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March 18, 2021 1:20 pm  #1

New to all this

Hello all,
 My husband came out to me on Feb 12,2021. I am completely lost on this journey. We have decided to stay together not just for the sake of our boys, but because we need each other now more than ever. I would love and accept any advice on this. He also states that he feels hes 60/40 bisexual with the 40 % being attracted to women. I really hope this makes sense, because for me right now its all sorts of jumbled. 

Last edited by TexasGirl (March 18, 2021 2:08 pm)


March 18, 2021 3:57 pm  #2

Re: New to all this

Hi!!! I think I just commented on your Facebook post about the Mixed Orientation Group there. There are some ladies here who are also on Discord and have been a huge support for me . My husband has been bisexual his whole life but states he’s about 80 for men 20 for women now. We hadn’t had sex in 3.5 years but since disclosure (there was online cheating so we have another layer to work through), we’ve been intimate at least 1-2 times per week. This situation we are in is different for each relationship. It will be up to you guys to move forward the way that best suits you. We have agreed to monogamy with role play in the bedroom, the ability to watch porn (I’m more interested in it than he is though), and opening up to planned threesome relationships down the road once our connection is rebuilt and trust if fully gained back. We have decided the same thing. We LOVE eachother and that can look different in these situations but if you have love at the core you WILL get through this. I suggest counseling...separate counseling and a couples counselor. My therapist is also our couples counselor and his therapist and mine have access to our information. This allows collaboration and full disclosure. They don’t share info that’s not necessary but it helps everyone to get on the same page...we will be doing a 4 way session in a few weeks after our vacation too. Take it slow though. You both need time to navigate and process but once you decide to choose eachother no matter what (and there are MOM’s where one spouse is gay and another straight...and they have great intimacy/sex still)...it’s not so hard. It really helps to see how many other people are doing this!!! Once you get connected to more and more people then you are able to get more ideas on how to navigate your own personal relationship. I agree, it’s part of the “worse” in marriage but getting through something like this together will only grow your love for eachother and connection!!!

- Epiphany


March 18, 2021 5:19 pm  #3

Re: New to all this

Hi from another Texas girl. 
My husband cheated with men the first 15+ years of our relationship, so we had to work through that first, too. ..He had been having sex with guys since his teens, yet there was no way I knew. We had sex twice a week in our 50’s & 60’s (got together when I was 50 & he was 52. My husband of 32 years had just passed away & he’d never been married.....so, I’d ‘always’ been married/monogamous & he’d never been & dated everyone!)  Getting through the shock of the cheating was hard. I was so overwhelmed, I was hardly concerned that it was men...cheating is cheating. It didn’t matter that was men...heck, there was NO emotional attachment, so I guess it made it easier. He only likes oral sex...not even hanging out with men. He never even went to lunch with any of them or knew their last names..Just met from online or in the porn video store -in the little back rooms..ughhh..
So, for the better part 😊. He decided to quit seeing men after I found out because he wants our marriage to work. Since he doesn’t want a relationship with a man, it’s (hopefully) going to be more fulfilling to keep our marriage & get back on track & happy again. We’re monogamous. He’d rather be open, but I’m strictly monogamous for many reasons, including religious. So, even though I love him dearly, I can’t give my blessings for him to essentially ‘cheat’ with my permission/approval. It’s not just a jealousy thing (there is that, too) for me, but it’s a core belief on the sanctity of marriage. I don’t judge anyone for having an open marriage or whatever they do. This is just how I have to live my life. He knows if havng sex with a man ever becomes more important than our marriage again, then he can do it...just without me, and neither of us wants that.
Oh, I’m also on FB & Discord, so see you there! There are a lot of friendly folks here & we’ve all been through similar but diferent situations & can share with you.


March 18, 2021 6:56 pm  #4

Re: New to all this

Thank yall! Its been hard knowing that he cheated on me, not just with another man, but that it happened in general. I have found a wonderful therapist that actually pointed me in this groups direction, that listens and reassures me that its not my fault. That it never was and never will be my fault. Hes told me that hes not interested in finding someone, or "hooking up" right now. Hes mentioned that he wants to make sure my needs are met, and that hes willing to do foreplay, but intercourse more than likely will not happen, not that it happened much anyway as it is. He wants to be put on prep medication just to be safe, for himself and for me. For me, if he does, then that is the realization that all this is real and true, and not a bad dream, and I'm not sure i can fully face it ( even though I know I need to ). I just want to make sure that he always knows that he is loved and always will be, no matter what comes out of all this. 

     Thread Starter

March 19, 2021 9:14 am  #5

Re: New to all this

When there is love like this, you really can get through just about anything! If he’s had sex with men you should probably request STD tests...several big STDs can be transmitted even through oral or touch. I’m dealing with a level of infidelity as well. My husband has given me full access to his phone, downloaded life 360, shows me call/text exchanges when going to lunch so I know that’s who he’s actually meeting (he’s VP of a company so business lunches have to happen), and is also working with our therapist on techniques to make me feel safe and earn his trust back. It didn’t happen immediately but as I mentioned before, there were a few whirlwind months of pain and tears (you can see this in some of my previous posts)...but talking it out and therapy have gotten us to both open up and connect more than we have in 3-4 years! This secret he felt he had to withhold from me did a lot of damage. I’ve made it clear that his desire for men is not the issue (I knew him in highschool when he had a relationship with a boy then his feelings for men suddenly stopped and switched back to women...he’s Fluid like that), but his infidelity was the issue. He has viagra now, we’ve incorporated role play and I can honestly say we are both very much enjoying intimacy again, even though it’s an evolving discovery. We’ve started doing things like taking turns sharing memories of our love/life together, telling eachother how and why we love eachother, opening discussions about how we can get through this even if his desires for men get stronger or don’t fade this time. Some people may not understand it or even label it as codependency but WE know we are in love and soulmates and do not want to be apart at this point. The road ahead is of course a bit scarier now. I’m scared he’ll discover he prefers to be with a man...he says he can’t imagine ever choosing to lose me for that and that he’s scared he can’t be enough for me. So yes, it is very important to express your love for eachother. One thing I’ve learned though...figure out what your boundaries are. I can’t deal with him having a side relationship, not even online right now and he knows that and understands the danger in it now. I’ve also told him...whatever he does, I get to do too. If he gets a cybersex relationship with someone then I do too...he quickly said he does not want that. He is still jealous at the thought of me being with anyone else and by putting that on the table he sees what I would have to go through if I allowed him to as well. I’ve also said “if you want to go be with a man, I’m not stopping you but I will sleep in a different room and we will probably need to move towards divorce”...he doesn’t want that. I e said I’m comfortable with planned threesomes down the road and when we are ready my therapist will connect us with another therapist who specializes in helping couples through things like that. So just make sure you take it slow and don’t agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Stay true to your own worth and morals!! It’s a journey but we are here to walk it with you!!

- Epiphany


March 22, 2021 11:26 am  #6

Re: New to all this

I don't even know where to begin....

My husband and I have been together for 20 years (married 15).  He's a big, masculine guy, in a bad boy kind of way.  Sex has always been an extremely important part of our relationship and our sex life has been amazing (similar interests and drives), which was wonderful as in both of our previous relationships it was not so.

Early on I would occasionally find internet searches, gay porn, gay dating site (hairybears or something like that).  I confronted him and got lame answers, "I was searching for XYZ and it just popped up."  Like everyone on here seemed to do initially, I let it go.  Time would go by and things would be great, then another round of internet "pop ups" would surface.  I'd let it go, or if I confronted him with it he denied everything and start getting mad that I was accusing him of being gay.  In the fall of 2019, I felt a nagging and looked at his email one day.  I saw that he had signed up for a gay dating site (gaymaturedaddies, and was looking at another site, gaytruckers).  I followed the link in his email to his account and aside from changing the birth month and day---year was right, and moving the next town over from ours, it was legit.  He hadn't signed up for full access which would require payment, but he could look and his profile was listed.  He listed himself as gay, no picture of himself at all.  I could see the profiles he had looked at.  All of the other typical dating site questions he left blank or chose the "Tell you later" option.  This bothered me so badly that internally I was a train wreck, felt sick to my stomach, you name it.  I sat on it and didn't tell him I knew, but every chance I could get on the computer without him home I was snooping.  I took pictures with my phone, emailed them to myself and printed them at work.  I actually went to see a psychologist twice without him knowing because I was so upset.  She looked at my evidence and deemed him gay or bi.  It didn't appear that he ever tried to message anyone, or couldn't on a free account, and I finally confronted him.  He denied everything and it was a stalemate.  The usual responses, "If I wanted to go that way why would I have married a woman?" etc.   Again, I let it go.  Things calmed down and then the pandemic hit and we were home together 24/7.  One day we starting playing a game where we would ask each other a question and most of them wound up sexual, which lead to a discussion about a threesome (which I would never do).  It evolved into a discussion about which gender the third would be.  He was open to either one, I said absolutely not with another woman.  The threesome conversation came up several times and once I was graphically describing that I would be watching and telling the third (a guy) what to do to my husband.  He was very into it and said he felt like this was something I really wanted to do, then offered to set it up and he was willing to do it FOR ME!  I didn't answer and he kept pressing, asking me if I wanted him to set it up to the point that I almost said yes just to see how far he would go!  The way he was acting I felt like he had a person on speed dial and could have it arranged for an hour later!  I started crying and felt sick to my stomach again.  He said, "It was your idea."  I told him that I never wanted to discuss it again and wouldn't want to see him with anyone.  Conversation kept coming back around to this general idea because I couldn't get it out of my head that he was so willing to do this "for me."  He noticed the theme and said to me that he felt like I wanted him to be bisexual!  I actually looked at him and said, "Where is the benefit for me if you were?"  It's not like if he were a prince or something with perks for me.  About all I got as far as validation, if you can could call it that, was him saying that it's hard enough to make a relationship work, so it you find someone you get along with than it doesn't matter if it's same sex or different.  We agreed not to talk about it anymore. 

Spring 2020, he tells me in bed on my birthday when we're getting romantic that he's bored sexually, which leads to a shitty birthday and me crying.  He says, "See, I knew I shouldn't have said anything!"  I told him it’s great to discuss things but the timing was all wrong!  This leads to him going on a buying spree of all sorts of toys, like stuff arriving almost daily.  It was too much too fast and I started feeling very uneasy sexually which caused performance issues for me, which upset him because I never had any issue previously, but I don’t think he made the connection.  He also started buying other stuff that left me questioning his orientation.  At one point I even asked him how he identified sexually.  His response was "same as I always have."   Of course I pursued it and asked "Which is?"  He said that although he's never had anything physical with a guy, he's open to it (if we weren't together), so he could be bisexual ("If you needed to put a label on it" was his quote).  He also said that since he's never been with a guy he considers himself hetero.  Apparently performance is the deciding factor in his mind.  This kind of opened up communication and he even showed me a folder of pictures on his phone.  All were men with the same physical type, built like him, in various stages of undress and poses (most flat out naked---playgirl stuff here).  He had been working out and weight lifting for about a year and he said these were images of the body type he was working towards achieving.  I can see having images to “inspire,” but pictures of naked men ready to perform?  Yeah, right, I’m not stupid. 

Fall 2020, I find another gay profile (bromodates) linked to his email.  Similar thing, change of birthdate and next town over, no picture.  This time I made a fake profile and basically stalked his profile checking often to see when he was online, which was a lot for an account that isn’t real…  Once I sent him a message saying "Hi handsome" and he responded with "I see you like bad boys don't ya!"   Now I'm pissed off and confront him flat out.  He denies it's him, doesn't know who sent me the message.  Said the email with the account link is spam.  I say it's signed up to your account!  He wants me to show him.  I open his email and go to the profile and show him.  He says, "My birthday isn't_____, I don't live in ____."  I can only imagine what my face looked like because I snapped back with "That's the best defense you can come up with?!"  Then he started with why would he have had three long term relationships with women, been married to two of us, if he wanted a guy?  Am I really going to keep accusing him of this because he doesn't need it, etc   As I said, I was pissed so I made a profile on a free dating site one day to see what else might be out there.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, I know.  Anyway, the prospects were dismal, however one guy did message me.  We exchanged a couple message (about music mostly) and he sent me his picture.  Stupidly I kept it on my phone.  Of course a day or so later my husband picked up my phone and saw the picture.  I said that I had talked to him a couple times one day.  My husband became so upset, yelling and acting like I had slept with 1000 men, and how could I do this to him, yet still insisted that he hadn’t done anything when I brought up his profiles.  Things calmed down again.

Where we are today…..he has recently outright told me that if we ever broke up he would pursue a relationship with a guy.  He said that he loves me and has been very happy with our marriage and wouldn’t do anything to ruin it (cheat I guess?).  We have spiced things up to try and meet his needs (just the two of us---no threesome) but I fear that it isn’t going to be enough for him.  When I expressed my concern to him he said, “It’s going to have to be, right?”  He said that he isn’t going to do anything that I’m not ok with or that would end our marriage.  I asked him to tell me if he starts to feel like he needs more and he said, “Why, if I can’t do anything what’s the point?”  I said to remain open and communicate.  He then said, “Ok, I’m telling you, I need more, now what?”  I changed it and said, “What if I told you that I wanted to be with a girl, what would you do?”  He said he would ask me a bunch of questions and then take it from there.  He named some questions.  I said, “Ok, you’re happy with the answers I gave, now what?”  He said, he wouldn’t view it as competition, so he might be ok with it once, but he would never be in an on-going three way relationship, that's not what he wants.   I told him that being in a committed relationship there shouldn’t be anything intimate like that with ANYONE other than your partner and that I would view another man as competition, so to speak.  I told him that my jealousy and nosiness would drive me crazy if he went out for a night to go do whatever with some guy.  No way in hell.  He also said there is no way he could stand to see me with another guy.  I also told him that I was genuinely afraid that if he did do it that he’d want it more (kind of have his cake and eat it too), or decide that he wanted to go that way all together and we’d be done.  He seemed to understand and was sympathetic to what I said.  He repeated that he wouldn’t do anything that I wasn’t ok with or that might damage our marriage, but he added as he was walking away, “But it might be fun to try once before I’m dead.”

My husband can be very stubborn and determined if he sets his mind to something, so I’m trusting his word, but I really feel that he may want to act on it at some point.  He's said that being with a man isn't something he's "chomping at the bit" to do, but he likes the idea.  It's so confusing because I feel like it's hanging over me and I'm thinking about it all the time, when he's behaving perfectly normal (talking about home improvement projects, things we should do over the summer, etc).  

He asked me yesterday if the bisexual thing makes him less of a man in my eyes because real guys aren't supposed to want to do that.  I said it doesn't because he's probably the most manly man I know and there are many facets to being a man, not just sex.  He said the only reason he told me was because of the crazy threesome conversation we had.  I told him that if he had told me he was bisexual early on in dating that I don't know if I would have pursued a relationship with him, but given that we're 20 years in and things have been really good I'm not willing to throw it all away.  He said that being bisexual doesn't automatically mean someone is promiscuous, which I know.   He's been in three long-term relationships, all with women.  The first lasted 10 years, they were engaged and he ended it.  The second lasted 6 years and they were married, she left and then passed away prior to the divorce being finalized (so he's technically a widower).  I'm the third at twenty years, so he knows how to commit to women.  

Comments, advice??? Anything??? 


Last edited by Kitty150 (March 22, 2021 11:35 am)


March 22, 2021 1:56 pm  #7

Re: New to all this

He mentions that he wants to make sure your needs are met.  What are your needs if they do not include intercourse with your husband, fidelity, honesty and him being more attracted to men than women (e.g., you)?


March 23, 2021 11:33 am  #8

Re: New to all this

TexasGirl wrote:

Hes told me that hes not interested in finding someone, or "hooking up" right now. Hes mentioned that he wants to make sure my needs are met, and that hes willing to do foreplay, but intercourse more than likely will not happen, not that it happened much anyway as it is. He wants to be put on prep medication just to be safe, for himself and for me.

I'm all for finding a way for MOM's to work, but these often happen with communicative and honest partners.

This is abuse, Texas Girl.

He cheated. He's stating that he's not having sex with other men, but wants to be on prep (aka still cheating). He's openly stating not going to fulfill your needs. He's saying he's doing these actions "for you" and "for the kids". No, he's trying to keep his appearance of a happy family life together a bit longer.

All of this has you jumbled because you know he's manipulating you. He has unlimited upside from this, you lose most of the reasons people marry. Bullshit.


March 24, 2021 6:31 pm  #9

Re: New to all this


It’s a lot to deal with. I’m in similar shoes as you. I can tell you that my husband and I have incorporated role play and it’s been a game changer. It’s like the more you can be open and communicate, the closer you get as a couple and the desire for the chats etc...fades. If you are comfortable have a talk about it. Think about why it makes you uncomfortable, what fears you have and share it with him. If any of it turns you on, share that with him. Start slow and work your way up. Many of these relationships thrive once the desires are brought into the bedroom. You have to be ok and enjoy it though. Accept his bisexuality if you can but explain that you are not ok with the chats, sites etc...that’s infidelity. Now that he’s gone behind your back, you should have access to his phone, location etc.

Build trust first, then intimacy outside the bedroom, then intimacy in the bedroom. Start sending texts to eachother daily about memories, why you live each-other, dreams etc...

That’s what we’ve been doing...and going to counseling together and separately. We should’ve started years ago. It’s been a game changer. It can be uncomfortable and scary at first but once everything is in the open, your relationship can heal and be better than ever.

Good luck!
- Epiphany


December 24, 2023 10:14 am  #10

Re: New to all this

I have a question for SusanneH. If you feel comfortable answering that is.
You said "He decided to quit seeing men after I found out because he wants our marriage to work," But he's been having sex with men since his teens. If he's been doing this his whole life and that's who he is, how is he just going to stop? From my understanding hell just hide it better then he was. If he was bisexual he would have been cheating with men and women but its been men your whole relationship. If he's gay which at this point labels don't matter actions do but how is he going to change who he is and just stop?

Last edited by Shh0406 (December 24, 2023 10:17 am)


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