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1 - Cody87
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2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum as I just joined today. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 9 1/2 years and over two years ago my wife came out to me as bisexual. At first I thought it was kind of a trend as her best friend at the time was a gay man and they would often go to Hillcrest which is the gay district in San Diego. I thought nothing of it because it was not really that different between us nor does it bother me at all to go to gay bars. However now we have twins that are two years old and now she is very outwardly bisexual and I know it is true and not a trend.
This all didn’t bother me and I tried to be as supportive as possible. We would go to pride events with our twins, she would go out to pride events with her gay best friend and have nights out with her friend as well. It has gradually went from kind of casually telling me she’s bisexual to it now being 100% part of her identity. Again, this does not necessarily bother me however I did the other night attempt to voice my opinion and stance on me being married to an openly bisexual woman. We have been together for well over 10 years and over 80% of that time was based off of the idea that we were in a strictly heterosexual relationship. Last Friday night my wife and I went to our friends house while the babysitter was home with the kids. we had quite a bit to drink and that is when I voiced my opinion on our relationship. In the not most wise or ideal ways of voicing my opinion I’ve buried myself in a way that paints me out to look like a I don’t support her.
I had told her that over the years she has changed and that it changes how I am a husband and also how we parent our children. I told her I don’t feel as confident, that I feel like she has been unfaithful, that I feel fearful of us and overall I told her how this has been affecting me. Her response was that she feels betrayed as well and that I no longer offer a safe space for her based off of what I said. That I now in a sense is no longer trustworthy and she feels like she cannot be herself. She feels that she now needs to censor herself because she says that she thinks it makes me feel uncomfortable. In reality that is not what I was trying to say I was trying to explain to her that this has changed our relationship and I am trying to figure out what it means for me. She sounded like she was trying to say that nothing should change for me and that by me saying there is a change that I am being selfish, unsupportive and that I am not the nice and understanding person that she thought I was. I truly want to be with her but I feel like she thinks my feelings and ideas aren’t valid or that she thinks I’m making this about me.
Overall, are the feelings and emotions I have normal?
I feel,
Less confident
Lower sex drive
Like I’ve lost “something”
Thoughts on how to parent our kids
Lingering shock
Emotional Distance
Low self esteem
Fear in some ways.
Feeling insecure
She now doesn’t speak with me.
……
Last edited by Cody87 (November 2, 2022 7:58 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Welcome to our Forum Cody 
Any LGBTQ person coming out from under the suppression of their sexuality will look at what her significant other does & says with new eyes. And much of it will be seen as being against the LGBTQ person because that's been their perceived view for so long. Like.....I'm changing who I am, it's not who I was, not who you thought I was but you can't place blame on me...."I'm just being my authentic self" and it'll be easier to see you as not accepting rather than her as being selfish.
I'm probably not expressing it well but our LGBTQ others will/do more easily place blame on us rather than take responsibility for changing the dynamics of the r'ship.
We have to be stronger. We have to build our reserves and resolve up to stop them from tearing us down. When she says "she feels like she can't be herself" it's probably that she feels your distress (from guilt? I don't know)
When she says she needs to "censor herself because she says she thinks it makes you feel uncomfortable " because it does! So be honest and tell her yes she's right. Tell her you won't let her cover up what's happening to you by making you feel this is all your fault
Keep posting Cody...we're here to listen
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Victo
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
My GID narcissist abuser ex also tried that line on me - that I should love her just the way she is because that is what I promised at our wedding.
But at our wedding, she was simply a narcissist.
She’s the one who lied by omission during our entire marriage. She’s the one who created the ‘unsafe’ conditions between us. Not me.
I married her based on the premise that she was straight - that she was actually attracted to me.
The level of narcissism it takes to abuse that trust and then blame YOU for that abuse is untenable.
Find your divorce attorney asap. I’m sorry, but this is likely not going to improve for you.
- lily
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
wow, now she's not speaking to you!
Very sorry to hear that, Cody. Yes your list of symptoms are quite normal - sleeping with someone who is pretending to be more into you than they really are seems to have this instant effect on one's self esteem. and it sounds to me like she is bullying you.
You tell her how you feel and she turns it around into your fault, and you have to shape up. That is very dismissive on a personal level and I'm going to suggest you read your own post a few times to let it sink in, what you are saying sounds clear and level headed to me.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Cody,
What you did was speak the truth: she has changed, and that change has had an effect on your relationship as husband and wife and as mother and father to your children. For her to "come out" as bisexual ten years into your relationship is a huge change! That kind of huge change needs to be discussed, because that one change--from heterosexual to bisexual--entails other changes. I think you would be acting reasonably to tell her that this change needs to be discussed, and if she doesn't feel "safe" discussing it with you one-on-one, you want her to discuss it with you in the company of and with the help of a therapist.
That her reaction to your reasonable observation that she has changed is for her to attack you, demand you adhere to her rules only, and subject you to the silent treatment (a form of relationship abuse, by the way) says to me that she may resist you on the idea of seeing a therapist. So, before you make this request, give some thought to what your response will be. Is it more of the same? Is it separation? Is it divorce?
Your feelings, by the way, are entirely normal, and that you feel so diminished may be the guide you need as you decide what your way forward is. A loving wife would be concerned that you are feeling so diminished; if you tell her this is how you are feeling and her response is to upbraid you, attack you, and invalidate your feelings, or turn the attention back to herself, then you have nothing to work with.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 2, 2022 9:52 pm)
- victoriariv
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Cody, I'm really sorry to hear this. I think you should ask for professional help. If she is not talking to you, this is emotional abuse.
Now, you should think about yourself, and your childs, and your mental health. Apparently, your partner is only thinking in herself.
So, I really recommend you that you might ask talk with a therapist. If this really is what you want for your life?
Take care and good luck.
- Blackie563
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Her response was that she feels betrayed as well and that I no longer offer a safe space for her based off of what I said. That I now in a sense is no longer trustworthy and she feels like she cannot be herself. She feels that she now needs to censor herself because she says that she thinks it makes me feel uncomfortable.
This is classic narcists type behavior. I am not diagnosing, just saying this is what mental abuse looks like. Because she changed the very nature of your relationship and you called it out, now "she" is the one put out? You can be perfectly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community and understand that this is still a betrayal of the highest order. Reverse it. If you were the one saying these things to her about another woman, you would be a "pig, scum, liar, etc". You arent mad at the orientation, its the lies and her approach to the change, at least that is how I read it.
I',m sorry you are dealing with this. It is awful, I am there for you and with you. (23 years of my life with a woman, for her to tell me one day, I like women now, sorry....
- Rob
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Cody,
Yeah it sounds narcisstic..the deflection and placing fault on you.
We should be enough foe put spouses..we should be more than enough.
And they never comphrehend on any level the fear and anxiety they inflict on us...they can be sexually attracted to any sex any object..but we are not to even look at a person of the sex. They know when we go out with our same sex friends we are not having sex with them. But we have no idea now what these spouses are doing...ie when she meets a friend for a shopping is it two friends getting together..or a date? I call this the horribleness of TGT. The anxiety can be debilitating.
Do not accept her excuses.Ask her why she keeps hurting you ..she keeps hurting you..does it give her pleasure?
Wishing you strength and courage.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Cody87
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Update:
This all has been really helpful, thank you everyone for your words and supports.
As of right now, 6 days in, she is speaking with me and being MUCH more kind. I have been tying to be myself and not tip toe around or go above and beyond in a way says im sorry because im not sorry for what I said. Some things I may have said in an angry tone and that im sorry for but not what I said.
She seems to be more happy and kind. She had planned a trip with her sister for this weekend about 6 months ago. I think its perfect timing, her sister is very level headed and it’ll
Be good for us to have some space.
I have NO problem with seeing a therapist and suggesting she see one as well. She has done therapy before and is pro therapy.
There is a lot of nuance to the situation that I cannot fully explain over a post but I truly do believe that the marriage is salvageable.
Ill post an update after she comes back from her trip with her sister.
Again, you all are very helpful. Thank you
- •
Thread Starter- Nimble
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Re: 2 years of her out and now it’s about to hit the fan.
Just chiming in with some other thoughts-
It sounds like you've been pretty supportive, and you're quite right about things changing. That's pretty fair.
A lot of the time, it's not what we say, but HOW.... You mentioned that in your followup. I think it's really hard to call someone out as a narcissist online, and I can see in this scenario how she felt attacked given the situation, (alcohol involved, at a friends house, etc).
How you feel is how you feel. And I think it's okay to grieve for what feels a bit like a loss even if your relationship is still the same in many ways.
If you and your wife are still compatible, however, I think counseling would be a great thing for both of you to shore up how you communicate to one another. She should be free to be herself, and you definitely need to figure out why her bisexuality is making you feel less secure. It very well could be her actions, but it's not unheard of for anxiety to cause these issues in a person as well.
When my wife came out, I was mostly okay. But I had one very bad day where I was an anxious wreck and the only thing that helped was us talking through stuff again. My own thoughts had betrayed me, not her.
And yeah, this sort of stuff definitely changes people. My wife looks nothing like what she looked like when we met. She's always pushed the envelope with her aesthetics, but even moreso now that she's out. I can understand feeling disrupted by that.
Best of luck to you. Hopefully you both can focus on what you love about one another moving forward.
Last edited by Nimble (November 7, 2022 6:34 pm)