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Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » October 8, 2021 4:41 pm

WF2020
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I realize this is not an acceptable relationship to me and I’ve been working to get out of it for over year. This has included retaining an attorney (he has done the same), lots of legal bs back and fourth (mostly him trying to paint himself as the victim), and a failed mediation. I feel so trapped. Realizing I’ve been married to a man with a secret closet for almost 14 years is a lot to deal with, and now he seems to be dragging it out and I feel even more trapped. He even said recently “you don’t just get to decide you’re done with your husband.” That’s kind of how marriage works, and he’s been doing his own thing for years, it’s time I had a chance to live my life. Meanwhile he’s spending a great deal of time with a male friend and I NEVER would have thought they were anything more than hunting friends. Now I’m honestly not so sure, it doesn’t matter but why won’t he just move on? Is he scared to be without a beard? I really don’t care if he’s gay/bi I wish he’d just decide to live an honest life, but ultimatley that is up to him. I just want out, desperatley.  It seems like recently the puzzle pieces of my life fell into place realizing he is gay. Especially the mood swings if he couln't meet a "friend", the constant talking to male "friends", seems like it was right infront of my face and I didn't see it. The way he would almost frantically have to get out of the house, and away from me. The lies and he was spending time with a male "friend". When we started the seperation process and I couldn't trust him I stopped having sex with him, that was 18 months ago. Wouldn't a cheater hetero be off with another chick by now? He still wears his wedding ring. He has really no femenine qualities, like steriotypical gay (and he always "couldn't stand men like that). It feels almost unreal. How much therapy is going to be required after this? He sadly will likely deny until he dies.

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » June 13, 2021 1:34 pm

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Did any of you have spouses with long time “friends” that may have been more than friends? My stbx has had a same sex friend for as long as I’ve known him. This guy was our third wheel as newlyweds. He would spend long weekends at our house, come on vacations with us. He eventually got married himself and she and my husband hated each other. They enjoy going off alone together. My stbx hangs out late at night in the garage talking to him for hours at the time. I overheard mine bashing me to him, and them laughing. They are outdoors men and go off to remote places to hunt and have for years. This guys wife told me she thought they were gay, then later said she was only kidding. She even left him at one point.
My stbx is a serial cheater, he’s had multiple affairs with women but this same sex question is throwing me for a loop.
Is that “normal” behavior or abnormal male behavior?
I know I shouldn’t waste too much time on this since  we are separating anyway. Just curious if any of those things seem odd.

Thanks!

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » May 15, 2021 7:09 pm

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Soaplife,thank you. When I asked him about other men he threatened to make my life hell through the legal system. And that he wanted to know who was saying that bc he would take them down. I mean if there is nothing out there then why the big reaction?!
I then really got scared. I’m still scared about what legal abuse is going to come now. I told him I wouldn’t bring any of that up, I just wanted a clean break.

Gloria, thank you. I never thought  my husband was a cheater now the prospect of one that has cheated with both is just a really unexpected place to be in life. I

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » May 14, 2021 10:43 pm

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I had these suspicions in my own vault. I also felt bad for him. I have to admit that has changed. I am ashamed to say I brought up the suspicions in a heated exchange.  I then quickly tried to bring up a female cheating partners, but it was too late. He was furious. I’m now terrified about legal abuse tactics and the potential fallout. I feel like such an idiot for letting my emotions get out of control. I’m really just upset with myself.

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » April 29, 2021 10:18 am

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Blue Bear, you're the reality check, that I needed. Thank you.  The questions are answers, in that there are so many that they sort of answer themselves. If that even makes sense.  I'm confused because it's by his design.  He seems to have had affairs with both men and women, if I'm being honest. It is baffling because I never considered his sexuality to be in question.  I'm dismayed that he would have exposed his unborn children to a multitude of diseases. That seems abusive. I'm so exhausted that its hard to function. I think this must be why his mother's health is the way it is. So what am I going to do? I am going to cut my losses and formally divorce. This is a nightmare not a marriage. 

Become your own best friend and remember to treat yourself that way, at all times. --thank you! 


 

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » April 26, 2021 10:10 pm

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The gaslighting and manipulation tactics, they are so toxic.  

I cannot tell you all how grateful to all that responded and validated my concerns.  When I read these responses and other stories there are more common threads than even I can fully comprehend. I have so many question yet I cannot even formulate them yet. 

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » April 24, 2021 5:17 pm

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MyExodus, thank you, you give me hope for the future.  I know that my husband is a habitual liar, and I cannot put myself in a position of emotional vulnerability with him again.  For self preservation I have to move on.  It is scary to think about rebuilding a new life, but its scarier to think of what my life would be like if I stayed.

Longwayhome, thank you for the link. It is wise to have an exit plan in place just in case.  It still feels so outlandish to even think he may have been doing this, but it also helps me to really let go. 

OutofHisCloset, he is a cheater based on all I've gathered and put together. Thank you for the Chump Lady recommendation, I actually have her book on audible and listened to it several times.  The part about a "non-starter" was helpful, since there was so many secrets and lack of transparency. I still fall into the trap of trying to figure out all that has happened and I know it's impossible. 
 

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » April 24, 2021 10:01 am

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Daryl, that makes so much sense that an in-denial spouse becomes so vicious if they feel their closet is being torn down. He has filed some really harsh, slanderous legal paperwork and he said it was due to him needing a defense. It is just that it doesn't seem that the average heterosexual cheater is so fiercely protective over their secrets. I will tread lightly moving forward. 

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » April 23, 2021 11:52 pm

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Soaplife, you are correct, it is not acceptable and that is what it important. It is hard to wrap my brain around all of this. I tend to look for the best in people, and in doing so I missed a lot of glaringly obvious signs. I am scared the opportunities to see the whole truth are gone. I had two great opportunities and I just really didn't know what I was seeing.  I know that sounds so crazy, but I just was thinking he was "in love" with his co-worker, not having random hookups with women and certainly not men. I remember he said  so now you know, and I said I don't know anything.  It was honest because I really didn't and I still don't. I love Psalms and it got me through the initial shock of d-day #1, thank you for the recommendation I should look back now. You are also correct in that many people come to us in many ways, this has also happened to me. Some have exited and others entered, that is a miracle to be thankful for. Thank you.

MJM017, everything you say is 100% accurate. Thank you, it is abusive and not healthy. I also appreciate your honesty.

Is He/She Gay » So confused by all the secrets.. » April 23, 2021 8:06 pm

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Thank you both for reading my post and responding. I have looked at this though so many different lenses, and I cannot make sense or it all. I made a comment about him always being so close with other women, and he said that would make him gay.  I said, well are you? He flipped. I have never understood his extreme homophobia, as I have different viewpoints than he does.  It makes me sad to think he would hide this and go to the extremes he does.  

He told me he and his friend made a mistake going into a gay nightclub once, because his friend was drunk. That could have been a sign.
Then I recall a lady (over 15 years ago) coming into my work and telling me about her gay husband and her discovery of gay porn on his computer. I've thought so much about that lady and wondered if she was trying to tell me something.
Also, men don't joke about another men making them "hard", right? 
I swimming in denial. 

I've taken so much at face value. Believing what is comfortable and what he tells me,  that I really don't know the truth. I am standing on quicksand. I just can't help but think that most cheating heterosexual men aren't this secretive, and at the point our relationship has eroded to most abandon ship for the next lady friend. Mine is riding on this sinking ship. And sadly I still love him and even feel so much sadness for him feeling like he needs to live this way. 

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