I have questioned this myself. My gay husband told me that he has 0 attraction to me now and hasn't for a long time. And that when he looks at me he sees me as a friend, not a life partner. We've been married 20 years.

When we were dating, he pushed hard for sex. I was the one that was more reluctant and wanted to wait until we got married because I came from a very religious background.

Now he tells me he's in therapy to find out why he had sex with me because he's not even attracted to me, or women period. We had a romantic getaway and slept together not long before his announcement. I asked him what that meant.....he said that he can't tell me. He claims he figured out he was gay 2 weeks prior to sitting down beside me and announcing he's gay and divorcing me. And then he just abandoned me entirely. He is now incapable of speaking to me, helping me in any way, visually seeing me, even helping with any of the home repair. Nothing. He told me he is not capable of having me in his life in any way and will not acknowledge that he had a wife. So.....thanks I guess?

It's been delightful having someone decide to erase your existence. Meanwhile, we both still own the house and a bunch of stuff together and I'm doing all the work. He won't even answer me if I ask a single question related to joint issues (otherwise I have gone no contact). He just leaves me hanging.....so, either I pay for it and deal with it, or I just leave the stuff he destroyed or left half finished and unusable sitting there. He also has yet to pick up any of his crap. He took his valuables and dumped everything else on me.....so that I am now expected to hire a dumpster or removal company to get rid of? And pay for it of course. Or just have his crap taking up half the basement I guess.

The house was not in a condition to be sold and had a significantly reduced value due to the fact that a ton of renos were left half done. That we had been working on together. And he is the one with the knowledge and skill for these specific things. In order to live there, I had to hire someone to complete a bunch of the half done stuff just so I could use the space.

Long story short.....I just don't know what to believe. Honestly, I am leaning towards the belief that my entire life was a crock of shit where he manipulated me, used me, gas lit me, and then discarded me as a piece of trash when he was finished with me. I can look back and say that he never considered me a life partner. I was an object to him I guess? Something to try out and get rid of when you find the better version.

I also found out that I am likely a high functioning autistic adult. Which explains a lot in my life and why I have always been socially inept. Ironically, I found out that I struggle with picking up nuance, that I take people at face value and believe what they say, that I am logical and cannot understand lying and deception (because I literally believe people's words). Long story short, I found out that I'm an easily used person. I actually cannot tell when people are lying to me or using me, until after the fact when I work through the situation and what happened. And it takes me time to work it all out. So....now that the person I lived with and loved and thought was my partner for life has used me for years and I had no idea.....I'm actually terrified of life. I am now terrified of people and have shrunk into a shell of who I once was. Because if I can't even tell that the person next to me is lying, who can I actually trust?

Bella32658 wrote:

My spouse tells me while he's not physically attracted to me now,  he was 20 yrs ago.  I find it hard to believe now. But maybe it's just the pain.  What do you think?   Do you think you're spouse found you physically attractive?

Yeah, my wife now tells me she has 0 attraction to me. And it's hard for me to look back and not think that this was always the case.
But if I think logically, I can recall some things (like active sex life and even her initiating sex - which I know is not the case for some people here right after wedding), so that was the case. Though now it is somewhat hard to believe.

I don't know what caused her to change her mind like that.

I'm in the same camp as TangledOil-

Although, I was taken by surprise when my wife came out as bi, in retrospect there were lots of obvious signs that I was oblivious to.

That said, we've been together for 24 years and I've always known she was very attracted to me.  She makes it pretty clear that I'm her person.  The only difference now is that we also talk about women we both find attractive openly. 

It was a little weird at first, but it's not a bad thing to have that honesty. 

We are monogamous with no plans to change that status.

Reading everyone else's posts, though- I really feel for you all.  I don't believe everyone's partners intended so much harm (although some seem downright evil), the reality is devastating.

I wish the best to you all in figuring your way through such a bizarre and difficult situation.

Nimble,

I hope you remain forever "her person".

I would think a good quality person could remain faithful and true.  But my GX was not of good quality.  It's like she withheld strong heterosexual attraction from me..  doled just enough out to keep me for years and then years later became bold enough to be who she truly is..a truly hurtful person. She considered herself the victim.  It was bizarre..she was the victim of kind and cherished heterosexual love?

There are few people in the world I consider more evil than my GX..murderers? Violent criminals?..but even those at least you know who they are to avoid them..hard to avoid someone you are married to but secretly does not fully love you with all their heart and being..

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Nimble wrote:

 .....I don't believe everyone's partners intended so much harm....

That's a really naive statement to post in a Forum full of straightspouses

Elle
 

That's a very odd cherry pick which intentionally disregards what I said right after.

I don't know why you do this stuff, I'm not sure what it gets you, but it definitely reminds me of why I stopped coming here. 

Let's steer clear of each other moving forward.