Hey PJ,

I think we as long married spouses can feel when something is off.  Like how did I know my then wife was cheating..it wasn't the lies at first... but rather I could feel her emotionally disconnecting..less affection etc..  I could feel it in my bones.  I could feel it like a shift in loyalty from me to her girlfriend.

In that regard I'm not sure all the signs of her being a lesbian are necessarily all that important  so much as is she hurting you , being honest with you, emotionally  all in with you?   

If your snooping or looking for answers that in itself is something one shouldn't  have to do in a healthy marriage. We should be enough for our spouses.. we should be more than enough.

My wife of 24 years is also still closeted. I know she is lesbian or at least Bi because she has told me she has fantasies and fleeting thoughts of being with a woman.
Not a 3 way, just herself with a woman.
She watches alot of lesbian porn.
She has told me she sees herself as being with a woman when I am not around any more, meaning after I die and I am only 53.
When I asked if she needed to be with a woman she said "No not right now".
She says over and over again that she loves only me and is not looking for anyone else.
In the reading on the subject I think what will happen is one day she will fall in love with a woman.
She will not be looking for that woman but it will just happen.
That will be the end of our marriage. 
I have been dealing with this for 3 years now and I am so tired.
I just want her to get on with it and then let me go.
3 years ago she massively betrayed my trust by doing something that I forbade her to do that could have completely ruined my business which would have impacted myself, my business partner, herself , and my employees.
I had asked her for a divorce after 2 months we had reconciled and gotten back together.
Yesterday she told me that me asking for a divorce is what pushed her to becoming Bi/lesbian.
I am so distraught I have thoughts of killing myself.
This is who I thought was my best friend for the last 25 years.
check out this link it seems more women do this than I thought
 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/22/late-blooming-lesbians-women-sexuality
I feel as though I am just her cocoon while she turns into a butterfly and leaves me behind.
She also got mad and said am I not worth it to spend another few years worth while she figures it out?
I dont have it in me to support her in trashing who I am and what I mean to myself.
I love this woman with everything that I am and thats why it is so hard.

I hope this helps. After I started writing this I decided I would also post this under stories.

I really hope I can find some other Guys in our situation I need to be able to talk and vent with someone who is or has gone through this exact thing.

 

Last edited by clueless70 (October 2, 2023 10:15 am)

I've watched lesbian/woman/men porn my whole life. I've never been attracted to women in real life so to speak. Like literally nothing about a woman makes me want to be romantically involved or attracted to them. I just like women porn lol. Maybe an opened sexual arousal template. Idk I've watched it since day 1 though so i don't think my arousal template was opened at that time.. no abuse history.. just wondering what things make you think that.. i don't think men can watch male on male porn and not be called bisexual or gay but then again some men might be like me and only watch porn that has males but not like them in real life dr joe kort thinks that some men who watch male on male porn are straight idk but ask her??

Like Rob says. 

Sounds to me like your gut instinct of being used as a cocoon is as accurate as they come.

To me that whole article sounds like it's whitewashing the closet and the lack of emotional understanding offered to the straight husbands is brutal.

I took up playing bridge when I started a new life.  Therefore I have spent a fair bit of time with quite a number of ageing non-straight women and the observation I have to make is that they are miserable in the closet.  They sparkle up when they are not pretending to be straight.  

The interesting thing for me in reading that article was the descriptions of the attractions to particular girls being there from a young age.

Somehow you have to start seeing that the woman you have loved all this time is not the person you believed her to be, it's not the real person - it's a nightmare to wake up to.   

When she is saying it is your fault she is bi/lesbian that's a worry - she sounds pretty tough.  are you sure you still love her?





 

Last edited by lily (October 2, 2023 5:44 pm)

I am sorry PJ I did not mean to hijack your thread and I dont know how to move it.