Hi Sean, I agree with everything you said in the previous post, as always a very clear and sobering message, my friend.

However, I can't walk past your "he will probably claim abuse" comment. It sounded like you are encouraging to outright dismiss those claims.

I think we all need to remember that if a person is claiming sexual abuse in childhood, it should be taken seriously, and they have to go into therapy. I agree, there's enough information on the internet for anyone to contruct a plausible story of how early sexual abuse led them to compulsive same-sex behaviors, but we can't be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

My husband experienced sexual abuse from a male perpetrator (a doctor) when he was ten. It became one of the main factors that suppressed (rather than caused) his desire to pursue men in adolescence and later in life. He lost all trust in men and is only now beginning to rebuild it (with lots of therapy). Just saying, these things can get complicated and probably best to leave them to the professionals rather than a forum advice.

Instead of my regular monthly update, I decided to post a poem. I am hoping many would be able to relate to the tension in it - regardless of your current experience or the final outcome of your relationship. I think this tension between the complex world and the simple truths extend beyond our situations, but I find it does come to the surface more often on the pages of this forum.

Sun Will Not Rise
The sun will rise tomorrow, - she said.
No it will not, - he said.
How can it not? - she asked.
The birds will sing, the wind will blow, the flowers will bloom, the world is complex, so the sun will not rise, - he said.
And he was right. 
Or at the very least he was closer to the truth than she was. The world was complex. The birds sang, the wind blew, the flowers bloomed and about a thousand other things happened - all at the same time. 
The world was not about the sun rising. It was about a thousand different things happening.
Do you now see? - he asked.
I do, - she answered.
However... the sun rose.

As for our situation, we are at the same place - settled, for-now-monogamous, having great conversations (often overly philosophical).

____________________
I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.


https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=11033#p11033
 

MOM can work! Ours does - you can read my story in Embracing my Husband's SSA thread.

You do need two very committed spouses. You will put in a lot of work. It will be very painful for a while. In my case - I think it was worth it, but it is a very personal choice.

Good analogy with liking blondes - 98% of straight men watch porn with blonds. Many wives are OK with that. Many men are OK with their wives having sex with women (particularly if they can take part), some women are OK with their husbands having sex with men (most aren't). No need to sum it to infinity. Watching porn, reading novels, having more "gay" sex with their opposite sex partber might be all a person needs. Or not.

The gay/bi adolescence stage is real, but some people go through it a lot quicker and calmer than others. Others use it as an excuse to be a d*ckhead for years to come.

Do get a post-nup discuss all the "what-ifs". I did and it made our journey a lot smoother as I wasn't panicking.

Good luck. You got this, one way or another!

lily wrote:

These are the people who go on and find another woman when the one they have gets away.

Lily, I came across this podcast a few months ago and thought about your story the way you always tell it like you ex "loved the closet more than anything". I forgot to post it at a time, but here it is now - this might resonate: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wu3-oTEHqg


 

Momof3, sorry for an untimely and possibly useless advice. I really don't know anything about the trans dynamic (my husband is bi), but have you tried complimenting him on his masculinity? Like all the time, 24/7? I only have limited experience, but it worked on every guy I've been with. As in how much you like his body hair, his masculine jaw, his biceps, his d*ck? I watched a documentary and a TEDx talk on trans women, and I suspect they would not welcome complements on their masculinity, but I don't know.. worth a try?

Good luck! I really don't know how to help you, but other trans widows will. I was a single mum for 5 years (only with one child though) and I really enjoyed that time (certainly in hindsight). Maybe you can start looking for a part-time job?