I'm one of them, my ex decided he was a woman a few years ago, though he cross dressed off and on throughout the marriage. He's my ex now because in the last years of the marriage, he changed from the kind man and good husband he used to be.  He lied repeatedly, drained our joint funds behind my back, was verbally and emotionally abusive, raged at me regularly, and ran a very effective smear campaign that ended up with me losing some friends. I honestly don't know if the trans thing would have ended the marriage, the abuse was enough. So I don't know how much my experience would apply to you. We were married 4 decades, and the first three were good. I don't know what changed him, and I don't want to imply the same will happen to you! But I'm happy to share what I've experienced, if that would be helpful. 

I've been legally separated from my trans ex husband for a bit over a year, and haven't lived with him for a little longer. I'm healing, though sometimes I still miss what was good in the first decades of the marriage. But I'm way too vulnerable to them. They seem to think we're friends, and keep send chatty texts and emails. They want me to be happy they've found great joy as a woman. Somehow they've blanked out the years of abuse and lies and financial destruction and smear campaign as if that had nothing to do with them. They even said the abuse was done by a different person, someone they don't know.  Funny how they're still in the same body as the abusive husband, even if they're wearing a dress. I can't just block them, we have a special needs child in common. But it's so hard. My heart rate shoots up every time they text or email, just seeing their name is too much. Why can't I find a way to not be so upset by their intrusions into my life? I just want to make a new life for myself, without them. They were very clear they didn't want me. Why do they think we're friends? I'm polite, nothing more. But they keep acting as if everything's just great. 

Terracotta wrote:

Hi there Taken,
I've experienced what you are going through now, around 3 years ago. I have lost everything and was forced to start a new life and I don't even care now. It was worth it.
I cut ties with them after I remained friends for like two years or so and ruining my own mental health, getting depression, etc. You will instantly feel better the moment you cut ties with them.
I can just advise you not doing it half-heartedly though. You won't regret it.
 

I'm struggling with this now.  Ex husband, now she, thinks we're friends. I can't be friends with a person I can't be honest with. She claims she doesn't remember abusing me, doesn't know who that abusive husband was.  I guess to her none of it happened, since it happened while she was a he. I still remember and am affected by all the rage and lies and spending. She messages me with personal stuff, generally about how she's really a woman. I give neutral answers. But it affects me. I want to stop. But I'm afraid of the rage and smear campaign that happened before we split up.  I keep thinking it shouldn't affect me, but it does. Could you tell me how it helped you to cut ties for good? We do have an adult child together, with special needs, so I don't know if I can just not speak at all. 

Thanks, Rob. That is encouraging to know. I am trying to do this one step at a time, but I keep expecting so much of myself. 

Kel, I'm afraid of so many things. I'll try to drill down and uncover the the main core. 

4, I'm so sorry. I understand the paralysis too well. Real love wants good for the other, not to take and control the other. I don't know how I lost sight of that. I knew it was happening, but I thought he's just stressed, he will come back to himself and treat me well again. I guess it was hope, and love on my part. I don't know what it was for him. I try not to put myself down for believing his lies. He has fooled many people. The frog in boiling water is a good picture of what happened to me. I'm sorry he killed your dog. I'm glad he didn't kill you. 

I've never been so paralyzed in my life. I've always been able to do the hard thing,  the right thing. I don't understand why I'm so stuck. Do I just have to wait until I can act? Is there something I can do to shake this paralysis?