OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Husband on Hook Up Sites

**Posted by Butterfly49** June 19, 2023 6:43 am

I am looking for advise as feeling very lost. My husband is on hook up sites, his profile says he is bisexual. I found some messages between him and another man.

Do I assume he is meeting people and having sex? Do I confront him?

**Posted by Surviving** June 19, 2023 8:30 am

Hi. What a horrible experience for you. I remember that i felt nauseous and weakened by the discovery that something was deeply awry and that my husband was gay - no question.

In my experience, my husband was also on hook up sights (for kinky sex with other men) for which I found the credit card statement.

I'm not sure how long it took him from joining the site to actually meeting men. But from what evidence I had (too much and too horrifying to document here) he did meet up with these men and many others for sex - I didn't need to confront him. I knew by what I saw.

If I did conftont him, he would have just lied the whole thing away and accuse me of spying... Remember, these people have lied all their lives and will do anything to cover themselves.

My mistake was I did not document ... the evidence, which may or may not affect future divorce proceedings.

I hope this helps - at least, just knowing so many people on here are in similar situations.

**Posted by Butterfly49** June 19, 2023 8:57 am

I am confused as to whether he is gay or bisexual, but either way he is into men! I thought we were happily married and have an active sex life. I found text messages and pictures to another man trying to arrange a 'meet up'. Other pictures of my husband naked and they were not sent to me. I should probably compile more evidence before I confront him. Did you seperate/divorce from your husband? I am thinking a marriage can not survive this and I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I am wondering now has he been doing this since I met him!

**Posted by Surviving** June 19, 2023 9:15 am

Definitely stop the sex life if you haven't already, for your own safety and get tested for STDs.

Once I knew my husband was unfaithful with (many) men, I asked him to choose between putting the brakes on this (so we could map out next steps sanely) or moving out. He moved out.

Over time, (2 years) things are easier. I find I actually like myself. He still remains firmly in the closet to family, friends, which really locks me in his closet too.

Next step in my mind, is to tell those who deserve to know. But he is pathologically trapped within himself. This will be very difficult.

Believe it or not, though, we still get together for bbqs, family, birthdays, weddings ... part of his cloak of normalcy.

I see it as this: I married a hologram. He was never really him. Now in our sort-of friendship I have to decide if I like this person. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. But I now get the luxury of distancing myself from him whenever I want - somewhat liberating, but not as freeing as him being "out".

**Posted by Gloria** June 19, 2023 9:16 am

Buttlefly48, I am so sorry. I found out that my boyfriend was gay in June of 2020. It was a shock. He and I and one of our friends went to his vacation home. The AC was not working. The friend slept on the screened in porch. When I woke up, my boyfriend was in the bed with him on the porch. The friend was sound asleep and my boyfriend was on the other side of the bed awake. I also found condoms that we did not use. I confronted him 3 times but he would not admit it. I broke up with him. I wish you the best. I know how much you are hurting.

**Posted by Butterfly49** June 19, 2023 9:38 am

Gosh - I have no evidence he has had sex with men, but I presume so! I don't visit hook up sites or sex text other men and women. I feel totally used and like our marriage is/was just a cover. Has anyone stayed with their spouse in these situations? I have 2 kids to think about too.

**Posted by Abby** June 19, 2023 9:54 am

I suggest that you do not confront him until you know what cards you hold and have thought through how you want this to play out. Denial, promises of change, blame-shifting and anger expressed in the silent treatment or lashing out are all possibilities. It he may become physically violent, confrontation should not be attempted and safety planning needs to start.

See your doctor ASAP to get tested for all sexually transmitted conditions but also look at the family finances and consult an attorney to know your rights if you were to decide to divorce. Knowledge is power.

You don't for him to acknowledge his behavior or to admit to being "Bi" or "Gay". You know what you saw. What do YOU want going forward?

My mantra was "Whatever he is, he isn't for me."

**Posted by Surviving** June 19, 2023 9:55 am

Oh, I do feel for you. You have (young?) kids. You and they are the highest priority.

If you have suppprtive family with whom you feel happy to disclose your story, they will scaffold you at this time. They know you and your kids best.

Getting evidence is just how I confirmed my husband is gay. I wasn't clear-headed enough to immediately collect it for future use. I would say most people are not. We don't expect to find ourselves in these horrible circumstances, so we don't always look for/collect evidence.

Don't beat yourself up about things like evidence. Stay focused on you and your kids. Choose the next step, even if it's tiny, mindfully - hard to do when your world is blowing up.

I'm very sorry there are no words to make your grief disappear.

**Posted by Blue Bear** June 19, 2023 10:44 am

So here’s what you do know: (a) your husband isn’t straight, (b) your husband is seeking sex outside of marriage with men. Preserve your evidence of this because your husband will likely try to conceal or destroy it.

You have to ask yourself whether you are ok with a non-straight husband who’s not faithful to you. Those are facts that — no matter how much he protests, lies, gaslights, or blames you — are 100% true. How would you advise a friend in the same situation? How would you advise your kids if they were in the same situation? Is this acceptable to you?

Sorry you are here. Keep posting.

**Posted by Butterfly49** June 19, 2023 10:55 am

Thank you everyone for your advice and it helps me that other people understand - although I wish none of us are in these horrible situations.

My husband has worked hard to conceal things from me but it is catching up with him now. I imagine he has been doing it for years! He is the complete 'golden husband' - works hard, has a fabulous house (thanks to me and my money!), sports coach, all round good guy.

I feel very used and wonder did he ever love me at all, or am I just the facade. I come from an emotionally dysfuctional family so wondering now have I been totally stupid!!

To think he has been having sex and doing god knows what else with other men and then sleeping with me, I feel physically sick.