My wife is bi, and we're still very happily together.  

I am one of the few anomalies on this board though. 

The biggest difference between my wife and other partners on this board is that she never lied, never cheated, none of that.  She didn't know what to call herself when she was younger, and didn't think much on it after we met.  When she realized it and that she found a certain comfort in identifying as queer, she let me know as soon as she realized it.

I think if she had cheated, lied, or intentionally misled me I'd feel uncomfortable.  Distrust is distrust, whether it's around sexual proclivities or not.  I think we get hung up on those because they feel like the ultimate betrayal because it makes us feel as if we aren't good enough, and that's not really the case.  If your partner is deceptive, malicious, and otherwise disrespectful, they're a bad partner and hiding their sexual preferences is a symptom of that... A very painful one.

Best of luck to you.  

Rob wrote:

Nimble,

I hope you remain forever "her person".

I would think a good quality person could remain faithful and true.  But my GX was not of good quality.  It's like she withheld strong heterosexual attraction from me..  doled just enough out to keep me for years and then years later became bold enough to be who she truly is..a truly hurtful person. She considered herself the victim.  It was bizarre..she was the victim of kind and cherished heterosexual love?

There are few people in the world I consider more evil than my GX..murderers? Violent criminals?..but even those at least you know who they are to avoid them..hard to avoid someone you are married to but secretly does not fully love you with all their heart and being..

Thanks, yeah.  I totally understand your feeling which is why the rest of my comment said that some folks seem downright evil.

I'm truly sorry for you and everyone who's had their lives completely upended by the deceit.

Hopefully you find a path forward and can have a life filled with better people, though I'm sure it will be challenging to trust another again.

I'm in the same camp as TangledOil-

Although, I was taken by surprise when my wife came out as bi, in retrospect there were lots of obvious signs that I was oblivious to.

That said, we've been together for 24 years and I've always known she was very attracted to me.  She makes it pretty clear that I'm her person.  The only difference now is that we also talk about women we both find attractive openly. 

It was a little weird at first, but it's not a bad thing to have that honesty. 

We are monogamous with no plans to change that status.

Reading everyone else's posts, though- I really feel for you all.  I don't believe everyone's partners intended so much harm (although some seem downright evil), the reality is devastating.

I wish the best to you all in figuring your way through such a bizarre and difficult situation.

Hey Lily,

I must admit your post gave me a little chuckle.  It's quite an assumption to think she's dressing for other women.  She most certainly isn't.  Her style is what makes her happy and feel more like herself.  She has crazy hair and a bunch of piercings and her clothing choices are about what makes her feel like herself.  Prior to coming out, she was sometimes nervous about how she'd be perceived if she did what she wanted, but now she's confident and happy about being who she is.  If you asked, she'd say a huge portion of that confidence comes from the fact that she has a partner that is in her corner unconditionally.

I do understand that my experience is far different than the norm for folks in these forums, and while I'm grateful for how it's gone for me, I am aware and feel for those having a rougher time.  I mostly posted and returned for folks like Pixel who may be walking a similar path.  

My wife isn't looking to go anywhere without me, nor I her.  We're very happily married and still absolutely best friends.  

Just chiming in with some other thoughts-

It sounds like you've been pretty supportive, and you're quite right about things changing.  That's pretty fair.  

A lot of the time, it's not what we say, but HOW....  You mentioned that in your followup.  I think it's really hard to call someone out as a narcissist online, and I can see in this scenario how she felt attacked given the situation, (alcohol involved, at a friends house, etc).

How you feel is how you feel.  And I think it's okay to grieve for what feels a bit like a loss even if your relationship is still the same in many ways.  

If you and your wife are still compatible, however, I think counseling would be a great thing for both of you to shore up how you communicate to one another.  She should be free to be herself, and you definitely need to figure out why her bisexuality is making you feel less secure.  It very well could be her actions, but it's not unheard of for anxiety to cause these issues in a person as well.

When my wife came out, I was mostly okay.  But I had one very bad day where I was an anxious wreck and the only thing that helped was us talking through stuff again.  My own thoughts had betrayed me, not her.

And yeah, this sort of stuff definitely changes people.  My wife looks nothing like what she looked like when we met.  She's always pushed the envelope with her aesthetics, but even moreso now that she's out.  I can understand feeling disrupted by that.  

Best of luck to you.  Hopefully you both can focus on what you love about one another moving forward.