As for your question I discus my personal life with people who I consider to be friends. If you had come at me with a less aggressive demeanor I likely would have answered you.

(For the rest of you my story is sitting in ‘Our Stories’. It’s called ‘A sixteen year journey’ or something)

OOHC .... you get it

Where did I say I was a Christian? *eye roll*

Seems, then, that your course is clear.  This fact torments you and your fear that she will someday act on that attraction means that you have lost trust in her.   

Well, this morning I thought I sure could use some insight again from all the discussions on the straight spouse network! And wow!

For me, my husband was not going to label himself, and I had to decide “what is acceptable to me?”  That involved a lot of things besides sexuality.  For me, trust was foundational. Monogamy was foundational (for me).  Being treated with kindness and respect—foundational. 

My ability to stay in the marriage required that I feel safe.  I worked hard to evaluate my own issues, including if Ihad unreasonable expectations, including if I could change my assumptions and expectations, and eventually knew that I had to decide what was acceptable to me.  Only I could make my decision, that not even God (I am a believer) could or would tell me what to do because I had to own it entirely,  That I could work very hard but at a certain point, I could only go so far, and my husband needed to act in ways where I had some confidence about the stability of the marriage and his concern for me as a real person.  His real actions had to show real efforts to work on a real relationship with a real me.

There was no 100% sure, because nothing is 100% sure. 

It has been the hardest, hardest, hardest work.  Because finally, in my case, I came to understand that the man I loved with all my heart did not treat me with respect or honesty.  The hidden sexuality and hidden activities were a part of that.  The way he talked to me—for a year—after I discovered things was a part of that, 

Lily talks frequently about “reciprocity.”  This has stuck with me and become a part of how I explain my decision to the people I trust to hear it. 

Reciprocity is not just sexual attraction, and it is not just emotional attraction.  There has to be reciprocity of honesty, reciprocity of listening, reciprocity of working, reciprocity of commitment, reciprocity of tsking responsibility, reciprocity of “give and take” that goes both ways which I guess is reciprocity of reciprocity, haha!. 

Especially, there has to be reciprocity of empathy.  If all of one person’s empathy is taken up to understand, every minute, in accepting that the person they love has no empathy for them—that is destructive.  If my compassion, every minute, is taken up understanding that the person I love most has struggles and his greatest struggle is not wanting me—wow that is destructive.  If the person I love the most expects and requires me to use all my empathy and compassion for him to justify that he is a victim of me because his greatest struggle is not wanting me, and I am therefore supposed to accept everything he dishes out and still stay in the relationship or he will tell me I am not a compassionate person and that I am not compassionate because I deserve to mistreated—that kind of circular awful mind mess—wow is that is destructive! 

And that was ultimately at  heart of my decision. I had trouble figuring it out because I experienced so much confusion as he used my empathy and kindness a weapon against me.  That is not about sexuality.  That is an abusive man.

The sexuality was just a part of it.

Xoxoxo to all on this board.