OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...

**Posted by SameDeepWaterAsPhil** April 25, 2023 6:31 pm

Hey, all:
Haven't posted in a while, but stuff has really changed & fast. My LW filed for divorce in late March & initially offered for me & our teen boys to stay in the home for the next year, rather than selling right away. That way there would be less upheaval for the kids, less stress on me, & time to prepare the house for sale. Then, last week, she declared that she didn't want to waste thousands of dollars on rent & wants to cohabitate for the next year till after our youngest graduates. Then we'd sell the house. I was floored by the proposal give her previous offer & my need to get away from her duplicity & secrecy regarding SSA over 3 decades together. We took a week to discuss it at length, & I outlined all the reasons why it wouldn't work, including my inability to heal with her present after she's divorced ME! But she completely steamrolled my objections & seemed insensible to my mental health needs after nearly 2 years of trying to save our marriage while she focused on herself. She seems to not be willing to take no for an answer.

My question is: am I wrong here? Is this something I should actually be considering despite my being cast aside & my religious objections to the life she plans to lead? I mean, I have no way to escape her in our house & what about the confusion of our kids? I just don't know what to do. Please offer your thoughts. Thank you all!

**Posted by lily** April 25, 2023 8:00 pm

My first thought is to talk to your lawyer.

In the land of divorce I think it is good to stay as amicable as possible while dealing with each other by written communication. It is already agreed she is moving out, isn't it?

Where I am you have to be living separately for a year to complete the divorce but you can complete the separation agreement straightaway and that is the hurdle that is facing you now. It's the hardest part.

I have a friend who told me that divorce court is full of fighting couples going broke and at the end of the day the judge is only going to award the same percentage split of what is left as he would have at the beginning. I would remind my ex of that every so often.

I conceded the house to my ex, and I was already living in the studio at the end of the garden - staying there, but for no more than six months, was part of our separation agreement.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 25, 2023 8:22 pm

Hey SDWaP yeah Lily's right...run it by your lawyer in the first instance.

But saying yes to her being in the house for another year seems fraught with potential difficulty. Plus if she agreed to you & the children staying in the house, then turned around to say "I want to save money by staying"...she could just as easily change her mind, again! at the drop of a hat. That would be unnecessary turmoil for your kids....in my opinion.

Are your children old enough for you to run it by them? To see how they would feel?

Elle

**Posted by Rob** April 28, 2023 6:43 am

I recall our home being so toxic we couldn't wait get away from each other... she was constantly screaming at me to leave as a solution to HER problem.

You did not create her housing problem no more than you made her gay. Run it by your lawyer. It will get expensive...but your goal is to get away from her. What part of the word divorced doesn't she understand. She uprooted the kids..she caused your this.

Run it by your lawyer for a solution that you want.

PS. Make sure your always home with friends and family visiting often as a demo of what she has to look forward to ..

**Posted by SameDeepWaterAsPhil** April 28, 2023 10:12 am

Thanks so much to everyone who's responded so far. I really appreciate the perspectives & the suggestions. I am definitely running it by my lawyer, & I'm inclined to hold my ground on the infeasibility of such an arrangement as my wife has proposed. I've also been advised by my pastor, who has walked through this entire mess with me since November, when she first told me she wanted to divorce. I guess it will be up to the attorneys about how to proceed, but I can't see any other route. She wants her new life, & I deserve one of my own as well. Thanks again!

**Posted by Blue Bear** April 28, 2023 12:47 pm

My advice is to get the hell out of a toxic roommate situation with your lawyer's guidance. You might also want to have a date within the next year, and your ex-wife will likely not take well to that (nor will your prospective date). Get the heck out of there so you can reclaim your mental headspace. As a fellow straight spouse advises: "The first and most necessary step of healing a wound is to remove the blade that caused it."

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** April 28, 2023 1:50 pm

Phil - way to go to hold on to what YOU need to heal! I choose to cohabitate with my GID Husband but on my terms. He also travels 60% of the year so I have good breaks lol. My scenario is very different as we have been living in separate spaces and it's the norm for my children to know Dad sleeps in a separate space (basement).

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 28, 2023 1:59 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
...... "The first and most necessary step of healing a wound is to remove the blade that caused it...."

... This belongs in the straightspouse toolbox...

Elle

**Posted by SameDeepWaterAsPhil** May 6, 2023 11:00 pm

Thanks once more for the advice & perspectives, all. I've held my ground, but her response was to chastise me for getting my own lawyer & complicating things, as well as to assert that she will not come out to our teens when we inform them of the divorce. I'll have to tell them, she said, because she won't. It's a bad situation, about to get worse. But, I guess we're selling the house, as she "doesn't want to live with me" now apparently. I guess I wasn't acquiescent enough. Her inability to own these decisions is remarkable.

Last edited by SameDeepWaterAsPhil (May 6, 2023 11:01 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 7, 2023 2:26 pm

SameDeepWaterAsPhil wrote:
......her response was to chastise me for getting my own lawyer & complicating things, as well as to assert that she will not come out to our teens when we inform them of the divorce. I'll have to tell them, she said, because she won't.

LOL....complicating things for her maybe!
.A. said he thought that he and I would have discussed the separation before I told our son & daughter, but that was because he would have preferred to be in control of the telling, the doing... I'm glad I didn't keep it to myself.

The telling of this to your children should be done by the parent who didn't change the dynamics of the family. You may get some hard questions but you'll answer them honestly right? Course you will

Elle