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- Lake Breeze
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Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation
Luduncolo,
Out of His Closet would know far better than me, but I was wondering along similar lines, i.e. if you could not get funded through your program. Many doctoral programs come with full funding. Campus jobs, program adviser, fellow students and faculty may all be able to help you in some way. Campuses have childcare, so that would be a help too.
I really doubt that living with the others would be any kind of solution at all; probably would make things even worse.
Just some ideas off the top of my head.
So sorry about your situation, I wish you the best of luck.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
- Ludoncolo
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Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation
Thanks Viki, Kel, Out of his closet and lake breeze... I appreciate you support...
I am an American citizen as of 2016. Thanks god I obtain my citizenship as soon as I legally could. They don't deport permanent legal residents with American children though. That's not a concern thankfully.
I could go back and work my old job again but I will not get into the doctorate program again... This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I will not devastate my life and go back to the job I don't want to do any longer. The only thing I might still have control over is not allowing anyone to destroy the only few things I have left and that depend on me and me alone. Today I realized nobody can take that from me and it gives me strength.
We are sorting out how the living situation is going to be. She now would like me to stay with her and her girlfriend, who reached out to me via text and told me she'd be happy to support me... I'm considering different solutions... The exercise Kel suggested to see what options wake me want to puke, works really well...
No, outofhiscloset, her parents don't have a clue about anything. They'd go crazy if they knew. My wife says telling them might precipitate the situation and they might ask her/us to leave sooner. I don't think that's necessarily true. They would probably be very concerned. They are conservative and completely against being gay, which they consider a choice, but I don't think they'd hate me and kick me out... I told my wife I don't want to hide my feelings though and I also don't want to lie on her behalf. Today my father-in-law walked in on me crying and I didn't say why... That's also not ok, but I will give her a time-frame... after that I will have to tell people myself for my self preservation.
I will tell my family as soon as possible though. I can't keep it all to myself. And I haven't done anything wrong... Why should I suffer more or lie or keep my feelings hidden?
Kal, I prefer not to disclose my job and other personal info.
Last edited by Ludoncolo (February 16, 2017 3:07 pm)
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation
Ludoncolo,
Please reach out to family, your church etc.. Do not go it alone.
It is demeaning...the girlfriend reaching out to you. Do whatever you need to do. know its not forever.
I will add this (note from TGT trenches): I would encourage you to divorce now when you are making no money. In my state a spouse need only look at you and say "I hate you and want a divorce"; they are then entitled by law to up to 50% of your money. I would hate to see you endure this, get a doctorate and a good paying job , then divorce her and have to pay her a large portion of your money you worked so hard to get. She is not entitled to that now now matter how you feel.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Kel
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Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation
It is enough to know that you had a job, but that it made you unhappy. Even after considering the different scenarios, you are able to conclude that you desperately want the doctorate and that you don't feel it would be best to pass the opportunity up. That's progress right there - to know what you want to cling to. And you're right - no one can take that from you. As much as outside circumstances can affect a person, you control where your focus and determination are.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- maresyd
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Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation
Ludoncolo, great that you became an american citizen; however if you have dual citizenship, you may qualify for other benefits at your University. Absolutely, contact your program advisor. I'm from Michigan, and University of Michigan has several programs for those in doctoral programs, including sponsored shared housing and work/study programs. This would give you the comaraderie and focus that you need for your studies, and some support, definitely being away from your wife and her girlfriend. As for your son, that makes it somewhat difficult but there are several options for families as well, if you had custody. I navigated to the U of M PhD program page, maybe you will find some helpful info in here and you could ask at your own university. Here are some links:
There are also other options for home sharing; often people are looking for housemates to just be at their home when they can't due to caregiving, work/travel schedules, etc.
If the office of financial aid won't help at the university, consider asking for social work support in the office of student affairs. Many times the social workers know much better resources.
Good luck and keep posting, you are not alone.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Ludoncolo
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Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation
Thanks Kel and Maresyd...
I am thankful that at least my wife has been reasonable so far... We are still trying to see what the best solution is for everyone or the least terrible at least... I am grateful that she is willing to invest the time to talk about options and there is dialogue... I just try to keep it real and positive and control my emotions and feelings... This is not about me doing therapy or bargaining, that's for therapy groups, my friends and family abroad and counselors... With her I keep it practical and I make sure our interactions don't become heavy or uncomfortable... It is very hard to do, but it's very very good to keep the doors open for dialogue, reason and for exploring options.
If there is anything I've learned from this nightmare so far is that maintaining a dialogue that allows to at least explore possibilities amicably.
I'll keep you posted...
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Thread Starter- KellyClark
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Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation
First, I am so sorry. And I'm angry at your wife for selfishly putting her needs before her son's and being heartless and selfish toward you. You will be happier in the future.
I agree with posts above - see your advisor first! He or she will have ideas you haven't considered, I'll bet.
Find out where you can get free legal advice; your advisor may help with this also.
Think about how strange and unhealthy it would be for you and your son (especially) to live in a a household with your wife, her lover, her lover's children....no way!
Be strong. Stand up for yourself and you son. You're smart enough to be in this PhD program, you can do this ❤