OutofHisCloset wrote:

I went through a period after I left him during which I had to remind myself I was "enough" on my own.  Once I had a dream from which I emerged saying that: "I am enough."  

I have been divorced now for six years and just yesterday I was thinking that one of the joys of being on my own now is that I no longer feel under surveillance and judged to be unworthy or faulty.  It's immensely freeing to be free of that constant unspoken condemnation. 

I can't wait for this ! I truly feel not enough all the time ...I felt this way for 8 years ...my sister told me that the spark in my eyes is gone and it's true ! Apparently my sister told my friend years ago that she wishes I can get a divorce but she never told me so I don't feel bad.

While his brother knew that he was gay and hid all this from me !

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Lost (now Found) Person,
 I assume you have a lawyer who is working with you to achieve the best settlement for you and for support for your children.  Have you talked to your lawyer about interim financial arrangements?  Your stbx should not be controlling the finances.  If you don't have a lawyer, please get one.

I also wanted to add this to my earlier post:
These guys will play the "shame" card, and blame "society" for their shame, and expect us to toe the line where they draw it about "telling," but the shame they ought to feel, but don't, is about what they are willing to do to us and to ask us to do.  For that, oddly, they never feel shame.  My ex at one point said to me "I wish I'd never told anyone!," and my response was to think that he was willing to subject me to an entire life in the dark about what was wrong in my marriage while I blamed myself for imagined failures and worked hard to make myself more "worthy."  And that's aside from the way he was willing to actually treat me!

Yes, I have a lawyer and am working with her, but he wants me to trust him with financial agreements, and I said no.

He didn't tell me anything ! I discovered all this ! And now he is pretending to be religious and he moved on from all this since I caught him 6 months ago

This shaming game is real

Anon 765 wrote:

Hi Lostperson,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are not alone. I ask myself that question a lot. I'm a few months past my divorce being final. I do feel a lot better overall, but I still get extremely triggered and feel panic and overwhelm when I have to have contact with him. It can last for a week or so. I am extremely drained and slowly building back up from complete burnout and trauma.

Unfortunately, my ex does not share my view of reality. I am slowly coming to accept that he is profoundly mentally unwell, and likely was that way throughout our long marriage. I can't hold him to the standards of your average person because it's just crazy-making for me. This means big boundaries (that I may have to reinforce), lots and lots, and lots of self care, and avoiding as much contact as I can. It's a tough road that has been devastating to my mental and, to some extent, physical, health.

Now that we no longer live together or need to have much contact (sadly, there is some required occasional contact), I am finally able to start grieving and processing.

I think that with time and distance you will begin to feel better. Just hold on to what you know to be true! And make sure you have a friend or two in your corner who can absolutely have your back and remind you that you are not making things up.

Best wishes,

Anon 765

Thank you for responding ! I hope I will calm down.I feel like a broken record to my friend,mom and sister. I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist .

I really don't understand how he can pretend to this extent and why this image is more important than the truth.


Maybe he married me just for the kids that he tries to play the role of a mom all the time !

It's exhausting !

Tabor wrote:

You have young kids together. That should be both of your priority irregardless of your own individual romantic and sexual relationships in the future. The kids still need both of their parents to be there for them while being at least civil toward one another and that’s more important than whoever either partner might want to get involved with going forward.

It might be an awkward time to pursue a new crush but, then again, I sure wish I had a new person then or since leaving my gay ex and dating can be hard so maybe don’t totally disregard that but try to balance it with the other important family and life transitions you’re up against…

I think we are both trying to be civil but occasionally he says that i have to forgive him and he would never leave me ...which scares me ...

The new person also says that my soon to be ex will never let me go because I'm his cover and he doesn't want his sexual identity to be exposed .


Add to the mix that I'm trying to achieve a dream by applying to a competitive medical speciality and I take care of my mom financially and physically.

Honestly, I feel so burdened and sometimes I just want to disappear but then I remember I'm responsible for the kids .

I'm not suicidal...I think I'm just exhausted .

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Lostperson wrote:

.......How long did it take u to process all this and get out ?
It has been 6 months and I'm back and forth with my ideas and feelings

 

After many years of figuring out how I felt about how my r'ship, and where my former partner A placed me in it....I  decided after 32 years (bearing in mind the first 20 or so years were absolutely great) that I no longer wanted intimacy with him. As a woman (to put it plainly) sex means love to me....and as much as I wanted to the connection wasn't the same between us. It took me 3 years to reach that decision, then 3 more to move out. 
So I hate to say it but 6 months may just be the the beginning. Some get out sooner, some take longer. Some stay, for all kinds of reasons. Financial. Emotional. Family support. There is no one-size-fits-all. 

The back and forth you're experiencing is you weighing your options. Every few months I'd test the resolve of my desire to leave and just know I wasn't ready. Our children are all adults and A wasn't nasty, negative or violent so I had time. And things just fell into place for me once I'd made the decision to leave but the most important support was my family, who were always there.

I consider myself lucky. A is paying half my rent, the power bill, and my phone but that won't be for much longer I hope. I could go back to him tomorrow simply to have an easier life but that would mean dealing with all the emotional shit I had to deal with for years. I can do better without that heaviness on my chest and in my heart.

Elle

 

Wow ! I was so disappointed with myself being unable to make a decision.

I emailed my lawyer again today just to go over the steps needed again.

He says he will not make it more difficult for me ..but will see.

Thank you for sharing your experience .It means alot to me .