Lost Girl,

I'm so glad you found this forum. I wish I had when I first discovered my husband's secret. To know others were experiencing nearly the same story and that it does get better would have been so comforting. I kept his secret for 26 years. It's so destructive. Don't do it!

No one can tell you what you're husband's sexuality is in truth, but my own experience is that saying one is bi is just a way of avoiding the truth. My soon-to-be-ex husband is still not there yet and may never be. But trust your gut. It doesn't really matter is he's gay, bi, or straight. He's not living up to his wedding vows, and not the man you thought you married. I would suggest you leave his dilemma to him and focus on yourself. Are you going to feel loved and safe and cherished in this relationship? Counseling helped me enormously. I was so caught up in feeling sorry for him, worrying about his feelings, I was slowly dying. Once I declared that his behavior was unacceptable and that our marriage was over, the healing began. I've got a long way to go but I've moved beyond the stage of trying to understand him; I've moved past mourning the death of our marriage; I've started looking forward to the possibilities for the future with someone who loves me the way it should be.
I'm at a different stage than you are but have found so much help in these pages. I would also encourage you to get into counseling if you can. Tell someone you trust and get the hugs and support you need. Don't despair!

Daryl wrote:

Sam - if you can "sticky" posts like this it would be awesome!
"The Script" as a sticky would be another good one if anyone has a copy.

I'd like to read "the script". Is there a link.

My story.

I was 8 months pregnant and four years into my marriage when I found a notebook my husband had stuffed under the seat of my car. He was in AA and doing a 12-step study. The notebook was a catalogue of his fourth step - taking a fearless moral inventory. I didn't know what it was so I opened it and one the first page, #1 - homosexuality. #2 - broken vows.
That was that moment that you all know so well. When the picture of your life crumbles like the walls of a home in an earthquake. When you realize you're living with a stranger.

When I stopped being hysterical I walked in the house and told him to get out. For two days I wouldn't talk to him. When I did, he confessed to going to other towns to visit adult books stores for "anonymous oral sex." But claimed it was only when he felt bad about himself and that he thought that he'd been abused as a child but couldn't remember. This turned out to be a recurring theme and I don't believe it for a minute. I've found searches on his computer that lead me to believe he thought that would make me feel sorry for him and not think of him as gay.

I was not working and madly in love with my unborn child and ready to be a mom.  I could not bear to start over at that point and I believed him. He swore his love for me over and over and it was behind him and all the familiar refrains. And I bought it. But it was never the same.

Three years later in an absolutely miserable and sexless marriage, we had too much to drink one night, watched a romantic movie and created our second child. That was 24 years ago and one of the last times we were intimate. I threw myself into motherhood and loved every minute.  We moved to the country, he started a small business and I homeschooled the kids. I got my love and affection from my children and we didn't talk about the problem. Then one day I had an anonymous phone call telling me that my husband was "having an affair and everyone knew it." With my hairdresser, who was surprising

JkPeace,

I thought I was finished with the head spinning phase, but despite having eveidence, when he starts yelling "I'm not gay!" with such vehemence, I allow that little bit of doubt to creep back in. It amazes me, really. Like, I see black, he says white, and I start to wonder if my eyesight is going. But no, I do not have any doubts that he is gay. Only he seems to, although I suspect it's not doubt as much as it's denial.

The first time I learned of his sexuality "confusion" was four years into our marriage, 26 years ago (eight months pregnant with our first child, so I've had a long time to come to terms with this. That first time was like being hit by a Mack truck; the subsequent events were more like being run over by a golf cart - yep, he's still gay. This last time, it finally was too much. I filed for divorce months ago and endured the bitter anger, the lashing out, the threats, the dire predictions (you'll ruin us!) and for the most part we are beyond that. But every once in awhile, like when he has to give me money, or I remind him not to access pornography on our business computer, he blows up and I get sucked down the sewer pipes again.

This board and all of you have been a godsend. Your experiences with your children, telling others, dealing with the ex, are so helpful, but most of all, the reminder that I am important and it's time to focus on my healing and my future.

Had a blow up with husband tonight. I've been trying to avoid him as much as possible, staying at my mom's, but sometimes we cross paths.

Among the many topics we fought about was about telling the kids. He continues to deny that he is gay despite all the evidence and having admitted it in a previous marital crisis. He said, "Do not push me on this!" So I have decided to wait. I'll take the blame if I must.

My 27 year old daughter and I are going away for a week soon. I thought I might tell her then, but it may be best to just let it go and take care of myself. I have plenty of work to do to get this divorce moving forward.

I can't thank you enough for your support and for your replies. I can't believe how comforting it is to know I am not alone, although I wish none of us had suffered such a fate.