OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Newbie - Lesbian in denial question

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 13, 2023 3:05 pm

PJ wrote:
Thanks everyone. I keep yo-yo-ing between a confident wish to leave and then being overcome with sadness and grief and wanting to stay. We've been talking about separating for months and then we firmly decide to do it and then we both snap back to the familiar routine. No idea how much more of this either of us can stand.

Having children means that the main care-giver of them should stay in the house and the other parent should find somewhere else to live.
Can you both amicably agree on a trial separation?

Elle

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 4:01 am

Blue Bear wrote:
PJ wrote:
Thanks everyone. I keep yo-yo-ing between a confident wish to leave and then being overcome with sadness and grief and wanting to stay. We've been talking about separating for months and then we firmly decide to do it and then we both snap back to the familiar routine. No idea how much more of this either of us can stand.
Get out. It's not easy, and I had trouble making the big decision myself. However, all-consuming swirl of emotions you are going through is not the stuff of a healthy marriage.

But let's get back to your original post. You say you want to hear your wife admit that she's gay. What behaviors have lead you to the conclusion that she's not straight or gay? That list is probably more powerful than her saying "I'm gay".

Yup. All that.

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 4:06 am

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
PJ wrote:
Thanks everyone. I keep yo-yo-ing between a confident wish to leave and then being overcome with sadness and grief and wanting to stay. We've been talking about separating for months and then we firmly decide to do it and then we both snap back to the familiar routine. No idea how much more of this either of us can stand.
Having children means that the main care-giver of them should stay in the house and the other parent should find somewhere else to live.
Can you both amicably agree on a trial separation?

Elle

Yes. We can do that.

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 4:14 am

notgreat wrote:
She has no attraction to other men but she claims she is attracted to me and our marriage is the most important thing to her. .
.

That makes perfect sense. It's the value to them of marriage as an institution that is the most important thing. They like being married. For my wife, I always got the idea that she just wanted the status of it.

In a way, I envy that your wife is having an affair. I wish mine would. But she's still denying to herself. (As far as I know!)

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 4:15 am

Rob wrote:
Welcome PJ,

I'm years out from a cheating gay wife. Yet she will never admit or say it to me. It's not something she want to give me the satisfaction of...it would be like admitting what she did was wrong.

I honestly feel many of them live so long gay in denial that it's like an ingrained way to live
...even after they are in a gay relationship they still won't admit they're gay. Whether it is arrogance or denial makes little difference to us...

I would pay attention to your wife's actions more than any words..

Yup.

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 4:28 am

Gloria wrote:
My ex boyfriend was gay. I confronted him two times and he denied it. I broke up with him and I am married now. I only wanted him to tell the truth. I understand how you feel.

Glad it worked out for you!

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 4:29 am

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Welcome PJ

This is a marathon, not a sprint. The journey a straightspouse takes doesn't depend on how accommodating, self-aware and genuine our lgbtq+ are....it depends on us learning to see ourselves as worthy of the truth but if the truth doesn't come that's something we have no control over.

There was a point in my journey where I switched from thinking I needed all the answers...to believing it was up to me to find my own

Elle

Very wise words.

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 4:39 am

lily wrote:
Hi PJ,

there's nothing weird or odd about wanting her to admit to being a lesbian. It seems to be an instinctive expectation - we want them to release us from the bond or make good on it and they just keep stringing us along.

Right. What's weird is that, rationally, I understand that the fact that I'm even here discussing this, and the fact of my feelings about the situation are reason enough *on their own merit* for ending the relationship. Rationally, I understand that marriages end for just this level of dissatisfaction and frustration. BUT. The continuing closeting makes it hard for me emotionally. I have been following the tips about distancing in the pinned posts, and that is helping.

**Posted by Shh0406** September 14, 2023 5:34 am

Why do u think she's a lesbian?

**Posted by PJ** September 14, 2023 5:55 am

Shh0406 wrote:
Why do u think she's a lesbian?

I started to respond to this, but feel like that the details are too intimate to go into here.