OutofHisCloset wrote:

Mirky,
 I am old enough to remember the events on which that film you watched was made!  The male tennis player was Bobby Riggs, and the woman who discovers she's a lesbian was (is) Billie Jean King.  Chris Evert (her married name was Lloyd) was an up and coming young player at the time.  I think we can all sympathize with the surprise of aspects of films or tv shows setting you off in new ways.  

Yeah, I got the name wrong, lol...  and right after watching it.  This movie was like a punch right in the face, though - but it was good and was fair to both sides, I think, though I certainly felt more sympathy for her poor husband - it just felt so like my own situation, even if it wasn't, exactly.

Kel,
Funny, I actually did learn to ride a motorcycle this last summer.  I can't wait to get back on it, but that ain't happening in the frozen wasteland I live in now.  I am trying to do things I like, and having trouble coming up with things, time and money to do them.  I'm trying though.  After 16 years, it's hard to not be reminded of her, almost no matter what I do.  For instance - I started a new job recently and I have to make a delivery to the town where she went to college every day.  Blurg.  

You're right though - and I've not been single much, and have dated less...  but I'll have to figure it all out.  I do love her, beyond my control, but I also don't want her back.  The thought fills me with dread at this point - and it's annoying.  I probably do need to get some counceling, but cannot currently afford it.  If I get my finances in order, I will attempt to get somebody.

I didn't really mean to make this about me though - I was just trying to show some support to the Count, but thank you.

I can only speak from my own experience and time, and we do not have any children together, so my situation is not identical, fortunately for me...  however, I found myself these last couple nights, alone in my cold bed, thinking about her and dealing with the cognitive dissonance that comes from being in love with someone and realizing that that person is the one that put me in this situation.  She is not worthy of my love, but love is not logical.  I spent aroud 16 years with one woman and trusted her completely.  She taught me a lesson about giving out trust, which may be useful to me and may limit me in future relationships.  Hard to say.  It is easier now, though the winter is not helping...  as it is lonely by nature.  I meet other women and sometimes pine for them, but I know I'm not ready yet.  A new relationship now would be a band-aid, I'm certain.  
Just rambling a bit here, but I watched the film "Battle of the Sexes" last night...  **spoiler alert**  in which Chris Everet Loyd, the tennis star, plays a game with a man that says any man can beat any woman, however, there is a large side plot where she falls for her hairdresser, another woman.  Her husband stays supportive and she keeps up the marriage for a long time, as back then, it probably would have destroyed her to come out.  Every scene, when I saw her husband, tears would run down my face.
I think it is better now that if someone is gay, they have every opportunity to not subject someone else to their need for homosexual love after fooling them into thinking that you are going to be together forever.  Would have been nice if it happened sooner.
Try to find things that you have fun doing and try not to think about her...  it will not work.  It may never work, but sometimes with happiness, you can fake it until you make it.  Good luck.
 

I'm doing alright.  I bought a motorcycle and did a lot of "air therapy" over the summer.  Changed my diet and lost a lot of weight.  Met a few straight girls and had fun with them, though I've been clear that I'm not ready for a real relationship yet.  I'm working on getting all traces of her out of my living space, though it can still be hard when I go through things and old memories are stirred up.  Dissolution is moving forward, and I'm ready for it to happen now.  I have little contact with her but when I do, it is usually limited and businesslike, which is probably for the best.  The worst part for me, of course, is that I still love her.  I still feel like she might be coming home at any time, or that she will be beside me when I wake up in the morning, or there to support me after a hard day at work.  Then I have to remind myself that I'm on my own...  why do I love someone that betrayed me and my trust so badly?  I do not want her back, but I do long for my life to be back the way it was before she fell in love with a woman...  it's gone, but I miss it.  I don't sit around crying anymore, so I'm glad on that, though I do occasionally succomb to bouts of mild depression.  I feel less resentment toward all things homosexual now, which had been an issue for me.  But yeah, things are getting better all the time.

Oh, almost forgot - my daughter is graduating from college soon and I'm very proud of her!

My story is like most here.  I was with a woman for 16 years, married the last 4 and she left me for a woman.

Politically, I am a very Progressive person and I have always thought everyone should have equal rights, and still do, not matter what a person's class, color, sexuality or religion is.  

The problem is, every time I see a lesbian couple, I can't help but see my former wife and her girlfriend reflected in them...  I guess the pain is still too close to the surface for me.  I can hardly stand to look at a lesbian couple now, and it makes me feel horribly guilty.  I'd never do or say anything to them, but I still feel like a big dick.

Is this a strange thing that I'm feeling, or somewhat common among our little "tribe"?

Anyone have any ideas for dealing with this?  Thanks, everyone.

I'm very sorry that you are going through this...  at least probably, unless your situation works out for you.

I was in a relationship with a woman that I knew to be bisexual and when she fell in love (or lust) with another woman, she suggested that we try polyamory.  The upside is that you get to have some threesomes and the down side is that you have to learn to deal with the hurt and jealousy of knowing that your supposed love is out giving that love to someone else and not you.  You say you're not very jealous, and I'm not either, but I didn't understand how jealous I could feel when being left alone in my house over and over again, while my wife was out with her girlfriend.

The key word to polyamor success is "compersion", which is the act of learning to enjoy your loved one receiving love from someone/anyone else besides yourself.  This is supposed to be combined with you getting some new loving outside the marriage yourself.  There is a site very much like this one that helps people with lots of reading, support forums and advice.  You can try it out if you want...  here's a link to their message board, which was a step on my way to coming here..  http://www.polyamory.com/forum/ - If there's a problem with it being posted here, just let me know and I'll take the link out.  Along with compersion, there are some other "rules" and exceptions for when people have a "polyamory freak-out", which I think is the correct term, that many find very helpful on their way, but when your wife and the GF neither one want to have anything to do with any of that, like mine, then they won't do you much good.  You may find those successful polyamorists there that you were originally looking for.

There is also a near fable of a creature out there called a "unicorn" by the polyamory community.  This is when you and your partner find someone that is looking for just what you both have.  Someone willing to be just as in love with you as they are your spouse