We have some members here who have also had to navigate a similar situation to what you now find yourself in. I'm sure they'll add valuable input to this thread. You may also want to use the search function for this board and read what others have posted in the past. Don't worry about the questions, those will come in good time.

I'm one of them, my ex decided he was a woman a few years ago, though he cross dressed off and on throughout the marriage. He's my ex now because in the last years of the marriage, he changed from the kind man and good husband he used to be.  He lied repeatedly, drained our joint funds behind my back, was verbally and emotionally abusive, raged at me regularly, and ran a very effective smear campaign that ended up with me losing some friends. I honestly don't know if the trans thing would have ended the marriage, the abuse was enough. So I don't know how much my experience would apply to you. We were married 4 decades, and the first three were good. I don't know what changed him, and I don't want to imply the same will happen to you! But I'm happy to share what I've experienced, if that would be helpful. 

    I am also a woman whose spouse declared (after 32 years of marriage) that he was transgender.  I stayed in his closet for a year and a half before I found the SSN and told a friend.  Living in someone's closet magnifies the trauma, and like Leslie, I wish I had sought support from others earlier.
   I went to therapy twice in the space of the three-and-a-half years it took between disclosure and divorce, both times for six sessions (short term counseling only was mandated by my insurance), once about two years in when I was still living with my then-husband and my stress levels were so off the chart I confided the situation to my doctor, who immediately referred me to counseling, and once about six months after I had moved out, when I was negotiating the divorce settlement, and was having trouble standing up for myself; I was lucky the therapist had a grandfather who had been an old school transsexual, so she was able to appreciate what I was telling her from the perspective of a family member (if not from that of the spouse).  
   I used to post frequently; you can read my posts chronologically (select "ascending" order in the search feature).
  Sorry you're here.  It was a good place for me to get support and clarity, and I hope it will be for you, too.

Thank you so very much everyone for sharing. It is an interesting journey. I am sharing with my friends. I am very open with my husband that I am very uncomfortable with him wearing womans clothes. I have requested that he doesnt in our home. When he works in another city every month he dresses like a woman and at home in our small town he dresses like a man except polish, socks, leggings.
He says dresssingin the city like a woman makes him feel like himself, that its fun and exciting. I am happy that he is able to be self expressed and have some freedom and power however I am clear I do not want to be with a woman. He says he is committed to me, although I have 0 interest in sex and have for some time. He requested an open marriage to satisfy his sexual needs and I declined. I dont think I see the future with each other even though we love each other and have great respect for one another. I really dont like the feminity he displays and dont want to be with a man that identifies as a woman.
 

Zenobia,
   Please don't blame yourself for not articulating boundaries. You were acting on the assumptions you had because of your past experience you had with your first husband, and that is a reasonable reaction.  We all act on prior experience every day in many, many situations; it's a basic feature of learning and conditioning.  In addition, you were, as you say, "not wanting to shame them" by expressing your distaste for sex while your husband was in his woman alter ego mode.  That's also reasonable, given the context of the culture in which we live, and the marriage we're in to the person we're married to. 

    Your silence was not carte blanche for your husband to simply do whatever he wanted either in or out of the bedroom.  That dynamic reeks of the old "man acts, and it's up to woman to put the brakes on" line, with the trans twist of "husband continually pushes boundaries and wife must play clothing police."  There is a new paradigm now, of consent, outside marriage and inside it (the law finally recognizes marital rape).  

   Having lived with my trans-identifying husband, who continually moved the goal posts of what he "needed" to feel "authentic," and who habitually broke the boundaries we agreed on (no matter whether it was me or him who proposed those boundaries) and attempted to manipulate me--utilized various tactics that applied various kinds of pressure to get me to accommodate, participate, encourage ever more "expression--in many, many ways I did not recognize at the time, I have come to believe that if anyone has grounds to complain, it's us. It's not up to us to speak up, but for them to open the discussion.  And if they want more "expression" than we're comfortable with, they need to either make the concession and respect it, or tell us that they're sorry, that is a deal-breaker for them, and proceed to divorce, without blaming us for it.  What's not ok is their anger, resentment, blame, and a sense that they are entitled to do what they want without considering our needs and desires, or without experiencing any consequence for their actions. 

  It's also important to understand that having and expressing a boundary doesn't mean you can't re-think that boundary.  Situations change, feelings change, we change, and what is comfortable and acceptable to us, and helps us live according to our values, can change.  That's not changing horses in the middle of the stream, and shouldn't be held against us.  It's us, living with a situation we have no experience with, learning what we're comfortable with and responding to our spouses' actions, and communicating that to our spouses. 

   When I was trying to accommodate my now-ex, and having very little knowledge either of autogynephilia or my own reaction, I set a boundary far beyond what eventually, after I experienced life with him as he constantly moved the goal posts, I was able to live with.  From the beginning I knew that if he began to live full time publicly as a woman I did not want to be married to him, and told him so.  I also knew that if he took cross-sex hormones and had an orchiectomy, two things he told me he wanted, I did not want to be married to him.  What I didn't know then, because I was so unfamiliar with what behaviors he might want to engage in, and didn't know how acting out his desires a little led inexorably to him wanting to express them ever more, and in ever more ways, was that there was a lot short of what I had said I wouldn't stay for that I learned over time were also deal-breakers for me.  I also watched my husband become ever more narcissistic, demanding, and entitled about what he wanted, which was the real straw that broke the camel's back.

Stephutaylor,
  Having and articulating boundaries is very important.  It's also very important, however, to have a plan in place for how you're going to respond, what you're going to do, when/if your husband violates those boundaries.  If you find out, for example, that he's asked for an open marriage because he has already without your knowledge or agreement opened it, what is your response going to be?  If he starts making your life miserable because you won't agree, if he won't leave it alone, what is your response going to be?  If he pushes the boundaries of not dressing at home (and I'd point out he already does, if he's wearing women's socks and leggings at home), how are you going to react?

   If you have decided you don't have a future as a wife in a sexless marriage to a cross-dressing man who wants to have sex outside the marriage (a reasonable decision), please go see a lawyer to find out what your rights are under divorce, so you will be prepared to level the consequences when he violates--or you find out he already has violated--your boundary.  



  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 29, 2020 10:15 am)