Hi Sean, interesting topic and I do have some thoughts on it - 

why do people want to be magicians?  why is it so satisfying to trick people into believing falsely.

I don't find it satisfying - the one time I tried it (pretending I hadn't been smoking) I felt so guilty towards my friend for causing the confusion, the doubt between her senses (she could smell it) and her belief, that I confessed.

so back to my question - my ex enjoyed fooling me, it was a part of the pleasure.  I'm disgusted by him ever more so in retrospect.

I used to wonder did he ever once look at me and feel bad for screwing me and the thing is now I don't ask that question any more - it was part of the pleasure for him, it was a source of satisfaction to hurt me.  

It wasn't that he didn't understand or know what he was doing, his excuse was to say I never asked to be born.

These are the people who go on and find another woman when the one they have gets away.

Sean - I will never understand this myself. I also truly don't get the point of lying about it (and if it's a situation where you fear for your life, or there are other reasons to remain "closeted" I don't see why you don't make an open arrangement with a woman who is open to the relationship from the beginning, and you both know what you're getting into). 

For myself - I don't care if a man isn't straight. I do care about him lying to me and using me to cover it. And, personally, I never want to date or marry a man who isn't straight. And, again, for myself there is a firm boundary. It is black and white. If you have any romantic or sexual interest in men, you aren't straight, and I am not interested. Go off and find someone who will be compatible with you and build your life with them. 

I will never understand why my was-band did this to me. Let alone, for close to 20 years. He can spout all the nonsense he wants, but he knew before he married me. And he chose to blind side me, ruin my life, and be unendingly cruel in the process. None of it was necessary. It still makes my head hurt if I think about it too much.

But, I had to accept what others have pointed out.....he enjoyed hurting me. He wanted to see me suffer. And he went out of his way to be cruel. He knew what he was doing. And he made his choices.

Thanks for commenting Alex. Hope you and your husband are both well friend. Here is what I wrote: "By most objective standards, men who have sex with men are no longer heterosexual." My post was about men who have sex with men and still claim to be heterosexual. My paralell was a person who regularly eats steak while claiming to be vegetarian. Your husband, a prince by my standards, has I believe identified as bisexual correct? My issue would be if he were having sex with men while still claiming to be 100% heterosexual. That's the issue I was attempting to highlight...and perhaps failing. (I don't really care about the porn which is why I only mentioned it in passing.) Thoughts?  

Last edited by Sean01 (March 10, 2025 4:47 pm)

Sean01 wrote:

Thanks for commenting Alex. Hope you and your husband are both well friend. Here is what I wrote: "By most objective standards, men who have sex with men are no longer heterosexual." My post was about men who have sex with men and still claim to be heterosexual. My paralell was a person who regularly eats steak while claiming to be vegetarian. Your husband, a prince by my standards, has I believe identified as bisexual correct? My issue would be if he were having sex with men while still claiming to be 100% heterosexual. That's the issue I was attempting to highlight...and perhaps failing. (I don't really care about the porn which is why I only mentioned it in passing.) Thoughts?  

We are well, my friend, thank you for asking - off to the US to take our youngest to Disneyland, somewhat concerned about everything that is happening there, to be honest. What I was trying to argue, (and perhaps also failing) is that by extension of your logic, if a gay guy has sex with women, he cannot claim to be 100% gay. Many do (in a willing, not a forced, closeted kind of way) and still maintain their gay identities. Personally, it doesn't trigger me whichever way people identify - I look at how they behave and how connected they are with their feelings and attractions. That's what's appealing on every level.

Alex, sexual attraction is not a muddy field for straights.  

Resentfulness seems to me to be a core feeling that goes with the closet - 'it's not fair they should be happy when I'm not, I'm entitled to make a comfy closet out of them'.

While I agree with the person on the podcast that sociopaths have an instinct for picking someone who will be susceptible, I don't like the codependent tag one little bit.   Being kind and approachable is not something you can heal from even if you want to.  But he's right - we do get better at getting away sooner rather than later.

And I don't think it means all closeted spouses are sociopathic.  The closet is modelled to the child by their closeted parent.  To grow up and get married in turn could be an innocent mistake and no hurt intended.  And then I think there are also lots of cases where both spouses are closeted and no pain offered.