Hi Dirkie,

I’m very sorry that you are going through this. Sadly statements like “you don’t satisfy me” are the kind of statements that burn themselves into our memories.

I was 40 when my ex-wife came out. We had been married for 16 years and had two children. Her “I don’t love you anymore” seered itself into my mind.

First of all I want to say that what is happening is not your fault. When our spouses come out as gay there is an inclination for us to blame ourselves. Our first thoughts are often…
If only i’d been a better lover
If only I’d been a better husband
If only I’d been a better man
If only I’d been a better person

The truth is that if someone is gay or lesbian there’s actually nothing you can do about that. My ex wife admitted that she had ALWAYS had feelings for women but, due to her upbringing and involvement in church, had denied, repressed and suppressed her feelings. That denial is like a time bomb waiting to go off.

As difficult as it may be you need to not take the “you don’t satisfy me” to heart. If she is a lesbian it was actually IMPOSSIBLE for you to satisfy her.

So… Where to from here. It sounds like you are giving each other some space. That is good. If you are anything like me you will have hated moving out but it might actually be good for you to to have some thinking space. I lived with my ex-wife for three months after she came out and it nearly drove me insane. Surround yourself with family and friends.

Get a counselor or therapist ASAP. If you feel yourself sliding emotionally or mentally (most of us do) get help immediately.  If you are in the USA you may be able to reach out to a local group of the Straight Spouse Network (now OurPath). See the links on their website. In an emergency go to your doctor.

Otherwise what happens now is ‘one day at a time’. Slow down. Give yourself time to process what is happening. Think but don’t over-think.

Cut yourself some slack.

Keep posting.

My favorite memory from the old Voy Forum was that there was a woman there who would tell us boys that she lived on a small farm and would drive a tractor in a bikini top.

Do you think it’s fair to tell a room full of sex-starved straight men that you’re driving a tractor in a bikini top?  She knew exactly what she was doing.

Still makes me laugh out loud thinking about the boys trying to determine the exact location of said farm. Somewhere in California :D

Also is there anyone here who remembers the name Portia?

Portia (a lesbian) caused holy hell in the forum for months.

It was like the Wild West in here. Great times

I’m very proud that this post is still here. Pinned and viewed over 20,000 times I think. (Can’t see the number of views on my phone) I’m glad that it has been so helpful to newbies.

The post actually pre-dates 2016. It was brought over from the old forum (Voyforums?)

I have updated it a few times as I have seen new acronyms arise in the forum posts. If anything new should be on there please let me know.

I’ve kinda been expecting it to disappear because times change and some things in there might not be ‘PC’ any more.

Anyway… thanks and love to you all.

Sam (Admin) wrote:

Disclaimer is there, second bullet under the welcome message.

We have no plans to change moderation policy. 

Great news.  Thanks Sam, and thanks for your many, many years of service to Straight Spouses

Well… It finally happened… The new website and a new name.  I would STRONGLY encourage everyone to listen to the OurPath podcast S4 EP1: ‘Welcome to OurPath’ for a great discussion on the name change, the new logo, the new website etc. The podcasts are here: https://ourpath.org/podcast/  The podcast explains well why the words ‘straight’ and ‘spouse’ are problematic going forward. A lot of us are very protective of the word ‘straight’ and I can understand the bit of pushback I am seeing about it being dropped from the organization’s name. After listening to the podcast I can see the challenge presented by the ‘straight pride’ movement but I also think that we should not engage in ‘straight shame’. I’m glad the word ‘straight’ still appears in the tag line under the logo.

I’m pretty sure the name ‘OurPath’ will grow on me. I freakin’ loved the explanation of the logo. ‘A labyrinth is a path that is always taking you to the center even when you feel like you are going farther away from it.’

This Open Forum has also been brought into the OurPath website which is awesome. I only have one concern. I was active on the Open Forum for many years (not so much lately) and I KNOW that the forum is not always ‘politically correct’.  People arrive here angry and hurt.  Often in their pain and anger they lash out at their LGBTQI+ partners and the LGBTQI+ community generally.  It’s not always fair and it’s not always right but it happens quite frequently.  I pray to God that OurPath continues to embrace and love angry and hurt people and doesn’t try to censor the open forum because honestly, I think you will kill this forum if it is not a ‘safe place’ for straight spouses to express themselves and get help. If it's not there already I suggest that OurPath puts a disclaimer on the Open Forum saying that it does not necessarily endorse the views expressed here. I'm terrified to be honest that the forum