Welcome PJ,

I'm years out from a cheating gay wife.  Yet she will never admit or say it to me.  It's not something she want to give me the satisfaction of...it would be like admitting what she did was wrong.

I honestly feel many of them live so long gay in denial that it's like an ingrained way to live
...even after they are in a gay relationship they still won't admit they're gay. Whether it is arrogance or denial makes little difference to us...

I would pay attention to your wife's actions more than any words..

Welcome PJ

This is a marathon, not a sprint. The journey a straightspouse takes doesn't depend on how accommodating, self-aware and genuine our lgbtq+ are....it depends on us learning to see ourselves as worthy of the truth but if the truth doesn't come that's something we have no control over.

There was a point in my journey where I switched from thinking I needed all the answers...to believing it was up to me to find my own 

Elle

Good advice from Rob above.

My ex-wife started a secret affair with the mother of one of our older daughter's friends in spring 2018, and I blew the cover off the affair in March 2019.  Since then, we got divorced (February 2020), she bought a house with her girlfriend (2022), and she married her girlfriend (2022).  Yet my wife describes her sexuality to our kids as "straight".  She lied to me for 20 years, and I've learned to assess her by her actions rather than her words.  

Don't get hung up on receiving an admission or an apology from your wife.  If you need that or continue waiting for that, you are making your healing and path forward dependent upon her.  As a fellow straight partner often reminds others, the first and most necessary step of healing a wound is to remove the blade that caused it.

Sorry you are here.  It's an awful process, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm happier now than I ever was with my ex-wife.

notgreat wrote:

I'm in a similar boat - about a year in.  My wife has a woman she sees and has sex with frequently.  She will not admit she is gay.  She has no attraction to other men but she claims she is attracted to me and our marriage is the most important thing to her.  It's like being stuck in a corner.  Every time I get close to saying we need to separate (because that's what I want now - I have no appetite to try and work this out) she makes me feel guilty and i relent.

She's never going to admit she is gay - she has me where I am too scared to leave her so it's safer for her just to keep me around.

So why can't you get what you want?  There's no reason for you to continue in a marriage where your wife is sleeping with other people (it's irrelevant whether it's a woman or another guy) if "monogamy" was one of the bedrock principles upon which your marriage was built.  If she's making you feel guilty, that's manipulation.

PJ wrote:

Thanks everyone. I keep yo-yo-ing between a confident wish to leave and then being overcome with sadness and grief and wanting to stay. We've been talking about separating for months and then we firmly decide to do it and then we both snap back to the familiar routine. No idea how much more of this either of us can stand.

Get out.  It's not easy, and I had trouble making the big decision myself.  However, all-consuming swirl of emotions you are going through is not the stuff of a healthy marriage.

But let's get back to your original post.  You say you want to hear your wife admit that she's gay.  What behaviors have lead you to the conclusion that she's not straight or gay?  That list is probably more powerful than her saying "I'm gay".

Last edited by Blue Bear (September 13, 2023 2:48 pm)