Hi Anon42, reading your posts I unfortunately already got this impression. Yet, I am sorry to hear that, I am sorry for you. Although I think you have made a lot of rational considerations in dealing with, and signifying what is best for you and your children, to move on. Not getting lost and buried in the staggering emotional rabbit hole you faced anymore. Good for you! Indeed, two people are needed to launch the fundamental necessities to contribute to another participation in the marriage where both feelings must be equally met and the openness to talk and be true to each other.
 
Personally, I think it is odd that someone does elect sexuality (making preference to the entire sexuality) as ‘I know what I feel, therefor I know myself’,  but is reluctant to consider the correlation to everything else that is important in their behavior, character and personality. Hiding behind : ‘I do not understand’….
Rejecting to consider this internal inconsistency.
Neglected to contemplate what that means regarding everything else they say they hold for valuable. Turning themselves into fragile people and all others into the unyielding and dominant opponent.
Shutting down a huge part of who one is, the focus mainly based on what is missed and how to control those “missing” feelings, instead of what they have and are. Decisively pondering on that vision. Feeding it, needing it….
A major error that confines to a life without having a choice, focal point is merely filling a requirement, leaving al other just and valid commitments and promises.
Mainly looking to one particular aspect and making that their authentic being and all-important aspect of who they are.
I am not even (yet) mentioning spouse or children, but things as self-worth, self-esteem, proud of yourself (and I don't mean vanity!!), happy and relaxed with and in your body, content and comfortable and responsible, loyalty, trust, conviction, values and principles … and all those things someone needs

Hi Anon42
I am so sorry it takes a little time to respond. The morning I saw your post, we were a few hours away from boarding a flight to the US where we will spend a month driving through some of the states and visiting some friends. I am writing a response though but I do not have wifi everywhere which I need for writing and translate. Thank you for your patience!
I wish you much strength during a very very difficult and heartbreaking episode in your life.
I hope to post soon!
Sam

Hi Nasturtium,
Again, sorry for having to wait such a long time for a reply, having some of our kids over… I hoped to have time during my nightshifts at work but that didn’t happen… But I hope my answer is beneficial to what you were looking for.
 
To begin with, I never asked my husband not to speak about my, and there for his problems. It never crossed my mind to ask that. Why should I?  I had a few close friends to speak about my feelings so why shouldn’t he be permitted to have the same as a straight. It is very important.
When you have a real wound, you go see a doctor or care to find assistance to dress the wound properly. And advise on how infection can be avoided, or pain can be reduced.
Well…this works the same, things sure need care, advise or healing. 
 
And lets say, even if I would have been ashamed about my sexual orientation and would not be to eager to reveal to much about my sexuality and private life that comes with that. I cannot expect my husband not to speak with someone. Whirl through turmoil all by himself having not only to cope with a wife who has a different sexuality. But also, his own sexuality that falls away, or even feelings being enough or being the, and a man, he expected to be.
That would not be fair would it. I do not have that right, which is solely beneficial to my feelings. An expectation or either my guilty or shame… but… Should he feel to be ashamed himself too??  Would his confusion and pain and even shame for not being enough for me not be as valid and reason to talk about with a close friend he feels comfortable with?
 
There is a lot to think about, to get objective advice or just an arm around a shoulder when you feel alone. Conformation needed on whether feelings are justified or not, without having to think you have to keep a brave face in consideration toward your spouse. Acknowledgement of your own feelings. Talking on what your perspectives were and are for your marriage without immediately having

Hello JV42
You distinguish several elements thrown together in a mix, blend in a muddle to walk through for view and approach. I think it is wise to emphasize the core line of my post is the feeling you describe of ‘being stuck’ somewhere in the relation. Not reducing of your spouse’s feelings to non-important-land. But things I have considered for myself.
 
I hope your wife finds a trustworthy account. For me it was a route of considering every single aspect, through essentially accepting the conclusions I drew from it as right for the way I wanted to live my life, and making it concrete, so following up on those conclusions...
Whether it makes a difference to know from an early age to have SSA feelings? My feelings became clear for me only much later in life married and having 4 kids and a whole landscape of troubles within myself not knowing why, but when I did, I was able to deduce explanations.
 
Reading your post, I do wonder what exactly your wife knew when she was young. Because at the same time you write there was still a lot that was vague until more recently. What exactly has become clear recently in comparison to when she was young? I gather that’s more then just accepting SSA.
And what made the obstruction disappear so that she now can name her feelings so firmly.
Does the downside from ‘coming to terms with her attractions now’ mean ‘growing unattractiveness towards’ you? If so, why?
How much time was in between her being young and now being married, and in awareness of her feelings now? What made her decide to get into a marriage with a man although being, like you describe, mindful of confusing feelings? What were her feelings towards you at that time?
 
Sorry for all the questions (I can think of a lot more but for now ;) but questions that matter to get some clarity. You don’t have to tell me! But to solve it, it’s essential to consider all. To get to a grip on things. Being honest and open to herself and, preferably, to you

Hi JV42,
First of all, like I tried to point out in my previous response to distinguish the difference, I was 16 when we met and 19 when we got married. Still very young and so much things I couldn’t comprehend to what I should have know about myself. My upbringing had build a wall that prevented I was able to learn my own emotional needs or sexuality. I think I didn’t really grew up in a sense. Never connected to what I liked and wanted. So to make a comparison to that time is hard. I wasn’t really aware of sexual feelings or what love was in those  days.
 
I think a lot of my options were related to a fear of not being able to find someone who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I used the wrong truths for myself to have a relationship, though I didn’t know nor understand the real reason for it.
No, there were no feelings of butterflies  flying around in my belly. I just acted to the best of my knowledge.
Before I met Dutchman there was a (shy) young man who was interested in me. Now that I think of it, I don’t think the response in my feelings towards him were any different.
But when dutchman came along he was forthcoming and had something adventurous about him that I liked very much. Besides that we had our faith and values on the same page. So many things were going for him.
I liked him and we bonded very well in most other aspects. Intimacy and cuddling was there and it felt safe and for me an honor that someone would even take interest in me like that. So it was exciting and playful, but it never hit a spot and lacked initiating intimate affection from my side. Still It never occurred to me that my sexuality was different.
I didn’t know any lesbians or what they were like, let alone that I myself would be one. It took years before that question even came across my mind.
 
We’re now 37 years into our marriage of which the last 17 of those years in awareness of why we had so much troubles during the first 20 years in the intimacy an