OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Kel
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Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
I'll admit it - I'm befuddled by why we feel that our confused spouse is owed some phase of exploration when they come to us telling us that they may be bi-sexual, or gay. To me, it's no different that a straight husband coming to his straight wife and saying, "It turns out that I think I'd like to sleep with other women or I won't be fully satisfied." So what? We wouldn't feel that we "owe" it to them to let them do that, would we? We'd be like, "Well, then get used to not being completely fulfilled. Or go get what you want - but then you can't have me, too."
Who says that we owe our spouse the right to explore their sexual interests to the point where if they don't get what they want from us, they can go get it elsewhere? I mean, if my husband came to me and was like, "It turns out that I've always wanted to get with a female midget", I'd be like, "Interesting. Pass the peas." And then if he said, "But,.... I can't be fully satisfied without f*cking a midget!" I'd then be like, "Then you certainly did yourself a disservice by marrying me!", but I would NOT feel like I owed it to him to let him surf the internet for sexy midgets that he could potentially get with. So WHY do we feel that we need to let them explore if they are truly into something that will take them away from us? You committed to being faithful to me. If you want to not do that any longer, then you need to tell me - so that you can exit this relationship and go pursue what you want. Because you certainly won't have permission to do so within the marriage.
Is there some reason that saying that they want to explore sex with a same-sex partner makes us give them our blessing to cheat on us? Because I'm not seeing it. But then again, I don't see why cheating is tolerated as "just curiosity" or not being gay, either. I'm far from my straight spouse trial - I'm aware. But this was never something I ever would have considered with my ex. You want to be with others, then feel free to go do so. You'll be getting divorce papers ASAP.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Duped
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
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Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:15 pm)
- phoenix
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
I think in the midst of marriage we all had a hope that the "experimentation" would lead to them deciding that they didn't want that. We hoped that they would come back to us and we could forget about the whole episode and move on with our lives. That's my best answer Kel.
For the record, I never gave permission for experimentation, though the idea did cross my mind for about 5 minutes. 5 minutes..
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Kel
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
I think you're probably right on the money there, Phoenix. I think we are fearful of them exiting our lives, so we feel that if we let them learn they aren't gay, then at least they won't resent us for holding them back from finding out who they really are. And if they wind up deciding the are gay, then it was inevitable anyway. We're hoping to at least buy some time.
I guess I just find it insulting that they'd ever ask for such a thing within the commitment of a marriage. Offensive enough that the suggestion alone (or the acceptance of the offer) would tell me enough about my partner that I'd no longer feel like being with them. I do realize that for many of us, our self-confidence is so low at that point in time (most likely from the constant physical rejection) that we don't feel like we want to give up what we DO have for the lack of the things we don't. I can relate to that - I was there. But it's alllll driven by fear. If we didn't have the fear of what the future held based on our reaction, I doubt we'd ever feel benevolent enough to let our spouses cheat with our blessing.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (June 12, 2017 1:59 pm)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
I think there are two different psychological aspects at play here that impact our judgment and decision making.
1.) TGT - For some reason this wildcard or unexpected twist really clouds our judgment. I always like the times when we can say, "if they were cheating heterosexually would you be ok with it?" I think that is something all married people have already thought through, perhaps experienced through friends, seen on TV and movies, heard stories about, etc.. I think we all have pre-conceived notions of how we would react. But when the cheating or the desire to cheat is homosexual it changes the story and the sexuality become the bigger issue. Things get so confusing.. So we forget that we are totally not OK with them cheating on us and we focus on simply knowing whether or not they are gay.
2.) Control of the situation. With heterosexual cheating the fact is that if both parties agree the marriage can still be saved. We still have some control. In fact in a heterosexual cheating environment, most often the cheater wants to stay and the non-cheater has the decision making power. When TGT happens it takes away our control or influence. We now have to wrestle with the idea that there will most often be no way to save the marriage regardless of our desire.
How do we change this?? How do we equip ourselves and our future forum members to handle this better? I think the only way is to raise awareness so that the concept of a mixed orientation marriage becomes more widely considered.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Mirky
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
My situation is slightly different only because she had told me from the start that she was bisexual and had more than once seemed attracted to women. I think I would have been fine if she had wanted to have a sexual encounter with a prostitute or something, but lesbianism seems to usually involves a deep emotional attachment that is more important than the physical part. Not to say that that couldn't happen with men as well, but I find it pretty common with all the lesbians I've ever met.
I'm not sure how common this is, but at a certain point in my roller coaster ride, sex became frequent and obviously a replacement for having any real feeling toward me. She could see my sadness, anger and hurt and used it as a way to comfort me. A am a fairly typical man, so it usually worked, at least for a while. Then, at a certain point, it started making me feel worse after. I think because I realized that this was what was going on.
She did say she was a lesbian now, however I'm not sure I believe that. I think she fell in love with someone else and did what it took to be with them. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if, some time down the road, she leaves her current GF for another man. Possibly a woman as well. Neither would surprise me.
After all the dust had cleared, I missed the loss of the person I had trusted to be my best friend and confidant much more than our sex life. I mean, for most people, if you want sex badly enough, there is a way to get that. Finding someone you can trust with your brain is much more difficult... especially when you have been screwed over by that person before.
- Kel
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
phoenix wrote:
How do we equip ourselves and our future forum members to handle this better? I think the only way is to raise awareness so that the concept of a mixed orientation marriage becomes more widely considered.
What do you mean by the concept of a MOM being more widely considered? You mean more socially acceptable?
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
How do we equip ourselves and our future forum members to handle this better? I think the only way is to raise awareness so that the concept of a mixed orientation marriage becomes more widely considered.
What do you mean by the concept of a MOM being more widely considered? You mean more socially acceptable?
Kel
No.. quite the opposite. I don't want it to be socially acceptable. I want the the public to be more aware of the fact that so many GID people use str8 men and women as beards. I want there to be an expectation of a negative social outcry when a person leaves their spouse for a same sex partner..
If some celebrity came out as gay and divorced their wife and the media and social media ripped them apart for being a selfish liar I think that would be a step in the right direction to protect us.
In short.. I don't want what happened to us to keep happening in the future. One of the ways to curb this trend is to have more awareness of this problem and an expectation of a negative response toward the offender when it does happen.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Kel
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
For a moment I thought you meant that there needed to be more awareness that a MOM might work if you're in that situation. And I think that most people do know about that possibility - even if they don't know it has a formal name. They do consider the possibility of working the marriage out with alternative boundaries - even if they reject the idea immediately, like I did.
I'm in total agreement with your statement. I wish that people coming out and leaving their partner for another had a negative stigma - whether they are straight or gay or some variation of those. I remember hearing "Good for him" when I have told individuals that my marriage broke up due to him being gay. As if my ex coming to terms with his sexuality was a brave thing that deserved support. You are TALKING to the person who is the loser in this scenario - the one who was lied to for a decade and a half, who was told that there is no problem - the person whose self-confidence suffered because they couldn't get their partner interested in them. And you say, "Good for him"??? How about "How awful - that must have been really difficult."? I have had several people say that to me, too. But I do NOT understand how there is this "Yay,... GAY!" thing going on in society right now. They can have all the same rights as us - fine. Just STOP deceiving straight spouses and then getting kudos for being so brave as to come out. Especially since they don't usually come out at all - but rather, are forced out when we decide to leave the relationship.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Why do we feel the need to let them "explore" their sexuality???
We are in agreement Kel.. for sure.
To avoid those who might think this discussion has become "anti-LGBT":
I do want to clarify that I am supportive of someone "coming out". I fully support a person living an authentic lifestyle. I do agree that it takes courage and that should be respected. PROVIDED that person has not negatively impacted another person(s) by hiding their sexuality and will now further harm their life by leaving them. I have no respect for a person who hijacks another person's life for self benefit. These people need to be called out for what they truly are.. selfish and hurtful.
When these newstories hit the headlines, the media needs to react negatively toward the liar and show concern and remorse for the poor str8 spouse left behind. This is NOT happening today. Instead, the LGBT person is applauded and congratulated and the spouse is embarresed, forgotten, ignored. There is nothing quite like being a victim of a crime and having he criminal praised and the victim ignored.. way to go society!.. doing a bang-up-job on this one.
Last edited by phoenix (June 13, 2017 1:25 pm)
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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