maresyd, although we're a good 1/2 hour from Orland, we're there all.the.time.  It's where a ton of the good furniture stores are! 

Kel

I knew my husband was gay before we married. We were friends for a long time. I guess you can say we realized we loved each other and sex was good. He was very attentive and definitely enjoyed sex with me. We have been married 37 years. We have three grown children. Over the years things started to change, he was often late from work and sex was less and less. I can never say I was not aware. I dealt with it because I had three children and he is a good Dad. In fact I good husband. Yes there was times when he was/is distant. He is somewhere else. I also thought when the kids were done with college I would leave. Some circumstances did not let that happen. I finally confronted him a few years ago. He wasn't too surprised and did not deny anything. He says he loves me, and I believe this is true. He says it's only for sex, no emotional attachment,he does not want a relationship with a man. As time went on he can not be the person I want sexually, his interest in me is gone. Unfortunately, I love him and am still attracted to him. He tries really hard not to go and have sex with men but, it never lasts. I told him recently that we can stay together for now, but he can't have me any more. He is a very affectionate person, likes to hold my hand, hugs and kisses alot. I know he is devastated by my decision. I want a full relationship, not a half one. I am trying to regain my self esteem and gain courage to leave. I am 68 years old and still have a whole lot of life. It hurts real bad. This is my first post.

Trying to Understand My Husband’s MSM and What It Means for Our Marriage

I’m looking for honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

I’ve been married to my husband for 25 years. Recently, I discovered that he had been sending nude pictures to men and using male hookup sites. He has admitted to sexual activity with men and said that men made him feel “special” in a way he didn’t feel with me. He also says he isn’t gay and has blamed alcohol and other factors for what happened.

This has been extremely painful and confusing. I feel as though I’m questioning 25 years of my life and wondering how much of what I believed about our marriage was real.

Over the past couple of years, I have increasingly felt rejected both sexually and emotionally. He does not seem sexually attracted to me, and when we have tried to be intimate, he has had difficulty becoming or staying aroused.

What makes this especially difficult is that this feels like more than an affair. I’m struggling with what his behavior means for our marriage, his sexuality, and our future together. I also feel that he wants me to forgive him and move forward without fully answering my questions about why he chose men or what he actually wants sexually.

He says he wants to remain married to me and is even willing to have a sexless marriage. However, I need honesty about what he wants and whether he is genuinely attracted to me.

I’m not trying to label him or force him to identify as gay, bisexual, questioning, or anything else. I just need a truthful understanding of the situation. If he is sexually attracted to men, I would rather know than spend the rest of my life wondering whether I’m in a marriage where my husband is not genuinely attracted to me.

I also need to understand whether his behavior reflects bisexuality, homosexuality, unresolved questions about his identity, compulsive behavior, or something else. I realize that only he can ultimately determine how he identifies, but I need him to be willing to explore these questions honestly rather than dismissing them or blaming alcohol alone.

For those who have experienced sex between men, or MSM, within a long-term heterosexual marriage:

• How did you determine whether your husband was bisexual, gay, questioning, or simply engaging in behavior he did not want to define?

• What kinds of honest conversations helped you understand what he truly wanted?

• How did you distinguish between genuine sexual orientation and behavior connected to alcohol, secrecy, validation, or other factors?

• How did you decide whether the marriage could realistically continue?

• What boundaries or conditions helped you protect your emotional and physical well-being?

I’m hurting, confused, and trying to make sense of something that has completely changed how I see my marriage.

Hi Christina Marie, 

This experience is a complete Mindfuck.  We thought we were marrying a straight man, then decades later find out that he's gay/bi/trans/questioning.  What you are going through is really common for those of us in the initial stages of finding out our spouse is LGBT, and trying to figure out what to do now that our world has been completely turned upside down. 

For me, as soon as my GXH told me he wanted to screw men, we were done. Married two decades; all undone in just a few sentences.  There is no way I wanted to be married to a man who was having sex with men.  Amid all of the storm of my emotions was relief, because now I understood why our marriage was such a struggle, and that so much of the struggle had absolutely nothing to do with me.  Even so, I spent a very long time trying to figure out what happened, and when, and what signs did I miss, and how long has he known.  

The challenge is to focus on YOU and what YOU want and what are YOU are willing to make to stay married, or if it's time to say goodbye and lead your own life. 

Here's what stands out to me from your post: 

Your husband is sending nude photos, using hookup sites, and has had sex with other men.  Also, you've felt rejected sexually and emotionally, and he can't perform when the two of you are intimate.   Sounds like his clear preference is for men.  No surprise that he says he isn't gay (that's GID, or Gay In Denial) and blames it on alcohol.  He's been living in the closet.  This is also why he wants to stay married to you - you're his beard.  Since he's been meeting up with men without your knowledge, his model of being married is that he gets the social benefits of a hetero marriage while still getting to do what he wants sexually outside of your relationship.  This is also really, really common for the gay or GID spouse. 

Determining whether he is gay or bi or questioning is impossible, especially since he may not know himself. It is also unnecessary to figure that part out.  All you need to know is that he's cheating on you with men, and he's not interested in you sexually.  

Your question "what kinds of honest conversations helped you understand what he truly wanted" is an interesting one.  After my ex came out, we had conversations that seemed at the time like honest conversations, especially since we had been so emotionally separate for the years preceding that.  As time went by and I spent more time and distance away from him, I realized that I was getting a story from him, a sanitized version of his activities that in no way was complete or honest.  An honest conversation is a big ask from a person who has already cheated on you. 

The question is not about what HE truly wants, it's about what YOU truly want.  

As far as boundaries and conditions to protect my emotional and physical well-being, what helped the most was when he moved out of the house and I didn't have to interact with him any more.  I really couldn't understand how badly I'd been lied to, cheated on, and gaslit until I had a few months of time and distance.  

This experience is extremely painful, and very confusing.  I would highly recommend individual therapy for you.  Also, if you have a close friend or family member to talk to, that's very helpful as well.