MOM can work! Ours does - you can read my story in Embracing my Husband's SSA thread.

You do need two very committed spouses. You will put in a lot of work. It will be very painful for a while. In my case - I think it was worth it, but it is a very personal choice.

Good analogy with liking blondes - 98% of straight men watch porn with blonds. Many wives are OK with that. Many men are OK with their wives having sex with women (particularly if they can take part), some women are OK with their husbands having sex with men (most aren't). No need to sum it to infinity. Watching porn, reading novels, having more "gay" sex with their opposite sex partber might be all a person needs. Or not.

The gay/bi adolescence stage is real, but some people go through it a lot quicker and calmer than others. Others use it as an excuse to be a d*ckhead for years to come.

Do get a post-nup discuss all the "what-ifs". I did and it made our journey a lot smoother as I wasn't panicking.

Good luck. You got this, one way or another!

lily wrote:

These are the people who go on and find another woman when the one they have gets away.

Lily, I came across this podcast a few months ago and thought about your story the way you always tell it like you ex "loved the closet more than anything". I forgot to post it at a time, but here it is now - this might resonate: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wu3-oTEHqg


 

Momof3, sorry for an untimely and possibly useless advice. I really don't know anything about the trans dynamic (my husband is bi), but have you tried complimenting him on his masculinity? Like all the time, 24/7? I only have limited experience, but it worked on every guy I've been with. As in how much you like his body hair, his masculine jaw, his biceps, his d*ck? I watched a documentary and a TEDx talk on trans women, and I suspect they would not welcome complements on their masculinity, but I don't know.. worth a try?

Good luck! I really don't know how to help you, but other trans widows will. I was a single mum for 5 years (only with one child though) and I really enjoyed that time (certainly in hindsight). Maybe you can start looking for a part-time job? 

Quick update and some peculiar behaviors from my husband's family.

We’re doing well. The older kids have left for university, so it’s just the three of us and the cats most of the time.

After my husband’s father passed away in early January, he had a long, open conversation with his mother and decided to come out to her. It went well initially—she appeared to be accepting and supportive.

A few days later, I received a phone call from his mom asking how I was doing and what this all meant for me. I was incredibly grateful to get this call, knowing how few straight spouses ever receive one. I explained that while it was initially difficult for me to deal with the past deception, we are over the worst of it, committed to each other, staying monogamous, etc., etc. I also had a similar conversation with his sister (at her request). They were clearly processing everything, and I was empathetic, patiently answering their questions about the state of our marriage.

Since then, things have started to go downhill. They’re showing a mix of quite toxic emotions, and those emotions are now being directed at my husband. They seem frustrated that he came out, disappointed that he didn’t come out to them first (“We would have preferred to keep it in the family”…), afraid for his future, as well as somehow for their own future. They seem to have decided that our marriage is unlikely to continue (despite both of us asserting the contrary), They blame him for changing too much (believe me, he hasn’t), and they say that they can’t trust him anymore.

The most bewildering part is that they seem to try to find someone to blame for his bisexuality. So far, they’ve blamed his therapist and (it sounded like...) me!I have not expected anything like that and in a way I feel guilty for encouraging him to come out to them. Surprisingly, even my recently-religious, deeply bigoted mother had a more accepting reaction than them. 

So yeah, things are quite crazy at the

findingmyvoice wrote:

... His argument is that if I would just try harder, if I would just "feed that flame", I could find it sexually attractive. I feel like I've been doing that for years, sometimes to the point of doing things I'm not comfortable with, and it has never ignited that sexual desire for femininity in me.

This is what they used to tell gay people at conversion therapy. Just "feed the flame" of whatever little opposite sex attraction you have. Did it work for anyone? Maybe for few, temporarily. In most cases it didn't and it ruined many lives - of gay people and those around them. 

Couple's counselling can work, but only if you have an unbiased, supportive therapist. The main thing to understand as others have already said - you need your voice! You need to state firmly what you are and aren't into. No excuses. He/they will either have to compromise and restructure your relationship, so that it is comfortable and enjoyable for you or you will have to part ways, so you can be happy on your own.

My husband is bisexual and we are in a relatively thriving MOM. I am your person if you want to talk compromise, but I would never tolerate him saying "oh, just do this for me, it's not that hard". You tell me what you like, I will note it and think about it. It is, however, for me to decide what I will or will not do for you (with you, to you, etc.). If it feels like it might be fun FOR ME, I might try it. If not - thank you for sharing, I appreciate your honesty, this doesn't do much for me, let's think about another outlet for your desires.

Good luck!