OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / It felt real, and it was?

**Posted by lily** November 20, 2022 1:52 pm

sorry Elle, no disrespect intended - I know we all have our own unique view on the world but there really is an unequivocal reality and it matters to me.

Last edited by lily (November 20, 2022 1:59 pm)

**Posted by SameDeepWaterAsPhil** November 22, 2022 1:08 am

I'm weighing in on this tonight because my LW of 25 years at long last told me she wants a divorce 5 hours ago. 30 years together, which she also just told me "was real." If real, they wouldn't think of doing such a thing to someone who deeply loves them. I've fought tooth & nail for my marriage & family, but she undermined every step we took. She knew what she wanted months & months ago, but continued to play me for a fool. I'm a believer, but how do I forgive this multi-tiered betrayal? Our children will be irrevocably damaged. The mindf$#&k, as some of you call it, will extend to our children, who have been raised BY BOTH OF US to believe acting on SSA is sinful. Now what? Oooops! Mama was wrong! It's ok if you're just being authentic, right? God loves you anyway, blatant rebellion or not! It's all good. That pesky "One-flesh-union thing" was just a joke. Vows don't matter, promises don't count, & God doesn't keep score. You be you.

All the love in the world DOES NOT MATTER if your spouse is an egotistical, self-justifying, deluded person, who believes the grass is greener on the other side.

IT. WAS. NEVER. REAL. It was a lie from the moment they said hello 30 years ago.

Last edited by SameDeepWaterAsPhil (November 22, 2022 1:10 am)

**Posted by Blackie563** November 22, 2022 8:14 am

SameDeepWaterAsPhil wrote:
All the love in the world DOES NOT MATTER if your spouse is an egotistical, self-justifying, deluded person, who believes the grass is greener on the other side.

I'm so sorry man. I can feel the pain as I read your words. 23 years for me. This line above hits it on the head. Nothing any of us can do if the partner is self centered and only concerned with themselves. I can only offer my empathy as I am going through similar. Take care of your self, happiness is always found within. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

**Posted by Mr_Stroodle** November 22, 2022 8:46 am

There’s nothing we can do even if our gay spouse is kind, loving, thoughtful, and trying to put the friendship you both have first either. At the end of the day, theyre gay, we arent who they need or want. That just fucking. sucks. ass.

**Posted by SameDeepWaterAsPhil** November 22, 2022 12:12 pm

Blackie & Mr. Stroodle:
Thank you both for the support, & I am likewise SO sorry for what you are going through. If only it was just a nightmare for us all, we'd wake up to find the person we love back as they once were (to us, anyway). Ruby slippers would come in handy right about now.

**Posted by Mr_Stroodle** November 22, 2022 2:16 pm

SameDeepWaterAsPhil wrote:
Blackie & Mr. Stroodle:
Thank you both for the support, & I am likewise SO sorry for what you are going through. If only it was just a nightmare for us all, we'd wake up to find the person we love back as they once were (to us, anyway). Ruby slippers would come in handy right about now.

I’ve been in that headspace. If only right? Those thoughts hurt the most, and I wasn’t able to get past them until I remembered that I had been unhappy in my marriage the entire time. We were always best friends! But the things that separate a best friend from a spouse are sexual and romantic attraction. Those areas we never clicked (wonder why). Whenever I slip back to that space, I have to remind myself that ahead I’ll have what I did without the feelings of rejection and sadness marring the relationship. I have to focus on the future because it is the only thing that we can theoretically change.

**Posted by lily** November 23, 2022 6:23 pm

SameDeepWaterAsPhil - I am jumping in where angels fear to tread but I think it might make it easier for you to come to terms with how you feel about what is happening in your life - you have two separate issues of betrayal of your trust.

One is your wife hiding that she is a lesbian.

Two is your church teaching that gay sex is sinful. It sounds like your church believes that the union of marriage should be able to transcend same sex attraction yet overwhelmingly that is not what people experience. Whether they get divorced or not, that's not the point, the point is the state of the marriage, the toxic emotional state that develops.

Your wife is betraying your trust - it so resonated with me when you said it was from the moment she said hello. But she is letting you off the hook romantically. And she is shedding some light on the ground under your children's feet - at least they know she is gay now. She is doing it for selfish reasons though. And there is the hell of divorce to follow. It's a horse pill - it takes a bit of bitterness to swallow.

I know you must be feeling unutterably destroyed and every reason is there for your feelings and so I just want to add reconstitution will happen. What do you get on the other side, when you are no longer one half of a couple - you get you back. It's something else. I remember thinking I just didn't want my life to have been all about him and so glad I acted on that thought.

wishing you all the best, Lily