Hi all! I haven't posted for almost 2 years. I separated from my closeted gay husband almost 2 years ago, after a year of "trying to work on the marriage" after discovering his secret life in a traumatic way. And that was after years and years of his distance and dismissiveness in a 30 year marriage.  There were so many frightening psychological turns at the end that I needed a safe plan to tell him I wanted a divorce.

Now, I remain married, because it is a never-ending divorce.  My husband is using the court system as a weapon. My attorney says that in 30 years, he has never seen anything like it.  I have extraordinary debt just to defend myself from all the court documents and stuff. The case will be going to trial (because I'm on trial--it's DARVO and "all about her" for sure). There were times when he threatened to withhold financial support, and times when he did withhold financial support (teens still at home, me traditionally a SAHM).  He has hidden 80% of the retirement money and contests almost all other assets. He insists I should receive NO alimony at all. My two adult children are angry with me because they don't know everything and their dad makes it like I am the betrayer who just gave up and I'm hurting him and focusing on money, etc.  He sends me emails that are accusatory and full of lies and distortions, and then he builds and builds on these.  I am exhausted and terrified. I do not deserve to be treated like a beggar and a criminal.

Lately he has been laying claim to parent time saying that we don't have agreement, but the truth is he has entirely ignored his son.  But now it is "all my fault." Frankly, I don't know how his attorney feels ethical in what she enables him to do.

It is upsetting enough to have had to make the decision to detach, and to come to terms with the deception, and all the years of lost life and memory. I learned he did not even like me when we got married but told me he loved me.  I learned he was thinking of comi

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ADSJ, and everyone:  I hope no one ever apologizes for writing out their own stories.  It really helps me to read everyone else’s stories.  It also helps me to have a place to write out mine.  I find it is just incredibly hard to explain to anyone the many layers of distress.

My husband moved out about 3 weeks ago.  I had to really stand up to him.  Beyond my own distress, my teens were also distressed having him in the house.  because of how he continually crosses boundaries and then twists things to make me the bad guy, I was really walking on eggshells afraid that anything I did or did not do might be used against me in court.  It is such a relief to all of us for him to have moved out, 

I have been lining up therapists for the teens and also for my young adult son.  One of the teens has already met a couple of times with a therapist—the other on a waiting list.  I have also spoken with the social worker at the Hugh school, and he is watching out for my two teens.  He also gave me names of good fit therapists and helped me get on lists.  I have also spoken with the leader of our church congregation, and he is going to now—with my permission—share with youth leaders about the divorce—though not share about husband’s sexuality.

As for me, in addition to my regular therapist, I have started some sessions with a family therapist, to help coach me in re-establishing some healthy family routines and rules and attitudes here at home.  For me and my teens, it is like we are survivors of a bomb attack and kind of hanging out dazed.  I have signed up for 12 sessions, and hope to move outward in my discussions with him to include advice on re-establishing my relationships with my two young adult children.  They spend quite a bit of time with their dad, and this really grieves me because my daughter has enforced having very little contact with me.  I believe my husband is nurturing my young adult son as his next source of “narcissistic supply.”  The mirro

I posted this late last night, and still this morning I remember these points below.  For context: these comments are from a woman who knowingly married her gay husband, who was her friend growing up.  Both of them trained as marriage/family therapists, so they communicated and genuinely cared for each other.  The divorce was a joint decision after about 15 years and 4 children (3 children? Not sure).

1- the enormous toll it took on her sense of self, for her husband to not desire her.  Even though she knew it was because he was gay.  She just internalized feelings that she was just not of value as a person.

2-Driving home the lack of reciprocity: how much more difficult the divorce was for her than for her husband.  He said, “I love you as much as ever!  While she had to work to detach and “love him less.”
Now, he is going on happy to explore his new fun life, to celebrate being himself, while she is full of grief, loneliness, anger, severely diminished self esteem, and a faith crisis.