Anon2222 wrote:

...honestly, the trend I have been seeing is that more and more straight spouses just accept this as the "normal" of society today. "Sexual fluidity" just seems normal now-a-days.

I agree with this point and just wanted to share how this belief/acceptance factored into my own experience, as it's been mind-melting. My husband is in his 50s and recently disclosed to me that he is gay - lots of pain, insecurity, denial, generational/cultural fear going on for him there. We are both still unpacking this and I don't really know how we'll proceed. I am more than a decade younger than him and I'm realizing that my millennial "fluidity" is probably one of the main reasons I've put up with so much over the years. I have excused or overlooked SO MANY actions and words, most of which ignored my physical and emotional needs, while honestly thinking things like "everyone is at least a little bi, this doesn't really affect our love/marriage". Eventually, the signs and suspicions could no longer be ignored and I had been much more inquisitive and forward in the months leading up to his very reluctant disclosure. Once he told me, though, all of the dots were connected and I felt really stupid for just going along with the ride this whole time just because I adhered to fluidity as a societal norm. 

Edit: When I refer to my "fluidity", I'm not talking about my own sexuality (I've always been confident in my straightness, haha), but rather how I previously ignored/dismissed now-obvious signs from my husband (at the cost of my mental health) because I was so attached to this "fluidity is normal, so I should be fine with it in the context of my marriage" idea. 

lily wrote:

...they have misgivings about being in a same sex relationship and would rather take on a submissive wife as they can easily be top dog.  which says something about their character at the least and a level of selfishness or lack of care of others associated with narcissism.

It's like I'm reading about myself - I am the submissive wife here, a sweet and mild "go with the flow" personality. Within two weeks of dating my now-husband, he was asking me to do some things none of my straight former partners ever approached. Not saying straight men can't enjoy those things, of course, but I'd always been very open in the bedroom through several relationships with interesting, adventurous partners and his requests still took me by surprise. That said, I wasn't bothered because I love to learn and explore new things. I distinctly remember him saying, "I'm so glad I finally found someone to do this with." and I was so flattered that he felt comfortable with me in that way. As the years have gone on, I've slowly been realizing that he just recognized my people-pleasing and easygoing tendencies right off the bat. He didn't start showing his true colors until after we got married.

I am in therapy right now because there is no one in my family or friends circle that I can talk with. Even if there was, I still, despite 10+ years of lies and excuses, have enough respect for my husband to not risk outing him to anyone in our life. The mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion from this situation is really taking its toll. This is such an outrageously lonely experience and I am so grateful for this community.

Does anyone else suffer from physical symptoms of the gaslighting? I'm talking about things like elevated heart rate, sinking gut feelings, dizziness from suppressing emotions, etc. With any new discovery or even cautious attempts at civil conversation, it's like my body goes into fight or flight mode now because I know that he's going to spout some more bullshit. I know the truth and I know I cannot continue this life, but I am a bit stuck here for awhile longer. I still find myself stupidly hoping that he'll be truthful or apologetic or SOMETHING. Anything!

My reality feels so warped... I've been made to feel like I'm some crazy wife with unrealistic expectations. The song-and-dance lies every time I have confronted him about his online activities, the absurd excuses when I've lightly asked about why he isn't interested in being intimate with me... worst of all, the promises and reassurance that he is attracted to me but is just "going through something" right now and will work to be a better husband. He claimed he was stressed from work, so I took on more household responsibilities, he claimed I brought up sex too much and it put pressure on him so I stopped, but then nothing would happen for months... and when I finally would bring it up again, he would angrily accuse me of hiding my feelings for so long. He has always said it is normal for sex to deteriorate after marriage (our bedroom died right when we got married, how convenient) and tells me that millennials (I'm of that age) are too obsessed with sex. On the rare occasions that o