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General Discussion » Triggered » April 1, 2023 8:15 am

A week of triggers... yep. I'm sorry, and you're doing great! 

My triggers this week:
I went to the DMV to change my address on my license.
I had to change my emergency contact to my oldest daughter.
I explained my situation to a woman I was on a first date with (she still wants to go out with me)
I read a book about BPD and what I've lived with for 20+ years
My ex asked if I was dating and encouraged me to (because she had a woman coming to the house I still own that night)
I had to write an email to an impossible customer
I told a friend of 30 yrs what has happened and they offered polite support to me AND her and said she'd pray for us. Thanks a f-ing lot.

I've had extreme anxiety and a full-blown panic attack this week. Good times.
 

Support » Idk what I need... » April 1, 2023 8:01 am

I know what you're saying. I still have to get through mediation and actually work with her to deal with this stuff. "She has to learn to deal with it" sounds nice, but she's not. She blamed me for our split because she can't handle the responsibility. She blames the church, her family, society and somehow, ME for her situation but won't own what's she's done to me. Regardless of what's just I have to deal with reality. It'll be her job to deal with her issues when a divorce decree is granted. I do care about her and want the best for her, but that isn't in play here. This is strictly pragmatism. Limiting conflict helps everyone.

Support » Idk what I need... » March 29, 2023 3:38 pm

Hi Gwen,

I didn't even think of that as something I needed to address. It's a family birthday party- family gets invited. I'm sure they are "her chosen family" so to her it's fine, but of course for the rest of us it was completely inappropriate and rude. It's almost like, why didn't I make sure she was straight before I married her? I'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries with her and also imagine what scenarios might happen, and set boundaries there too. It's nearly impossible.

The thing is, people with BPD are HYPER sensitive to criticism and abandonment, whether it's perceived or real. Like off the charts sensitive. So any boundary I set, I have to also expect her to blow right through it because that's historically what happens. If I point out that a boundary has been crossed, or any feedback I give that's less than a glowing endorsement at all, is perceived as criticism and becomes an argument or it gets flipped back on me and I get blamed. So to be honest, it often requires less energy to just deal with things as they come instead of putting up boundaries. I wish I knew a better way- if you have suggestions, I'm open to them. Limiting contact is the only thing that helps so far.

Support » Idk what I need... » March 29, 2023 1:20 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

 I try not to think about it because I don't want to get emotional about something that's gone. Almost 4 decades of my life...that's more time with A. than without!.....were with the man I'm now leaving, and even though there were good times the bad times take precedence. I just feel empty and sad.
 

I'm so sorry Elle. This is such difficult stuff. 
 

Support » Idk what I need... » March 29, 2023 11:10 am

I'm finding the ability to separate the GID for 2 decades and the subsequent divorce (in process) from the personality stuff. It's incredibly hard to do that. I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's a resource for those in relationship with someone with BPD (borderline). I'm not exaggerating here- I read the 5-page introduction and nearly had a panic attack. It took 30 minutes of tears and deep slow breathing to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. That's what I've lived through. And I'm finally able to know that I'm not awful like she said. I'm not crazy and I'm not abusive. 

It could have been so different. We could at least be friends. I'm mourning that. 

On a good note, I got coffee with someone yesterday. I'd messaged with her for a few days and invited her out. We spent 45 minutes talking and I can't believe the difference. That little bit of a connection was more than I'd felt for decades. My ex had flirted with me, sure, but there was always something missing. Something that felt forced. This was like... I don't know. Like it was supposed to be I guess. 

I appreciate you all. 

Support » Idk what I need... » March 27, 2023 3:14 pm

I'm not sure why I'm posting today. It's been a little while because I've been so insanely busy. Setting up an entire single father life and home is exhausting. I'm nearly able to start breathing again.

This weekend was my youngest 2 kids birthday (they share a birthday). It was also my weekend to have them so I got all 4 of my youngest Thursday evening and brought them back to her house (my old house? wth) this morning. It was a good, albeit tiring, weekend. I had a family birthday party for them, which amounts to inviting my ex's family because mine lives over 1000 miles away. My ex, without telling or asking me, invited two of her gay support group members to our family birthday party for our 9 and 11 yr old. They came to skating, and then she brought them to my house. Yes, to MY house, for the party. Both I, her family members and my kids were confused why people they didn't know were coming to the party and why their mom was spending so much time with them. 

Now, I know why she brought them. She felt her family wasn't 100% supportive of her and wanted people there she felt supported by. But I also asked her if she wanted me to invite her family and she was very grateful and said yes. What's really F-ing with me is inviting them without clearing it with me, Especially to my house! Who does that? If she'd talked to me and explained things, I probably would have been supportive. 

I welcomed them in, talked with them at both places, etc. They're very lovely people and if they weren't her friends, I'd love to get to know them more. I legitimately liked them. I certainly wasn't going to put THEM in a shitty situation by calling her out on it. They were being good friends and did nothing wrong. It was a bit much... okay, a f-ing lot, when I looked over and my ex was cozied up to the woman laying her head on her shoulder. In my living room. 

I'm trying to deal with this the best I can. I'm being a good father. I'm being an amazing ex husband at this point imo. I

General Discussion » A form of abuse? » March 20, 2023 8:33 am

I recently talked to my therapist about this (again lol). I asked her directly if she thinks my ex is a narcissist and she said she thinks she has some narcissistic traits, but she is almost positive she has borderline personality disorder. That's both validating and scary to hear. I've also had numerous people tell me I've been in an abusive relationship and they're glad I'm getting help. 

General Discussion » Why did my closeted ex wife have kids with me? » March 20, 2023 8:31 am

Some do because they want kids, regardless of the pain it causes the other adult (I can't even use the word partner- they aren't a partner if they knew their sexuality, they use people for their own purposes). Some do it to hide their identity due to fear or shame- the shame part is why I think so many LGBT people in this scenario are narcissists (not the general LGBT population, and not all who do this). Some do it unknowingly because they aren't aware of their identity.

There could be any number of other reasons too. I know you want answers. I wish it were easy to get them. You probably won't though, and imo and experience the longer you look for them and focus on that, the harder it is to find your own life and happiness. Take the time you need! But know that the answers usually don't materialize and you can spend a lot of time searching for them.

Support » It's so much pain -does it get better? » March 14, 2023 2:58 pm

Sag,

I relate to everything you wrote. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've started the climb out of the shithole. It's two years since my LW started to disclose to me. "I'm not straight" became "I might be a lesbian", which was dialed back because I made it clear that I couldn't like in a marriage with a lesbian and everything that (obviously) would mean. This past January she said she'd known she was a lesbian since the very beginning but "tried to be straight" so she wouldn't lose me. I'm sorry sweetie, but looking back you weren't straight before and that explains a lot of what we went through... anyway.

We met with a lesbian counselor who specialized in helping couples in our situation, often dissolving the marriage. The counselor understood why we weren't compatible. We were talking about telling our kids and the obvious reason, free of shame and guilt, was that mom discovered that she's a lesbian, so of course we can't stay married. No, my LW decided she was okay with the divorce because I'd been a bad husband for so long and the last few months I'd been acting angry. So being a lesbian wasn't the reason our heterosexual marriage was ending? That was news to me. I was at fault for everything I guess.

I feel like I'm plugging a book but Rebuilding When you Relationship Ends has helped me a lot, besides weekly therapy. The other thing that has helped is moving out, talking to normal people (not therapists, no offense to them) and trying to live life the way I want. Hearing normal people react with concern for me and outrage that I'm going through this has been healing. Especially since for me, most of the empathy I've experienced has come from my in-laws. 

It also helped when I asked my therapist if she thought my LW was a narcissist. She said she thought she had some narcissistic traits, sure, but she was almost positive she was diagnosable for borderline personality disorder. She read me the traits in the DSM-5 and I thought, wow all but 1 apply

General Discussion » Sex questions: where to get intercourse answer » March 14, 2023 2:38 pm

OOHC-
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I am SO sorry you went through that. And here you are, trying to heal and help others get through the unimaginable. 

I'm so stinking impressed by so many people here. The strength, bravery, empathy, authenticity, vulnerability, love and friendship displayed is overwhelming. I don't think anyone here hears it often enough. You're all fucking amazing. If you're still plugging away after this kind of trauma, you're seriously awesome. I'm grateful for you all.

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