When there is love like this, you really can get through just about anything! If he’s had sex with men you should probably request STD tests...several big STDs can be transmitted even through oral or touch. I’m dealing with a level of infidelity as well. My husband has given me full access to his phone, downloaded life 360, shows me call/text exchanges when going to lunch so I know that’s who he’s actually meeting (he’s VP of a company so business lunches have to happen), and is also working with our therapist on techniques to make me feel safe and earn his trust back. It didn’t happen immediately but as I mentioned before, there were a few whirlwind months of pain and tears (you can see this in some of my previous posts)...but talking it out and therapy have gotten us to both open up and connect more than we have in 3-4 years! This secret he felt he had to withhold from me did a lot of damage. I’ve made it clear that his desire for men is not the issue (I knew him in highschool when he had a relationship with a boy then his feelings for men suddenly stopped and switched back to women...he’s Fluid like that), but his infidelity was the issue. He has viagra now, we’ve incorporated role play and I can honestly say we are both very much enjoying intimacy again, even though it’s an evolving discovery. We’ve started doing things like taking turns sharing memories of our love/life together, telling eachother how and why we love eachother, opening discussions about how we can get through this even if his desires for men get stronger or don’t fade this time. Some people may not understand it or even label it as codependency but WE know we are in love and soulmates and do not want to be apart at this point. The road ahead is of course a bit scarier now. I’m scared he’ll discover he prefers to be with a man...he says he can’t imagine ever choosing to lose me for that and that he’s scared he can’t be enough for me. So yes, it is very important

Susanne- yup, we’re in the same boat. Not sure how long I’ll last in this boat but time will tell!!

Bluebear- I’m not quite there yet but I see what you’re saying. My husband has committed to full disclosure and trying under my current terms for now. We are in that in between stage of navigating this issue vs our love. He knows my boundaries and I’m pretty adamant about them. So yes, when his therapist tells him to develop his own boundaries it pisses me off a little. Fine, develop your boundaries but just do it already! If he comes back telling me he needs a side relationship then I’m out. I think if he were acting more selfishly currently (he obviously has been in the past), then I’d be ready to walk. Instead, he’s unlocked his phone, downloaded life 360, talks fairly openly, is very into counseling together as well as separately and is careful to not just tell me what I want to hear. He seems ALMOST positive that he can and wants to recommit but recognizes his struggles...which is way more honest than anything he’s done in regards to this previously. I find myself looking at other Mixed Orientation Marriages and how they got through this. I do know my boundaries and worth though. I will not compromise my morals beyond my personal standards. It’s just this in between of reconnecting then thinking it can’t work that’s killing me. I don’t want to rush it but I don’t want it to drag on forever either.

- Epiphany

Hey guys. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I find myself focusing on therapy and MOM/MOR groups more so lately. We are both in counseling separately and plan to have a couples session next Wednesday. My therapist is actually a psychotherapist and has helped me stop my mind spiraling and intrusive thoughts. This is helping me get to a calmer, clearer and more patient spot. My husband’s therapist is a sex therapist. She is helping him acknowledge his patterns, including his bisexual pendulum and forcing him to picture life differently. This has been scary for me and I can tell he is scared to do it too but I know it’s necessary.

I can say this much. We are closer, more open, real and even intimate now...sometimes to the point that we have a hard time stopping (mostly on the weekends). At the same time there’s that huge cloud of same sex attraction hanging over us and can we make this work, incorporating it into our relationship or does he think his truth is in a different lifestyle. He still loves me and wants me and wants this family. I still love him and want the same. It is a very long process but things are in the open and we are moving forward with integrity, love and friendship. I’ve learned our stories are all so different. I think it’s hard not to insert your own experience into others here sometimes but at this point we are in a MOM with the intention of finding ourselves separately as well. If some of you are struggling and haven’t sought out therapy then I highly suggest you do ASAP. It keeps things calmer and clearer. Thanks for listening!

- Epiphany

I hope it’s ok to share this! If not the admin can delete. I found this article about coming out and it’s interesting to read because I see so many similarities in my husband. He is currently going to see a sex therapist to help figure himself out. He hates that he has these desires and that they are increasing. He believes he is bisexual still but the only problem is the length and strength that his pendulum has now swung towards men more so than women. He’s obviously struggled on and off throughout his whole life. Our first counselor said he’s just more sexually fluid and may need a poly relationship instead of monogamous. I can’t do that. Anyhow...as I read this article I kept asking if it seemed possible that he was GID rather than bisexual...which currently could be his truth but I can also say with %100 confidence that he has been much more into women for long periods in his life as well. I found the disassociation points the most interesting. My husband has a big heart and feels terrible for hurting me. We are on this journey of discovery together now (me with the help of a trauma counselor who doubles as our couples counselor along with his sex counselor). I can tell he’s scared and so am I. We love eachother very much and want to make this work. I guess first we need to find out his sexual orientation, lol. Bisexuality we can work with, Gay...not so much.
- Epiphany

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/closet-psychological-issues-being-and-coming-out

I’m faced with a similar situation. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years though and I just recently discovered he’s been unfaithful at different times over the years we’ve been married. He’s stopped everything and we are going to therapy now. Therapy might be a good idea for you too. Since my whole world has been turned upside down I’m seeing a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma, and we use her as a couples counselor as well. My husband is about to pick a sex therapist to help him find his truth. He says he’s bisexual but we haven’t been intimate in 3.5 years until just recently. So our dilemma is getting the bottom of that all, is it our connection, has his sexual orientation changed etc.,,which you may want to contemplate as well....sexual orientation CAN change over the course of someone’s life. Especially in bisexuals. My husband always enjoyed me/woman more the majority of his life (except in highschool he had strong urges and a boyfriend) but now all he fantasizes about and wants are men. We are now currently contemplating a threesome in the future..(but need to find our reconnection first) ...cause like you...I cannot picture being in a relationship where my husband gets to have sex with someone else. The first therapist we went to suggested I read a book called “The Ethical Slut”, we ordered it but I have t read it yet. It’s all about poly relationships and how you get to mold them the way you want, getting over jealousy etc...if you want to read it it could help. I’m currently not in a place where I want to though because my husband and I need to do a lot of couples work and he needs to figure out his current sexual orientation. In the end, you have to listen to your heart and soul, don’t force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right.

- Epiphany