I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

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Posted by Ellexoh_nz
September 21, 2022 11:04 pm
#21

lily wrote:

Elle, I have a suggestion to make.

Fight For Your Bed!!! ......

It's a two bedroom townhouse, and I'm not going to chuck my son out or suggest he move. I have thought of buying two singles because we've both become used to having our own bed/own room. However that sounds a bit to cosy and compliant. We are on the lookout for a 3 bedroom rental.
Fingers crossed we find one soon. I will get my own room back!

Thanks lily


 


KIA KAHA                       
 
Posted by Gloria
September 22, 2022 6:08 am
#22

Yes, fight for your bed and possibly your own bedroom

 
Posted by lily
September 22, 2022 9:30 am
#23

thanks oohc,

yes exactly that - he was happy for me to move out of the bedroom, it was ideal for him, my ex was passive aggressive too.  underhanded cruelty.  he played nasty little tricks on me and I never knew it because it just never occurred to me that he was doing things like moving my car keys or complaining to our friends that I didn't give him nice presents when it was the other way round.  I didn't know who I was married to at all, it was a devastating and horrible surprise that crept up on me.

 
Posted by Ellexoh_nz
September 22, 2022 2:43 pm
#24

MJM017 wrote:

It sounds like a gilded cage in a way.....

Hmm...that's one way of looking at it. But I can't let myself think of it as a cage. Gilded sure, but on my terms. It would be a cage if he was still pressuring me for intimacy, or denying me access to money. He's not stopping me from flying off, the door is open. It's me who keeps me here and if I called it a cage it would change the way I see myself. 

Hugs back at you

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 
Posted by OutofHisCloset
September 22, 2022 9:29 pm
#25

Begging your pardon, Ellexoh, it might not be a cage, but it's not on your terms.  If it were, you wouldn't have started this thread and been so upset by what you found in the back of the closet.  You are surely right, however, that you have made a choice, and he is "not stopping [you] from flying off."  

 
Posted by Ellexoh_nz
September 22, 2022 10:15 pm
#26

OutofHisCloset wrote:

....

 

 I started the thread to get my thoughts down and thought I was quite UN-upset finding the hidden bag, but of course I realise the words I type are open to interpretation.
Nobody can make me feel worse about the situation I'm in. Thanks for adding your comments
 


KIA KAHA                       
 
Posted by Blackie563
September 23, 2022 6:25 am
#27

Wishing you the best. My soon to be ex lives in the basement now and its a much better arrangement. I no longer think of any reconciliation and other than discussing things for our kids, I ignore her. Although we still work out of the same bank account, we have separated phones, credit cards etc. This is to prepare for the final separation. Will we continue to live in the same home after that? I do not know. What I do know is, forcing the divorce was the right decision, because now that I have the truth, I suffered (and will likely have ups and downs) but I am stronger now. My confidence is very high, now after 23 years, I realize I am desirable and had that affirmed by other women already....

Even if she realized all that she has done and apologized (will never happen, because she does not admit errors or accept responsibility for her actions and never has in 23 years), I dont think it would matter. I realize I settled for years. While still emotional, I am finding I don't really like her all that much as a person. She isn't mean or cruel, but she isnt and never has been a "nice person". Pardon the word, but she is kind of a "jerk" and always has been. I just put up with it because I told myself this is what I committed too and loving someone means all of them. I would have continued doing so, but she broke the bond, not me. 

She is finding that she probably isn't a lesbian, (likely bi-sexual) meaning, it was a choice like any other. She will live with what she has done to our kids and to me for the rest of her life. I will too, but I am on the path to healing. Havent looked this good in 20 years

 
Posted by Anon2222
September 23, 2022 7:19 am
#28

Blackie563 wrote:

While still emotional, I am finding I don't really like her all that much as a person. She isn't mean or cruel, but she isnt and never has been a "nice person". Pardon the word, but she is kind of a "jerk" and always has been.

Strange you say this....because I have come to the same conclusion. I built this picture of him and I read a lot into it, and made a lot of excuses for his behavior. In the last little while since this all happened....I have come to the realization that he is an incredibly selfish person. And, that yah, he is not a nice person. At all. 

There were hints of it early in the marriage that I just glossed over. But, I learned the hard way that he is all about himself and he will do whatever he wants and screw anyone and everything else.

I spent my entire marriage being nice enough for the both of us apparently. 
 

 
Posted by Victo
September 23, 2022 10:17 am
#29

Anon2222 wrote:

I spent my entire marriage being nice enough for the both of us apparently. 
 

Interesting.  I think I tried to be truthful and genuine for the both of us, and I think that got me into a lot of trouble.  🤦‍♂️

 
Posted by Blackie563
September 23, 2022 12:58 pm
#30

Anon2222 wrote:

There were hints of it early in the marriage that I just glossed over. But, I learned the hard way that he is all about himself and he will do whatever he wants and screw anyone and everything else.
 

 This has been one of the most profound discoveries I've made. I too, spent 23 years looking through rose colored glasses. She is incredibly selfish. Sure, she did things for me from time to time, and is a good mother, I wont take that from her. That said, she is and has always been about herself. Never admitting mistakes is selfish. Always blaming your errors on someone or something else is selfish. Withholding information in a safe and stable relationship is about you, not the relationship. Upon reflection, I always did the apologizing, the making up, the conversation starting, all of it.....she is so inept at relationships, I'll ask her about her day and she will tell me. In the past, I would just tell her about mine. Now she just looks at me and says "are you going to tell me about your day". I say every time, "you didnt ask". SHE NEVER FREAKING ASKED! 

You are not alone. For us, we saw past the flaws because we chose the hard work of loving the person, scars and all. They did not and could not return us even half that curtesy. Real shame 

Last edited by Blackie563 (September 23, 2022 12:59 pm)

 


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