OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Scared of running into ex

**Posted by Magnolia** January 14, 2025 4:06 pm

Since the divorce was finalized a few years ago I've been no contact. I'm always a little scared of running into my trans ex-husband when I'm out in certain places. I know he will try to approach me and talk to me; he didn't want to divorce and is the type to always try to be the "nice guy". I suspect it really gets under his skin that I don't want anything to do with him.

I've already had a close call where I saw him obviously looking for me when we happened to be at the same place (I ran out before he saw me). The thought of him approaching me when I'm out with friends in my new life mortifies me. I don't tell many people about him as I just want to move on and not be associated with him.

Just venting, I suppose. Angry that this is still a consideration and that I can't trust him to take the hint after years of no contact.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 14, 2025 4:38 pm

I have a similar feeling about my trans (closeted) ex. I am also no contact with him, and have been since 2019. I don't want to run into him. I doubt he would go out of his way to approach me, but just seeing him at a distance is enough to upset me, even though it's been seven years since I left him. We don't live in the same neighborhood (I moved out), but we do live only a couple of miles apart. I try to stay out of the area of town where he lives, but I do occasionally shop at the grocery store that is about a half mile from our, now his, house, and where I shopped for over twenty-five years when I lived there. I always scan the parking lot for his car, and, on the occasions when I have seen it, I turn right around and leave. A few times I have seen him on the road, driving, including once when I realized his car was just in front of me, and once when he was just behind me. (He works out in a gym near where I live.) It's always destabilizing for me.

It must be far worse for you, knowing your ex would like to force himself on you.

**Posted by Magnolia** January 20, 2025 11:56 am

OutofHisCloset wrote:
It's always destabilizing for me.

Yes, it's the same for me and I hate it. While I've moved across town, it's not as though it's a very large town to begin with so the possibility of running into him is greater than I would like. It's insult to injury that he would even try to speak to me after everything he put me through.

**Posted by brianh** January 22, 2025 11:12 am

Alas, I suspect this isn't uncommon, not that I'm an expert. I was "fortunate" enough to move away (I didn't really have any choice, actually), but recently went back to the area I used to live with my former spouse (15+ years ago) and all those anxieties came roaring back and it came as a bit of a surprise to me.

I don't know if this applies to you all, but these kinds of anxieties can be PTSD from chronic emotional abuse. Therapy may help, if that's an option.

**Posted by Rob** January 24, 2025 7:28 am

I can relate.. My GX moved very close and I could always run into her in the supermarket. But I never felt safe. I recently moved further away and really do have less anxiety as the chances of running into her are nil. I took the supermarket as a blessing to maybe get to see my kids. But if your ex doesnt have the kids with him it baffling to me what purpose they serve on this earth.

**Posted by ReedieTeacher** March 3, 2025 7:00 am

Me too! Initially, my trans ex-spouse wanted to sit together at our son's band concerts and "be friends." That person clearly wanted my approval and I refused to give it. Because that person didn't (and doesn't) deserve it.

You are not alone and your feelings are valid!

**Posted by BirdSolveig** March 3, 2025 4:34 pm

I can definitely identify with that problem. When I learned where my TXH was living, I decided to take a new route to go many places in town. I tried to go to a different church but when I saw him there with his appearance and behavior I made the decision never to go back to that church. And I haven't, except for a funeral of a friend. It's hard living in the same small town.

**Posted by walkbymyself** March 6, 2025 9:55 am

I moved 3,000 miles away. But, when I go to visit my daughter I'm not sure how to handle this situation.

**Posted by ReedieTeacher** March 7, 2025 7:19 am

My therapist keeps asking me, "why are you scared? He can't hurt you anymore." And she's technically right, but seeing him brings things back and this still feels beyond my control. I imagine it's a bit like PTSD.

**Posted by walkbymyself** March 7, 2025 11:44 am

I don't know if that's the kind of "scared" I think about.

I have to live with my own inner dialogue. So in that sense, it's not quite true that "he" can't hurt me, because "I" can still hurt. Nowadays it's anger with myself for getting so flustered during the divorce mediation that I got locked into a terrible deal. I'm angry with myself for being so gullible that I didn't realize I should have gone full-on scorched earth with him. When he asked me if he could keep the house -- I should have held out. I should have known not to just accept his valuation. I should have known I was entitled to much more than he would ever part with.

When I saw how poorly my lawyer was doing, I should have fired him and gotten someone who wasn't so easily manipulated by the other side.

I should never have wasted my life with this man. I should have realized that trying to do right by my daughter was actually going to make my life infinitely worse: if I'd divorced when she was still young, I might have salvaged my own career before it was too late. Instead, I thought I had to wait until she was out of the house -- and at that point, it was too late for me to build any kind of meaningful stream of income.

So yeah, I don't need to see my ex. Running into him will bring back everything. I don't care what he's doing with his life. He's likely making the same dumb mistakes he's made over and over and they're not my problem any more.

Last edited by walkbymyself (March 7, 2025 11:44 am)