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April 23, 2021 4:47 pm  #1

So confused by all the secrets..

I am here and not sure if this is the right place for me. I believe my husband to be a cheater, I just initially believed he cheated with women.  However, he is so super secretive and I can't make sense of it all. I found out he spends a lot of time in parking lots, and rest stops. This could be job related but it seemed excessive and I learned about this being a potential hook up.  I also toyed with the idea of drugs, do to locations.  He enjoys spending time at a hunting club that is in a very remote location and he is here with other men so frequently. I do not know these men and he has lied about the location before, making it very unclear where exactly he is. He also was frequently (prior to covid) going to dinners with a male co-worker. Again, I thought it must be a cover to see a woman, all I know for sure is that he did actually meet this other middle aged man and have hotel drinks and dinner with him. Seems a bit date-ish to me. I also looked though old phone records and found tons of communication between another male co-worker. Then he flipped to lots of communication with female co-workers. Then I accused him of cheating with a female co-worker and took his phone.  He had so many apps, I was so confused.  It's all like a trauma response at this point, I just don't know.  I also found old texts from a man that sounded sexual in nature and another that had a term I looked up in urban dictionary that indicated anal penetration. That could be a typo? He has phones, laptop, ipad locked up like a vault. I cannot go into his vehicle at all. I've found several secret phones and sim cards. He has lots of "work trips", lots of unaccounted for time. Some work trips that just don't make sense.  He does talk on the phone at night and does so in a room far away from me.  He is so homophobic that I've wondered if that is a sign.  I'm wondering if he has flings or relationships with men and women. Could flings be with men and more long term affairs with women? Does anyone have any insight. We've been together for nearly 20 years and have children. The behaviors have changed a good bit over the years. He is just so fiercely protective over his secrets, I just find it hard to believe he would care so much if it were heterosexual affairs. He's an outdoorsman type, heavy drinker, lots of anger and driven for outward success.


April 23, 2021 5:35 pm  #2

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

The red flags here are many. All these secretive behaviours suggest he is definitely hiding things. More importantly, what do you think?

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

April 23, 2021 7:25 pm  #3

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

If this were a game and I needed to make a bet on is he gay or not I would be betting on gay every day of the week.

But it isn't a game, this is your life and I think you are approaching potentially dangerous waters.  Angry driven secretive, highly homophobic - my suggestion is that you do not confront him over being gay.  If you want to show upset about affairs with women that's one thing, just don't mention the gay thing.  Try to stay on an even keel as much as you can.

Might be worth going to the doctor for a check up.

wishing you all the best, Lily 

Last edited by lily (April 23, 2021 7:26 pm)


April 23, 2021 8:06 pm  #4

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Thank you both for reading my post and responding. I have looked at this though so many different lenses, and I cannot make sense or it all. I made a comment about him always being so close with other women, and he said that would make him gay.  I said, well are you? He flipped. I have never understood his extreme homophobia, as I have different viewpoints than he does.  It makes me sad to think he would hide this and go to the extremes he does.  

He told me he and his friend made a mistake going into a gay nightclub once, because his friend was drunk. That could have been a sign.
Then I recall a lady (over 15 years ago) coming into my work and telling me about her gay husband and her discovery of gay porn on his computer. I've thought so much about that lady and wondered if she was trying to tell me something.
Also, men don't joke about another men making them "hard", right? 
I swimming in denial. 

I've taken so much at face value. Believing what is comfortable and what he tells me,  that I really don't know the truth. I am standing on quicksand. I just can't help but think that most cheating heterosexual men aren't this secretive, and at the point our relationship has eroded to most abandon ship for the next lady friend. Mine is riding on this sinking ship. And sadly I still love him and even feel so much sadness for him feeling like he needs to live this way. 

     Thread Starter

April 23, 2021 9:54 pm  #5

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

WF2020, going by what you have written like all of us you don't want to know what you know. We have all been there and I'm so very sorry you are going through this.  Its a horrible time, the coming to accept the truth before your eyes.

I have one question. Is his behaviour acceptable to you? This should be the only question you are considering. That question was the 4x2 whack that got me started out of my 25 year abusive marriage to a closeted gay man.

Your husband's behaviour is classic of all cheaters, gay or straight.  He stays because he is still getting some advantage from the marriage. A beard, a housekeeper, financial benefit (cheating is expensive), centrality, drama ... you letting it be all about him is working well for him - and he continues to lie to you.

You provide a stable home, cooking, cleaning, laundry, your love, worrying and sad about his inner turmoil  while he ... hooks up all over the country.  Pretty good deal for one of you.

Time to start worrying more about your future and less about his. Sounds like he has no intention of changing. Even if he did do you want to be the marriage police monitoring his behaviour?

He is a grown adult making the daily decision to treat you and your marriage with incredible disrespect.

Time to quietly get a lawyer and see what a divorce might look like for you. Start planning your exit but be careful and don't discuss it with him.  He sounds like he could easily turn dangerous on you.

Stay strong. Be careful. Look after yourself. I know how hard it is to take yourself back, but you can.


April 23, 2021 10:17 pm  #6

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

... and WF2020, (this might sound a little weird but I'm going to say it anyway 🙂) if you pray, then pray. A lot.  And then keep your eyes open and USE the windows of opportunity that open for you. You will find strength and smarts you didn't know you had. Opportunities will arise and some obstacles will disappear, People will turn up to help and support in your darkest and scaredest times. That was my experience anyway. Psalm 91 was my mantra and my shield during that ghastly time. Ghastly yet lit with peculiar little miracles that kept me going forward. My heart goes out to you.

Last edited by Soaplife (April 23, 2021 10:20 pm)


April 23, 2021 11:11 pm  #7

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Hello WF2020,

Am very sorry you find yourself here. That secret, separate life he’s keeping is abusive to you. What a heartless thing to do.

I don’t know how else to say this - men have anonymous hookups in parking lots and rest stops with other men.  Who doesn’t know what a gay club is, drunk or sober?   Men do not joke about another man causing them to have an erection.  He’s telling the truth and taunting you at the same time.

This is not the stuff that dreams are made of. Am sorry & hope you can sort out your feelings.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

April 23, 2021 11:52 pm  #8

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Soaplife, you are correct, it is not acceptable and that is what it important. It is hard to wrap my brain around all of this. I tend to look for the best in people, and in doing so I missed a lot of glaringly obvious signs. I am scared the opportunities to see the whole truth are gone. I had two great opportunities and I just really didn't know what I was seeing.  I know that sounds so crazy, but I just was thinking he was "in love" with his co-worker, not having random hookups with women and certainly not men. I remember he said  so now you know, and I said I don't know anything.  It was honest because I really didn't and I still don't. I love Psalms and it got me through the initial shock of d-day #1, thank you for the recommendation I should look back now. You are also correct in that many people come to us in many ways, this has also happened to me. Some have exited and others entered, that is a miracle to be thankful for. Thank you.

MJM017, everything you say is 100% accurate. Thank you, it is abusive and not healthy. I also appreciate your honesty.

     Thread Starter

April 24, 2021 12:03 am  #9

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

WF2020, and those conversations were opportunities to realise and accept you will never get the whole truth. That bi, straight or gay, he's a lying cheater treating you like dirt and isnt going to change. Valuable information to have going forward.  Another psalm that gave me strength is 149, particularly this bit:

"Let the high praises of God be in their mouth, and a two-edged sword in their hand;
To execute vengeance upon the heathen, and punishments upon the people;
To bind their kings with chains, and their nobles with fetters of iron;
To execute upon them the judgment written: this honour have all his saints. Praise ye the Lord."

Strength to your arm as you make your decisions.


April 24, 2021 9:42 am  #10

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

I think you should look into counseling, you may find it helpful in breaking down your inner turmoil. As Lily said, plan carefully. Drunk and angry is a bad combination in any relationship. Some of us have discovered an in-denial spouse to become unrecognizably vicious once they feel their closet is being torn down.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

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