> To my opinion acceptance is key in a MOM. First of all my wife accepts her own sexuality, doesn't see it as something to repress (that's not the same as not acting out). Secondly I accept her like she is, so she doesn't have to fear being checked (rejected) by me. So she is not repressing and I am not repressing. We can both feel relaxed and free about it.
Very possibly this acceptance and relaxed way, takes the sting out. (while when someone says: "don't look behind you!", makes it near impossible not to).

(I'm getting quite ahead of my reading by asking my question now; I'm only on page three of all you have written. (It was back in May of this year that you pointed me towards these posts. It's taken me until now to be ready to read them through. I am so grateful that I waited, as I have learned so much and gone through so much between then and now that I am able to gain so much more as I read these posts.))

That said, it's a real pressing question in my home right now. While I continue to affirm that I am fully accepting of my husband as being gay, my husband himself can not, at this time, see how not being loved by a man is anything but repression. He feels he needs to have it spelled for him: how can he be a homosexual male with a core desire to be loved by a man, and still choose his wife, this need and desire forever unrequited. He can't see how this is not a life that requires repressing his identity.

I can give more context if needed. Please ask.

Meantime, I will go back to where I was in the story.

Dutchman, thank you for your kindness in your reply. I have been able to receive small glimmers of hope through all of this uncertainty, and your response to my post is among those glimmers. I especially appreciate your sentiments of thinking independently and being willing to forge the path that is right for only us, together. It will be a real challenge to find a community that will support what *we* want, regardless of how it appears to others. Thank you for voicing this concern -- I intuited its existence, but I'm not experienced enough to say it with confidence.

We have a precious few family members and friends who know and are supporting us on this journey. We have faced this boxing in first hand with a few of our family. Those whose primary support is of my husband can not conceive of a future for him with me. He's gay. He obviously can't stay married to you. (They have not said this overtly, but their expressions of support absolutely convey this message.) Pressures are everywhere. Questions and second-guessers are vocal. I even at times wonder if he will find full acceptance in the LGBTQ2S+ community while he remains with me; he already feels like a freak enough on his own, because of his own self-accusing voice. He doesn't need more boxing in, exclusion,  or judgement -- much the opposite.

I think it's true that so many people who have needed to walk this path have arrived here by means of very serious manipulation, violence, harm, trauma, and heartache. The stories are heart-rending, and I've debated whether I even have a voice here. He has not been unfaithful to me; he has not, up to now, been badly harmed by anyone, (He does have harmful theology to unravel and his spiritual pain is very profound.) But he didn't spend years living a double life, or lying to me. The trauma inflicted on me was his coming out. Nothing more, nothing less.

His own trauma is the result of years of repression which developed into self-hate and layers and layers of

You have no idea how grateful I am for these comments. I am straight, and my husband revealed to me just four months ago that he is gay. We married in 2001. We are doing everything we can to remain together and to maintain our faithfulness. He has a long, long way to go with self-acceptance. He only recently accepted his own identity, last fall. So we are in early days. The hurt and pain he has suffered by needing to maintain the life of a square peg jammed into a circular hole runs deep and wide, is full of deep seated shame, and is going to take years to heal and overcome. Thank you TangledOil, CMaree23, and HappyMOM - I want to be able to still say in another 20 years that we are happily together and supporting one another and continuing to flourish under the care and love of the other. Knowing there is no shame to want this is heartening.