Mr_Stroodle:

     I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are on your way to "radical acceptance."  You're starting to give up the idea you can "fix" things, to stop wondering whether the clock can be turned back, if there's something you can do to right the ship.  So many of us are the "fixers" in our relationships, or have personalities that see problems and want to tackle or resolve them, or we just don't want to see the lives we've built and the love we feel disappear through no action or fault of our own.  You have a lot of grief still to feel and to process, but you are, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, in a better place than when you were casting about for ways to "reignite the romantic attraction" you believed she once felt.  

     I heard the same line from my now-ex (of four years) when his revelation led me to question our entire past together.  "It was real," he said.  And, like you, that answer did not feel true. 

   What I decided was it was real in these ways:  the events happened; my actions and attitudes were genuine, and based on my reasonable expectation that what I was seeing was what was true.  He, however, was not genuine, or, at least, fully honest.  To learn that he had been questioning his sexuality/gender identity for years, including during that time, and experiencing those very real events in a way different from the way he represented his experience to me, means he wasn't genuine.  That's my half and half conclusion: I was real; he wasn't real. 

 They go forward so easily because they have spent their lives building inner walls and compartmentalizing.  They insist that "it was real" because otherwise they have to come to terms with what they concealed from us, and they don't wish to do this.  In fact, they feel as if they have had to do what they have done--hide and conceal and compartmentalize--because of others: family disapproval, cultural homophobia, etc etc.  They tend to see themselves as the victims, and their actions justified.  That we are hurt--that they hurt us--is to them not their doing, but "society's," because "society" made me do it (the "devil made me do it" by another name).

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 18, 2022 8:51 am)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

They tend to see themselves as the victims, and their actions justified.   

 Pay close attention to this line. In my experience this is 1 Billion % accurate. My soon to be ex has admitted to doing wrong, but still won't call it what it is/was, a series of lies. She hates it when I call her out on that, because she "hates" liars, so to her, there is no greater insult. Only it is not an insult if accurate and it is accurate. She lied to my face time and time again even after she told me she had feelings for a woman. 

More to your experience, I would not worry about being friends at this point. In my view (and what I am doing now) is communicating this is not a realistic expectation. I told her plainly, I am not ready to have you in my inner circle, I do not trust you and will not spend time on a friendship that has no trust. She keeps trying. She admitted that she loved everything about our relationship...and she is literally "chasing" a feeling. I truly hope she finds it, but I doubt it. Happiness comes from within. Remember that for yourself, Happiness comes from within. You will grief, feel every bit of the emotion, if you do not, it will take longer to get to the other side. 

I have started seeing other women. I dont bring them home. I communicate to them I am still getting through my 23 year relationship with my gaslighting ex and would understand if they did not want to engage. My ability to communicate my emotions only draws more in. So what I'm saying is, do you, focus on doing what makes you happy. Be honest, tell people where you are at. I've found wonderful female companionship throughout this process and its not all sexual. Everyone my age has baggage, so many understand. Go at your own pace. 

Peace be with you my friend, these are hard day. My heart hurts for you because I have (and still am) suffering the same. I did not know I could hurt like this. But it does get better, friend. 

It definitely was real... at the time. Because to say it wasn't is giving all your power to the woman who has made you think your  r'ship has been false.
And that's how you've got to see it... As not letting her change your past because even though she was hiding who she was you can't let her t take away the times you were happy... because that's who you were. Look back to happy memories and accept them but realize now you have to separate them from your pain now.
I love Mindfuck as a description. Because this whole thing totally fucked with our minds. As long as we don't wallow in it and let it drag us down. As long as we stop focusing on them and what they have done because we can never ever change it so leave it behind... Focus on you

Elle

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

It definitely was real... at the time. Because to say it wasn't is giving all your power to the woman who has made you think your r'ship has been false.
And that's how you've got to see it... As not letting her change your past because even though she was hiding who she was you can't let her t take away the times you were happy... because that's who you were. Look back to happy memories and accept them but realize now you have to separate them from your pain now.
I love Mindfuck as a description. Because this whole thing totally fucked with our minds. As long as we don't wallow in it and let it drag us down. As long as we stop focusing on them and what they have done because we can never ever change it so leave it behind... Focus on you

Elle

I really don't understand what you're getting at Elle.  It definitely wasn't real.  He was Never In Love with me.  Where in heck does saying that give him all my power?  It was a false relationship!  my sincerity, any good times I had don't change the falsity of it.  I need to be real with me.

And it wasn't 'the whole thing' that fucked with my head, it was him who did that.  I dunno, perhaps you feel like you need to take more responsibility for being in a MOM - is that how you feel?