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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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February 20, 2021 9:45 am  #1


Coming out Article

I hope it’s ok to share this! If not the admin can delete. I found this article about coming out and it’s interesting to read because I see so many similarities in my husband. He is currently going to see a sex therapist to help figure himself out. He hates that he has these desires and that they are increasing. He believes he is bisexual still but the only problem is the length and strength that his pendulum has now swung towards men more so than women. He’s obviously struggled on and off throughout his whole life. Our first counselor said he’s just more sexually fluid and may need a poly relationship instead of monogamous. I can’t do that. Anyhow...as I read this article I kept asking if it seemed possible that he was GID rather than bisexual...which currently could be his truth but I can also say with %100 confidence that he has been much more into women for long periods in his life as well. I found the disassociation points the most interesting. My husband has a big heart and feels terrible for hurting me. We are on this journey of discovery together now (me with the help of a trauma counselor who doubles as our couples counselor along with his sex counselor). I can tell he’s scared and so am I. We love eachother very much and want to make this work. I guess first we need to find out his sexual orientation, lol. Bisexuality we can work with, Gay...not so much.
- Epiphany

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/closet-psychological-issues-being-and-coming-out

 

February 20, 2021 1:50 pm  #2


Re: Coming out Article

Epiphany wrote:

,.........He believes he is bisexual still but the only problem is the length and strength that his pendulum has now swung towards men more so than women.

. Bisexuality we can work with, Gay...not so much.
- Epiphany

 

"He believes..." "His pendulum,..." Epiphany... What about your beliefs?
What about your pendulum? It seems to me like he's making you his counselor. That's not your job, your part in this is to figure out where you sit in the Mindfuck,... Your beliefs, your pendulum.

The longer my partner tried to persuade me to incorporate some form of his bisexual needs into our life the more I thought about how much I DID NOT WANT IT. I also came to the conclusion that whether he wanted a man OR a woman... He wanted them AS WELL AS me and I simply did not want that in my life.

Bisexual is just a softening of Gay, a lessening of how they our men see themselves in order to keep us happy and pliable.

Elle

Edited to add,... As for the link.... I'm over reading how my partner might deal with his gender 🙂

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 20, 2021 2:02 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 20, 2021 3:20 pm  #3


Re: Coming out Article

Intriguing read...especially the part about the "dissociation."  Thank you for posting. 

I can imagine how hard this is for you...and how stuck you must feel. 
Are you familiar with Joe Kort? He was a guest on one of the straight spouse podcasts...and he's written at least one book ("Is my husband bi, gay, or straight?") and several articles. I've not read the book...but I've come across a few articles he'd written...They're more geared toward the non-straight spouse...and helping them understand their identity....so I didn't find them very useful for me (personally)...But there was a woman who posted here a while back...I'm not sure if she is still active here. She and her husband did a counseling session with him (via Zoom)...and it must have been pretty effective because her husband came out as gay after their first session....Before, he was still clinging to the "bi" label. It may be something to look into.

Take care of yourself.

 

February 20, 2021 3:50 pm  #4


Re: Coming out Article

I do not know what GID means

 

February 20, 2021 3:54 pm  #5


Re: Coming out Article

Gloria wrote:

I do not know what GID means

Gay In Denial.

There's a sticky thread with a list of abbreviations in the General Discussion section near the top:
"Forum Jargon for Newbies".

I sure made use of it when I got here! There are a lot of abbreviations.

Last edited by SusanneH (February 20, 2021 3:59 pm)

 

February 20, 2021 6:44 pm  #6


Re: Coming out Article

Julian_Stone wrote:

....

I seem to recall that Joe Kort is gay. The woman you mention....whose husband came out as gay after only 1 zoom session....I wonder how  relieved she was, and did she ever think "if we hadn't gone to a gay counselor.....my husband may never have admitted/realised he was gay."
I also wonder was it the straight wife or the husband who initiated the appointment. Was it the gay man leaving it up to the wife to organise the counseling revelation, the coming out because he was terrified to do it himself? 

How pathetic these men are, and how brave the straights are to realise it's possibly the only way to get it out into the open....
It makes me angry and sad

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 21, 2021 7:20 am  #7


Re: Coming out Article

Thanks for sharing, it was an interesting read. On the flip side, I wish there were comparable types of articles written by professionals on the impacts these non-straight spouses have on their straight spouses and their children. 

Funny I haven't found any, or rather the ones I have found have been written by straight spouses, or a gay phychiatrist who experienced it themselves. There are studies out there that exist, its actually quiet surprising the number of them. However, the general public cannot access them, or if you can - there is a fee for every study you requesst. It's interesting to me that these professionals are not writting about their findings either.




 
 


 

Last edited by longwayhome (February 21, 2021 7:29 am)

 

February 21, 2021 2:52 pm  #8


Re: Coming out Article

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Julian_Stone wrote:

....

I seem to recall that Joe Kort is gay. The woman you mention....whose husband came out as gay after only 1 zoom session....I wonder how  relieved she was, and did she ever think "if we hadn't gone to a gay counselor.....my husband may never have admitted/realised he was gay."
I also wonder was it the straight wife or the husband who initiated the appointment. Was it the gay man leaving it up to the wife to organise the counseling revelation, the coming out because he was terrified to do it himself? 

How pathetic these men are, and how brave the straights are to realise it's possibly the only way to get it out into the open....
It makes me angry and sad

Elle
 

No doubt it was the straight one who made the appointment...Isn't it always the straight one who's endlessly Googling, Redditing, reading every relevant article and psychological study?
I did a quick search in this forum for "Kort", and found that it was actually two women who met with Dr. Kort and had the same result: Their husbands finally came out as gay. So maybe he is a "gay whisperer" of sorts. I'm sure these women were relieved to finally get the truth....so they could begin the healing process and get back to other interests that don't involve endlessly trying to figure out their husband's sexuality.
 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (February 21, 2021 2:53 pm)

 

February 21, 2021 4:25 pm  #9


Re: Coming out Article

I have just googled Joe Kort yes it looks like he's a gay whisperer.  good on him for that.  he has now written a book for women to identify is their husband gay I am not going to be reading it.  I find it interesting that when you read what he has to offer professionally and so on there is no mention of him being gay and yet if you persist in reading all the way down in wikipedia to personal life it says he has a male partner - he is clearly quite openly gay.  

The thing that strikes me about gay men is that they have this pink girly emotion in them that they are often hiding even when they're out they're still hiding their girly feelings and yet it is when they express those feelings that they are happiest.  So very happy to have Dr Joe, Gay Whisperer at work but when it comes to marital relationships I do not think he has any real understanding of what it is like to be straight.  I'd like to know what his stats are in liberating straight wives from marriage to a GID as opposed to further enmeshing them in it.

 

February 21, 2021 4:42 pm  #10


Re: Coming out Article

lily wrote:

 So very happy to have Dr Joe, Gay Whisperer at work but when it comes to marital relationships I do not think he has any real understanding of what it is like to be straight.  I'd like to know what his stats are in liberating straight wives from marriage to a GID as opposed to further enmeshing them in it.

Very true. I'd be interested in seeing those stats, too. I'm sure 99% of the couples meet with Dr. Kort (at the wife's insistence) to get help with making a MOM work...which is what he advertises as one of his specialities. Maybe he's so insufferable the GID spouse comes out just to avoid having another session!

 

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