Sean thanks for your reply. It's interesting to read your view. I'm 18 mths post TGT, almost a year since he moved out (he did that in the most cowardly way imaginable, left without prior discussion or agreement as to when it'd happen while I was away for a few days). I feel I never got proper closure. Since then I've been completely shoved under the bus at every opportunity by him and his family, his mother actually saying to me he can't help what he is, he was born that way and my biggest issue is I think I'm perfect! He has used the whole marriage never had a chance because I'm so judgemental and critical, he always felt tested, I was so hard to live with, even throwing the fact I rearranged the dishwasher as an insurmountable issue !!! 

The odd encounter I have with him now is riddled with vitriol and venom. Two of our adult children have issues with him, he's addressed these by email and asked that they don't discuss what he's said with anyone, in my opinion this is solely to divide and conquer and not have them discuss what he's said about me with me. 

I agree that it's all projecting to protect himself but what's so hard to fathom is he's never suffered with depression, he's extremely high functioning in his professional life. I don't know if he's even out in his work life. Within his extended family they spread the story he bottled it up his whole life and waited until the youngest was reared when in actual fact he'd been living a depraved seedy life for 25+ years of our 28 year marriage and used our youngest to out him. He says it was accidental but speaking with our son there's no way he believes it was accidental, he subjected him to witnessing him on Grindr numerous times in a 24 hr period while sitting right next to him.

I guess what I'm coming to believe is I may never see an end to the narcissism, it's only with hindsight I can see it, he was arrogant and dogmatic but I wouldn't have seen narcissism, perhaps moodiness. He would discredit my family and point out flaws but this was just to deflect from himself and his own flaws - isn't hindsight wonderful?!!

His whole family and himself of course are people who twist situations to make it easy to live with and justify what they need to but in this case it's to discredit me and place blame on me and he's exonerated of all guilt. Frightening to be subjected to this when you were a part of a family for over 30 years. 

Thanks again Sean and sorry for this rant!!!

I don't know about the others, since I haven't read all the way through this thread (but intend to) but I appreciate your candor, and willingness to answer honestly and openly, even when it gets uncomfortable. You're giving much needed input where the spouses have not.
​I know everyone is at a different stage here, and processes things differently. I think I am past the anger stage, because I've been mourning the loss of my marriage for so many years. 12 years since he started really avoiding sex with me, and probably 15 since I noticed I was always the initiator. I hadn't mentioned this anywhere on here, and it may be a different issue entirely, but my husband also has exhibited paranoia (terrorists, aliens, conspiracy theories) to the point that I was afraid I might have to have him evaluated, and he also seems to be classic bipolar.  He is nice, sweet, seemingly on task and normal/even keeled for approximately 5-14 days, then he becomes angry and easily agitated and makes everyone miserable. Will stomp or slam around, throw things, and or yell. It's amazing what we begin to see as normal, till we look back at it objectively.  I've been keeping track of everything that's gone on here, for about 8 months.

​Anyway, what I wanted to say is, all the hurt and confusion aside, I decided I can't be angry. My husband probably didn't feel he could be open about his sexuality. Societally and as far as being disowned. I think he struggled with wanting to be straight. Wanting children. A wife. The all American family... and we sure have it. Do I regret marrying him? Absolutely not. I have learned and grown as a person and mother. I have learned from the hurt. I have beautiful amazing children.  I DO however feel sorry for him, moreso than myself. I know my sexuality, and am comfortable in my own skin. It's so obvious to me now that he is not. He is socially awkward, says inappropriate things at times, and then the whole job thing.... he has told me he feels like a failure. I have spent a good portion of our marriage, building him up... not realizing that he can't be built up by anyone but himself.  I want him to be happy. I want him to feel at ease. I wish he could admit things to me, and let us continue our journey as friends and co-parents. I understand the deception and lies. I've lied to him myself in other ways, so as not to hurt his delicate emotional state. I just want us to both live our lives and find ultimate love, even if that's obviously not with each other. 

Lisa,

Obviously he figured since you weren't on the phone, you wouldn't have heard that.  But no - that's NOT normal.  I don't care if you are straight and DO have a gay friend - they don't talk to you like that.  Why would they?  A typical straight man would make it known that being talked to that way was unacceptable.  And that if it continued, that's it - no more friendship.  Friends don't try to make their friends feel uncomfortable.  And if there's ANYthing that makes a straight man feel uncomfortable, it's being touched or talked to in a sexually suggestive way by another man.

Kel

Sean thanks so much and I had to laugh because of the scrabble analogy. See, my husband and I used to play scrabble. Quite competitively in fact. He actually proposed on the board.  Maybe one day I'll steal the Y from MARRY and finish out the word GAY. 

The closest I got to being non chalant about saying it to him was when I asked, he denied, and I said "well I still feel like you are gay or bi... but the point here is really that there is too much hurt from the past for me to ever get past".

I will always love him as a person and I do want him to be happy. But I also love myself and need my happiness now as well.  I think I'll set a timeline and try to stick to it.

Hi Sean! I have a question-how did you people in your situation perform with their wives sexually? Sorry if that's too personal-I am only wondering because that's what threw me I guess. If he didn't seem to enjoy it sometimes or finish I think I would have been more suspicious