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March 27, 2023 3:14 pm  #1


Idk what I need...

I'm not sure why I'm posting today. It's been a little while because I've been so insanely busy. Setting up an entire single father life and home is exhausting. I'm nearly able to start breathing again.

This weekend was my youngest 2 kids birthday (they share a birthday). It was also my weekend to have them so I got all 4 of my youngest Thursday evening and brought them back to her house (my old house? wth) this morning. It was a good, albeit tiring, weekend. I had a family birthday party for them, which amounts to inviting my ex's family because mine lives over 1000 miles away. My ex, without telling or asking me, invited two of her gay support group members to our family birthday party for our 9 and 11 yr old. They came to skating, and then she brought them to my house. Yes, to MY house, for the party. Both I, her family members and my kids were confused why people they didn't know were coming to the party and why their mom was spending so much time with them. 

Now, I know why she brought them. She felt her family wasn't 100% supportive of her and wanted people there she felt supported by. But I also asked her if she wanted me to invite her family and she was very grateful and said yes. What's really F-ing with me is inviting them without clearing it with me, Especially to my house! Who does that? If she'd talked to me and explained things, I probably would have been supportive. 

I welcomed them in, talked with them at both places, etc. They're very lovely people and if they weren't her friends, I'd love to get to know them more. I legitimately liked them. I certainly wasn't going to put THEM in a shitty situation by calling her out on it. They were being good friends and did nothing wrong. It was a bit much... okay, a f-ing lot, when I looked over and my ex was cozied up to the woman laying her head on her shoulder. In my living room. 

I'm trying to deal with this the best I can. I'm being a good father. I'm being an amazing ex husband at this point imo. I'm really struggling with my business because I can't focus and be productive enough. My ex has essentially checked out of our business so all of that is falling on me too, besides paying the business bills. 

I don't have any emotional reserves right now. I'm lonely and exhausted. I've been lonely for years, many years before she came out, because she wasn't really there. I mean, we've taken our kids skating dozens of times over the years and she's never skated once with me. Not once. But she could skate with her friends. Just one more thing to try to avoid looking back on and questioning. One more thing that feels like loss. 

I'm so sick of writing posts about a shit situation that I have to figure out how to live through. 

 

March 27, 2023 7:23 pm  #2


Re: Idk what I need...

To bring her friends to your children's party at your home without asking?!?

that's pretty hard core.  It is unusual where the family of the gay one supports the straight spouse so perhaps there is in what you say, she was looking for support but it could also be an indication she is going to give you a rough time and it might serve you to be cautious and not set the correct boundaries right away - that presumably is what she is expecting you to do.  If so waiting for the other shoe to drop might save you from an escalating situation where she is expecting you to nursemaid and pay bills, to act like you are still married to her, while she goes out.

however, whatever you are in a shitty situation and writing posts here will help you handle it.  same for us all.

Last edited by lily (March 27, 2023 7:24 pm)

 

March 28, 2023 2:06 pm  #3


Re: Idk what I need...

I feel you. The whole thing is just so weird.

I had a security system/tv/internet installed, as it has always been under gay-ex's name. So, I picked out my own provider and what I wanted. He came and installed everything. And then none of the light switches in my house worked.

Because gay-ex had put in smart switches for everything and the something or other that they had to do to put in the security system changed something about the smart switches. So I was left with a whole bunch of smart switches flashing red lights at me.

So I had to contact him and have him come back to fix the stupid things. I was just grouchy cuz it feels like I got dumped in this situation and I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. And since he just left with no fore thought or warning....everything is half done.

It feels like things are just needlessly complicated. And I want my independence and yet everything is still so bloody intertwined. And I'm just stuck to this person who wants to erase me from their life. 

I will say though....for the first time I just felt nothing when he came over. Literally just blank. And I didn't cry after he left. So, I'm telling myself that's progress!

Keep on writing away. It's about all one can do it seems in these situations where we have no say in everything revolving around our lives. Good luck and we're here to listen.

 

March 28, 2023 2:14 pm  #4


Re: Idk what I need...

Anon2222 wrote:

....I will say though....for the first time I just felt nothing when he came over. Literally just blank. And I didn't cry after he left. So, I'm telling myself that's progress!

That's progress alright!

🥳


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 28, 2023 3:40 pm  #5


Re: Idk what I need...

Too much hurt between me and my GX.   

I dont go in her house and she doesn't go in mine. 

Bringing her girlfriend over to your house regardless of the reason is so passive aggressive and controlling to me. Like she wants the benefits of your house to be with the kids and her family .  But she has forfeited that right.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 28, 2023 8:24 pm  #6


Re: Idk what I need...

The pda between her and her friend is not good around young kids.

My late GIDXH manipulated me into being his substitute mom, including supporting him financially, so he could live in perpetual adolescence.  It was a relief to shut down his crazy notion by separating/going no contact.  His 53 year old self was free to grow up or find a new mom.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 29, 2023 11:10 am  #7


Re: Idk what I need...

I'm finding the ability to separate the GID for 2 decades and the subsequent divorce (in process) from the personality stuff. It's incredibly hard to do that. I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's a resource for those in relationship with someone with BPD (borderline). I'm not exaggerating here- I read the 5-page introduction and nearly had a panic attack. It took 30 minutes of tears and deep slow breathing to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. That's what I've lived through. And I'm finally able to know that I'm not awful like she said. I'm not crazy and I'm not abusive. 

It could have been so different. We could at least be friends. I'm mourning that. 

On a good note, I got coffee with someone yesterday. I'd messaged with her for a few days and invited her out. We spent 45 minutes talking and I can't believe the difference. That little bit of a connection was more than I'd felt for decades. My ex had flirted with me, sure, but there was always something missing. Something that felt forced. This was like... I don't know. Like it was supposed to be I guess. 

I appreciate you all. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 29, 2023 1:09 pm  #8


Re: Idk what I need...

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I'm finding the ability to separate the GID for 2 decades and the subsequent divorce (in process) from the personality stuff. It's incredibly hard to do that.
 

 I try not to think about it because I don't want to get emotional about something that's gone. Almost 4 decades of my life...that's more time with A. than without!.....were with the man I'm now leaving, and even though there were good times the bad times take precedence. I just feel empty and sad. 

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 29, 2023 1:20 pm  #9


Re: Idk what I need...

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

 I try not to think about it because I don't want to get emotional about something that's gone. Almost 4 decades of my life...that's more time with A. than without!.....were with the man I'm now leaving, and even though there were good times the bad times take precedence. I just feel empty and sad.
 

I'm so sorry Elle. This is such difficult stuff. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

March 29, 2023 2:15 pm  #10


Re: Idk what I need...

HereInMpls2717 -  I'm sorry you had to experience such insensitivity during a joyous occasion. Would it help to verbalize your boundaries to her?   I am attending an event to support my GID husband in a few weeks. I am super thrilled to support him in his career but already asked direct questions. I asked if Bill or his other 'friends' are attending the event.  His response was, "No but why does it matter".  My response was, " I will not be there if you want to invite them. I choose not to place myself in the company of those who helped destroy our marriage."

My therapist was happy that I allowed him to make the choice and also provided my boundary.  I have chosen to accept those things that I can't change and look forward to my future. We have 3 young kids so I KNOW boundaries are needed!  Every day is becoming a little easier. Hang in there. 



“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown

 

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