily what you think is happening.  The feelings you describe are familiar to us here.

Look you know her, she is your wife and I am just reading a post so what do I know but when I read 'my wife recently came out as bisexual'  I just think oh, she's got a girlfriend.  

And I don't believe she's only just discovering she is attracted to women.

When she says' she is still discovering her own feelings'  I translate it to mean she isn't sure if the relationship with the woman will provide her with everything you do and she wants to keep her options open.  'go out on friendly dates' she wants to have both her and you and not feel guilty about it because she has your permission?  wow, that will make it your fault that she has a girlfriend further down the line!

sorry, that's just the way I read it.

wishing you all the best, Lily



December 16, 2020 12:00 am  #3

Re: Need support

Hi Jp—I'm sorry you've found yourself here. I know exactly how you feel. I felt my world crumbling to pieces when my husband told me he is bisexual. He didn't ask for friendly dates with other men...then again, I don't think he quite expected me to react the way I did. I was angry...completely devastated. My emotions were all over the place. It's awful...that feeling like maybe you don't really know your partner after all.

Don't do what I did and immediately get into couples counseling. Seek your own support system...even if it's just a friend for now. For the first few weeks, I told no one and it was eating me alive (quite literally). Try to get as much space as you can. 

There's a saying around here: Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If you wouldn't be comfortable with your wife going out on dates with other men, you're probably not going to feel any better about her being with other women. Most of us simply didn't sign up for that.

Hang in there, jp...and post here any time you need a sounding board. <3


December 16, 2020 6:54 am  #4

Re: Need support


Welcome,  you are in the shock of discovery.  Please read the first aid thread we have.

I remember the shock of finding out well. It's like getting hit by a bus.

The horribleness and abuse  of a spouse saying they have same sex attraction is lost on these spouses. They think they are being honest or even kind.
For us we now have in addition to the hurt..fear, anxiety, doubt, trauma..

Like others said the most important thing to do us not to go it alone.  Build a support system for youself.. know that you did nothing wrong.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

December 16, 2020 8:46 am  #5

Re: Need support

Whether your wife is dating women or men, she's dating while married.  No difference. 

If she came to you and said, I'd like to date a man with a different occupation, or of a different ethnicity or race, you'd likely find that unacceptable.  If you wouldn't accept her dating men while married to you, why would you accept her dating women?  So she can have her cake (you) and eat it, too (a woman)?  

Bisexual doesn't mean "must have sex with both men and women"; bisexual means "capable of being attracted to both men and women."  Married, however, means "exclusively committed to spouse" (whether that person is male or female, same or opposite sex).  


Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 16, 2020 10:51 am)


December 16, 2020 9:16 am  #6

Re: Need support

Hi JP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My son is also a straight spouse, who's wife came out as a lesbian several. months ago. My heart breaks for you, it has been a devastating experience for my son and our whole family. Time helps, but we are all still raw, trying to help support him as best we can. I hope you have many loving friends and family to help you navigate your feelings/situation. It was difficult for my son to reach out, but he finally did and I know his friends have been very helpful and understanding. He is also talking to his therapist weekly to care for himself. Selfcare is so important at this time for you. This group has been incredibly helpful and supportive for me. I'm glad you found it. Hugs.


December 16, 2020 10:53 am  #7

Re: Need support

Hey SadMom,  Not to hijack JP's thread, but I hope Thanksgiving went ok for you all.  


December 16, 2020 11:46 am  #8

Re: Need support

My husband came out about 9 months ago.  It is absolutely soul-crushing and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In that initial conversation, he said he couldn't be 100% committed to me without exploring that side of himself.  I think there was a point early after his disclosure, where he thought we'd have a separation or something, while he "figured out" if he was gay...and I'd be there waiting on the back burner just in case.  He keeps saying things like, what if he gets out there and it's not what he expected or wanted, and he's already lost me and the kids and ruined everything, like I'll feel bad and give him a free pass.  It didn't help that his therapist essentially told him, wanting to have sex with a man doesn't necessarily make you gay, and of course he was "confused" if he'd never had the experience to know if he liked it or not.  Then a gay man who also came out after 14 years of marriage asked him how he knew he was gay if he had never been with a man.  Thanks guys.  He's asked for a hall pass, he's asked for threesomes, he's asked for an open marriage, he's asked for a separation so he can sow his wild oats.  He's asked for every possible way to have his cake and eat it too.  

I say all this because...frankly, you should be aware that there's probably more to the story.  She may have feelings for someone.  My husband denied it when I asked him point blank if it was a specific person, but the truth eventually seeped out.  Emotional infidelity isn't "cheating" in some people's eyes.  She may already be casually dating (or sleeping with someone) and is afraid of getting caught, so if you give her permission, you can't be mad.  She may be working her way up to bigger asks or a bigger disclosure. They don't wake up one morning and throw a bomb in your marriage bed unless they think the risk is worth it.

This is your marriage too.  You didn't sign up for this.  She can't just come in with an announcement and expect you to change the rules for her benefit.  Your marriage is supposed to be about BOTH of you.  Make sure your voice isn't lost in all of this.  I've had to learn that the hard way.  


December 16, 2020 5:57 pm  #9

Re: Need support

I know this is about being bisexual and going out on dates, however you mentioned “since COVID is over”. I noticed since all the important emotional stuff has been discussed, it IS important to mention that COVID is NOT over! I am still housebound because I’m such high risk, and my Dr said I shouldn’t go anywhere that not everyone is wearing a mask. The new daily cases are going UP here, not down. So, I just wanted to mention that so everyone will still be careful with it.
((((HUGS))))), peace and BE CAREFUL!


December 17, 2020 1:33 am  #10

Re: Need support

In most cases, when a partner admits to being bisexual, it probably means they are actually gay/lesbian, but won't admit it yet.   Being "BI" means you are still attracted to your spouse and can be fulfilled by them.. and that makes your marriage legit.  Admitting you are gay means admitting you have been lying to your spouse and brings on a lot of guilt.   So most times they inch their way toward the truth by saying they are just "bi" or "curious" or something like that.  

I'm sure that doesn't bring you much optimism or happy feelings..  Sorry!    I just want to prepare you for what is likely to come later. 

You don't have to sit back and let her dictate the future of your relationship.   Would she let you go out on dates with other women?  Maybe you've always wanted to date a redhead or an asian woman or a much younger or older woman?  Do you think that would be ok with her?   Her request is no different.  If you are not ok with her courting or dating or sleeping with another person, then let her know this.  If she choses to do it anyway, then your decisions for your future become much easier to make. 

Sorry you are going through this.  I know how hard it is.   I spent months trying to plead and convince my ex to stay married and committed to me... She was my life.. all I knew.  I couldn't face losing her. 

years later...  I'm so glad she left!   My life is so much better now. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


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